Saturday, August 09, 2014

A cry

You gave me strong but always after pain
You taught me to fight but mostly in vain.
I am alife,
Yes , My heart is beating
but my breath is stand still.

I lost the words to write about my story,  to write about the lilly of my desert,  to write about the beauty of my parents eyes and the warmth that their sounds gived to my heart. 
I lost the words to write about the pain of my country .
And how scared I was within it and how lost I am without.
I really can't express my feeling now but something inside me died with days and as I guess nothing could ever give me more hurt and pain than I already have.

#in a matter of days, I turned from an iraqi pharmacist from hight social class in Mosul to a refugee pregnant woman with no job,  no home adress and only 2000$
# a person who are counting the days to have a call from the IOM to get an appointment for interview which simply may take a year or so till the IOM will decide whether I deserve to have a station in UN to start my life over again or not.   That's include to study and certify my pharmacy degree over again !
# I am abviously have a chronic depression eposide and have no close person to talk to since all persons I know are already living their own tragedy.
# I lost my uncle in the middle of this.
# I lost *well all of us lost*  the best historical and islamic mosque in Mosul due to ISIS attack. 
I didn't only leave mosul,  Mosul left me back,  old memories,  places and friends all left me.  I am alone all alone.

And have nothing can do,  all I am doing is crying !!

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

A letter to my mam

Tired I am tonight,  mam.
Holding inside me a pain of whole town.
Living a story that schehrizade didn't tell in thousand night and one night.

The face I see in the mirror is older tens of years from mine.
In my eyes I see no hope,  no light,  no sunshine.

Even my heartbeat seems to annoy me.
I don't know me mam!
My thoughts are crisd cross,
My plans are no plans. 
The minutes are passing as weeks.
Even the seconds don't pass, mam!
I was lost in iraq ! So I flee out. 
Now I am lost in Jordan ,mam! 

And if you want to hear a joke.  I just knew that I am expecting a baby. . so I am going to be a mother,  mam!

Friday, June 20, 2014

لن ابيع العمر

Like a blind, i am walking in a road with no ends, no directions, and no stop stations.
 I am writing with tears falling down like winter's rain. I am crying and yes I am wailing at my Mosul, my mother town funeral.
Mosul fall down in the hand of ISIS 11 days ago. I left Mosul to the north of Iraq " Kurdistan". yes, I have a heart that I must save but I left my Soule and prayers at home.   Moslawi peoples are passing through the most difficult times they have ever lived. essential life utilities are almost absent. The danger are surrounded us in every directions and everywhere even our houses. 
Since war took place in 2003 Iraqi's people didn't live any mean of peace, we continued laughing at ourselves that a better tomorrow will come, and that things will never stayed the way it is.
after 11 years, we woke up at the sound of plash of our died minds in the bottom of blood sea.
Our government and members of parliament were busy in stolling Iraqis' people money; Busy in telling their lies and fighting each other. and loving each other's power !  
  Our the country is at emergency;
parliament simply leave the country and ask America for a help ! soldiers leave the war yard and ask the citizens for help !  is this a joke ? a play? a story they tell us before we go to sleep.
I will not go to sleep, and If I will do so I'll better never wake up!
 For all those who keep telling me " you are strong" :
No friends, I am weak.
For my sister who keeps telling me " this too shall pass"
 This time, it will not pass  .
 This time I am quit, I have my enough. This time the dead is so close,  and for those who choose to live;  they have to leave. 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I am back :)

Why isnt everybody living the life of their dreams?

after 9 years of blogging, i am now abig big girl, i get married and i have a job in one of the most awful places" hospital" where i play the role of pharmacist and spend the time with sick iraqies, what a bless!
No,'s not that bad. I take used to the smell of pain and the dull sick faces and the sound of crying that fill the hospital with mess.
I take used, that i am no more the iraqigirl hadia...i am the iraqiwoman hadia, i am a housekeeper and a wife!

I am a married woman!
And when a girl get marrie in our sosciety everything is gona change,
her house,
Her family,

Her dreams,
Her thoughts,
Her friends,
Her duties and her responsabilities.
Her personality,
Her hoppies,

Everything even herself!

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, October 19, 2012

Sunday, December 04, 2011

This website was never mere a blog to me !

May I say that I miss blogging, I miss being Hadia behind the keyboard, writing on her ideas, fears and thoughts... I miss having the courage to admit my poorness ! and having the faith that I can solve it all .

This life steal years from us, I grow up so fast and yes it seems that my adult's problems and stress are bigger * I confess dear childhood*.
Recently, I feel that maybe what I see is not what is going on, Everything seems fake and everyone look different.The college look different, My friends look different, I look different myself " I loose 2 kilos :) "
NO,SERIOUSLY: our yard battle "our life" seems different !

previously in my posts history I wrote a phrase that was written in the cover of my book
" I feel that I have been sleeping all my life and I have woken up and opened my eyes to the words. A beautiful world but impossible to live in "
These are the words of fifteen years old Hadiya

But the words of twenty two years old Hadiya :
" I feel that I have been dupe in my life, and I have woken up and opened my eyes to see the truth and my mind choose to close and will still choose to close as much as this worlds is not a the beautiful world and as much as I want to make it possible to be lived in !"

I need a whole new blog site to write all what I am feeling and living through.
I don't know, but I feel that this life is giving me lessons lately, too much home works and hard exams I may not be able to pass !

I also don't know why I am not able to speak clearly, and why I hide the story beyond this phrases and why knowing that my fiance or someone I know may read this words make me unable to write!

Frankly speaking,I loose my writing habit after my engagement. Obviously this prince stole more that my heart !!! :) BUT,May I ask : why he is not writing?

I miss writing, I miss it soooo much, but I miss my fiance too :(
why I change the subject ? I always change the subject, I can't focus! more than ten ideas visit my head every minute *And you still ask why I have a traffic jam ??

right now I feel that:
I need to write!
I shall and I must and I will probably well ... this website was never mere a blog to me !