turn back to basic

Hello all,

I really feel sorry that I didn't write from along long time, well, the first reason was I was taking my mid year exams and now I finished them. So I am in the holiday now, two weeks of holiday.

In this year the last year of secondary school we are taking 8 basic courses and we can divided them into :
Physics, chemist, biology, mathematics, Islamic, Arabic, English, French.

well, In this year our marks during the year are not important and they don't play part in the college we have to go. For now, I just need to have more than 50% in all the exams and then I will take the exams that are the most important exams in my life and in this exams my grade will decided whither I have to go to pharmacy or engineering or any other college.

I will take that exams in June and till that time the only thing I can do for me is to study and the only thing you can do for me is to pray.

my father now is in Syria, my uncle need to make an operation in hurry time after he had a heart attack.
he did the operation before three days and now he is fine thanks God. We are expect my father to come today.

the last few weeks was hard for me. But it was harder for some people who are close to me. such as My friend who moved to Syria with her parents and leave Iraq to move after that to Canada. Before a couple of weeks I heard that her father died in Syria. that was horrible. I didn't stop thinking of her. I was so worried for her and feel so sorry. I called her and her voice was horrible. So please join my prayer for her.

The other horrible news I heard was that my friend's niece who is few months younger than Aya died when she was a sleep without any reason, she wasn't sick or something.
That news make me crazy and seeing my friend make me feel horrible. whenever she talked to me I began to cry and she began to cry. I don't know what to say to her. I know how much she loved her niece and how much it's hard to her to lose her. she said some words that make me shiver. she said that when she remembers her niece she feel like if there is someone taking her heart away and then turning it to it's place. you know that was exactly what I feel when I think of Baghdad and remember how much beautiful it was and how much we were happy in Saddam's time.
If losing a niece hurt her as much as losing a country then we have to do something for this girl. because I know what happened to her is bigger than she could bear. bigger than her to believe.

قل لمن لست أسمي.............بابي انتِ وأُمي

بأبي انتِ لقد أُحبُ .........بحتُ من أكبر همي

ولقد قلتُ لاهلي ...........أذا اذاب الحبُ لحمي

وأرادوا لي طبيباً ...........فاكتفوا مني بعلمي

من يكُ يجهلُ ما ألقى......... فأن الحب سقمي

أن روحي لدى بغداد .......وفي الكوفة جسمي

لابي العتاهيه

The end of the end

Am I here like someone special..........?
or I am special because I am here......?

because from now and forever
I want nothing but only but to be here

I want to be that someone who was born here..raised here, and more over dies here

Am I here living in Iraq or I am just imagining myself there?

I have mouth, eyes, and moreover I have ears
I can hear their whispers...I can see the results of their crimes fill the streets with fear.

the eyes filled with tears..the hearts filled with fear...the mouths filled with words I wonder if you will hear

hear their words..their stories...hear their tales of this year.
I wonder if you will hear. I wonder, will you burst into tears,I wonder if you will really dare to hear?


Many things happened that deserve to write about.
But Many hours passed I thought that I could not write in this blog anymore. I can't say Happy Eid for all, I can't say happy christmas and happy new year.
Because I feel that I am writing only a words that can't do anything for the people who read it.

My words didn't left steps in your hearts and it will never do. because my words is mine. it only mean to me because it's come from the deepest point from my heart.

You know what?
I think I was wrong.. ... My opinions changed from the first year I wrote in this blog. I thought in that time that everything is going to be good and acceptable for all of us but I was wrong my friend, I was so wrong. I was wrong when I said that Saddam don't mean to me anything. I was wrong when I said that I think he is a bad guy ( he might be, but he might be not).

Now I feel guilty because now I believe that he is a MAN ( a brave man) if you just saw the video that someone took in his execution, you will see no fear from death. You will see a look in his face, a look of someone who is ready to challenge, who believe that he was right . Who believed he was doing the right thing after all.
He was smiling . I don't think that I will smile if I was in his shoes.
I will probably burst into tears and say Mameeee :(

Anyway, from now, I won't say anything bad about Saddam because I don't know whether he was right or wrong . But I know that the people who came after Saddam is Evil and worse than devil and Saddam was better than them......

And I have to say something, What were they thinking when they executed Saddam in the first day of Eid ? Eid is our chance to be happy, to gather with our family and try to forget everything bad. And they turned our happy feeling to sadness. This is the most stupid thing they have ever had, did this people lost their mind? I am sure of that . That was a huge Mistake ( a very huge mistake).

Thank you all for reading... And happy new year

your lost friend HNK

from where Iraq was there

Un normal

Time....It's only time that is moving forward, it's the only thing that is making it's Job. It's the only thing that we both share. We both live in the same time.

I... I am still taking more steps searching for unknown. and hopping that I will find it. But the problem is,will I know that this is the thing that I was looking for.

well, I don't know from where to start, In fact I don't want to start talking about what happened. Because the things that's happened is big. it's too bigger than me to talk about.... It's bigger than you to understand... It's bigger than we can all imagine.

I am with no power starting my day as usual, Waking up early to study and then taking my breakfast.... Till now it's look like I have a normal life.
But hey... Did you forget that you are reading Hnk's blog ( Iraqi girl blog)?

Here and in this blog nothing is normal. Here people are wearing a thick clothes under thick clothes till they become like a ball. Here people are drinking a dirty water,and take a bath once every week because the water is somehow closer to black colour than white. and if you are going to take a bath, you might possibly became dirty more than you are already.

let's go back to my UN normal life. One day not far along, but about week ago:
I was taking my breakfast, I finished it. I wore my clothes and my shoes and took a look throw the Windows to see if the car that carried me to school is waiting for me.... Yes, yes there was a car, No not a car but an American Tank. The road was closed and everything was calm. Anyway, after a while everybody was a weak even my grandmother and they were taking there breakfast and I was walking between them worry about my exam that I have that day. I sat on the chair and after that I don't know exactly what happened but there was an explosion took part near from us. The type of explosion that YOU will always remember.
Pieces of windows fall on the floor, on the table and join us our breakfast. I don't remember what happened because it's look like it's take only a minute and we all ran out the room and stole looks to the room where we were sitting.
it was a big explosion. and plenty of our windows have broken but we are Lucky that our head are not. :)
I didn't took a pictures that moment because I didn't remember to do that. But I took some picture after I came back from school, and afte my mother clean up everything but this room that I took it a pictures.

I really have to go now..
bye

GOOD BYE

HI all,
With tears and emotions we have to say Good bye for the people we love,even we don't want to leave each others...We have to say good bye... Good bye with no reply but only good bye.

GOOD BYE TO YOU MY BEST FRIEND
"H", My christian friend and one of my best friends..
I don't know what to say except I think I was lucky to have such a beautiful friend like you...I truly love you from the deep of my heart and I didn't know that I loved you that much.I thought that my friend are the same, And I didn't think that I love one from them more than the other.
But Today I found out that I was wrong. "H" was special. I can't remember that she hurt me someday or said something bother me. She was quite and silent.

to better or worse this life will lead us I don't know, But I swear by the name of God I will never forget you my sister...

It's the life who judged to us to suffer and separated. Who was thinking that you will leave.. Leave me , leave Iraq and leave your past life and everything.


I don't know what to say. but I know that today I see my friend for the last time and only God know if I will see her another time or not. She and her family are leaving to Syria for the moment and then they are going to move to Canada. They received a threat and they have to leave Iraq. I know it's better for them to leave but ..... It's my friend.

Today we have a party in the garden of the school and it was full of tears. We ( me and my friend) were waiting "H" to come and when she showed up we ALL burst into tears. with nothing but tears and hugs we said hi and said bye to her. She gave each one from us ( her friend) one of her toys and it was nice from her to gave us something from her personal stuff, I am sure that I will always remember that this toy belong to her. As my teacher said, our country lose "H"... I hope it was that simple since we all began to lose, lose everything even our country.
All the people are leaving Iraq, My uncle and my aunts leave to Dubai.
My other aunt move from Baghdad to Mosul and by the end of this year I think we will have my grandparents in our house, Do you know I didn't see my grand parents for more than a year.

I don't know what to say except I think we are hardly live here and we are hardly keep going in this life, I wish some times that my eyes are a digital camera so you can see what I see, or that you have a magic ball that help you to see me and see everything around me, maybe that time you can feel my pain.....


I hope I can write a new post soon.
I have a bad temper all the days that I can't write so forgive me...

منَ العودة ألى الاعودة

مُنذُ اليوم سأُُعلِنُ بدءَ حَملَتي في قيادةِ نفسي نحو الهاوية.

لأَََنََني ومُنذُ اليوم لا اَشعُر أِلا بكوني اتلاشى واضمحل من وجودي في هذا الكون. أشعرُ وكأنَ اِخضرار الشَجَر بدءَ بالخفوتْ و اِيراق الورد بدءَ بالتراجع.

كلا, فليس من المعقول اَن يكونَ الشتاءُ هو السبب.

فنحن لسنا من نُعلِنُ سُباتنا في فصلِ الشتاء لأننا بني البشر ولأننا سبَقَ وانْ اَعلَنا سُباتنا في جميع الفصول وعلى طول السنة. ولأننا ومنذ يومَ ولادتنا قالوا لنا أننا لَسنَا سوى بَشر واََننا لا نقدُر على ما لا يقدُرُعليه جنسُ البشر.

لم نعلم ابداً أننا قادةُ انُفُُِسنا ولم نَتَعلَم كيفَ نقودُ أنفُسِنا نتيجةًً لذلك. وحينما واجهنا حقيقةََ أننا صُناع وأننا قواد أعلَنا بِدءَ حَملَتنا في قيادَةِ أنفُُسِنا ولكن مهلاً يا صديقي فأين مَقودي؟ فأنا لم اعلم بعدُ من أنا؟ ومن أكون؟ وماذا أريد؟ هل سأقودُ نفسي نحو المجهول؟ أم أن طريقي ضائعٌ بين هذهِ السطور؟

ذاتي!! لم تَعُد ذاتي هي نفسَها التي ألِفتُها حين بدأتُ خَطوَتي وأشبَعتُ شهوتي للوصول الى المزهريةِ سائرا على قدمي من دون يدً تُسنِدُني أو ذراعٍ تحمُلُني... لم تَعُد ذاتِي هي نَفسَها التي أعتادت على أن تعُيدَ النظرَ الى كيفيةَِ حل مسالةٍ حتى تفهمَ خُطواتِ حلِها دون اللجوء الى شرح تلك المسألة من لُدن مدرسَةٍ او من لدنِ كتاب لأنها أعتادت أن تشُق طريقها باصعبِ الطرق وانفَعِ الطرُق وأقَها حضوراً في ساحتِنا الخضراء.

وتحتَ وطأةِ هذا الصراع.تنازَلَت عن حقوقِها وألتزمتِ حركة السكون فأستقالت. لأنها خافت من مسكنها الذي أصبحَ فجأةً ميداناً رَحِبأً يَسمَع رأيَ هذا وذاك ويسمعُ كلامَ هذا وهذ.لأنها فجأةً أصبحت لا تعلَمُ من هي لأانها تغيرتْ لأنها أصبحت من أرادوها أن تكون. أصبحت ذاتاً ضعيفةً و ذاتاً مغايرة و فوق كُلِ هذا ذاتاً نقيضة. ولأن لِكُلِ تجرُبَةٍ بُرهان فها أنا اليوم أقولُ لكُم أننا وأن كُنا من البشر ولكننا صُناع. لسنا صًُناع الثقة, لسنا صُناع الامل ولكننا صُناعُ الالم

.نعم قد أعلَنت أستقالتَها وأعلَنَت أنها لن تكون بَعد اليومِ هي نفسَها ولم تعودَ الى حُجرتِها الفارغة المظلمة التي أتعبتها المحاولة في صُنعِ قالبٍ تَضعُ فيهِ نفسَها.وقفت اليوم أمام المرحلةِ التي كانت بأنتظارها مُنذُ أن بدأتِ الكلام ومُنذُ أن أمتلكَتْ قُُدرةََ التَفكير وصياغةِ الجُمَل وتركيب الحُروف ووضعِ النقاط ِ . وقفتْ أمامَ المنعطف حيث هناكَ أشارةً تَدُلها على ما ستأؤولُ أليهِ حالُها في السنواتِ المقبلة لأنها وبِكُلِ بساطه لم يَعُد يَهُمُها أن تجِدَ ضالتَها وأن تُحددَ هويَتَها لأنَ من صَنَعوها خيلوا لها أخيلة ووضعوا لها أحلاماً في أواني فارغة ولم يفهموا أو يتفهموا افكارها وهكذا ضاعَتْ وأعلَنت أستقالتَها.

فوداعا ايتها الذات الهائِمه فلم اكن اعلم انك حالمه.....ولم اكن اعلم ابدا انَكِ انتِ مَن أنا وانني أِن وافقت كلامَهُم المَبني على أُُسُسٍ هائِمَة أَصبَحتِ انتِ ذاتَكِ هائِمة

Home, School and between...

salam alykum,I have no excuse for not writing but I was really busy and I didn't have time to write.Since the school started, I passed 5 hours every day on studying and I hardly found time to have a chat with my family. Well, when I come back from school I open my mouth and don't close it, I mean I talk so much but I don't listen. After coming back from school And talk about what's going on with me, I usually go to my bed and I only need to put my head on my Pillow and fall asleep. and after having a nap for more than an hour, I wake up and study for 2 hours and another 3 or 4 hours after the break fast. The only space time I have through the day is when I watch TV and when I read a few paper from Harry Porter's story before go to sleep. Well, The school this year is not like every year. They said we will go to the college next year!!Me In collage = NO WAYI entered the primary school yesterday and they want to put me in a college!. well, I was so surprise this year when I knew that 2 girls from my class get married and another 2 girls get engage. And here I have to stop and shout: hey, Am I the only one who still have a pink room with bears on her bed and Barby toys in her drawer? In fact I didn't play Barby from ages but if you want the truth I lost the key which open this drawer :) And I am not sure if I find it I won't play in them :) I am not a little girl anymore, I am not a women but I am betweenToday, I have a good time with Aya who is now speaking and controlling us. We spent 15 minutes today: me,Najma and my mam siting in circle with Aya and just did what she asked us to do. she will sleep in our house today, Her Mam called us and ask us not to bring Aya back because there was a shooting and as she describe it "A Small battle " near from her house. Her house in really near from ours but I don't know why we didn't hear anything. Anyway, a minutes later my cosine called and said there is a small battle near from their house and ask us if there is any near from us ?And we were really living in peace till we found ourselves out of the siting room with the light turned off and Aya shouting " It's danger, Grandpa come inside it's danger" So we moved to another room and turned on the TV And played with Aya who began to cry after she heard her mother's voice on the phone :(When Aya born I thought that I will finally find someone to order him(her) and told him(her) what to do and what not to do. But I was wrong. Aya shouted at me twice today and said " Stop bothering us" The only thing I was doing is talking, is that a crime??? It's not fair, I am older than her and I am her aunt and I raised her and change her paper and the only thing I have is " Stop talking, you er bothering us" . The only times I have control in Aya are: when I go up stair for studying and she follows me , and when she want my shoes to build a building * strange girl, ha??* and when she want a candy.But what can I do, I love this little girl more than anything in this life. And I really forget that I have a nephew who is now 6 months old. I don't know why I always forget him but :maybe because he is a boy and Aya is a girl, And the girls usually nicer and cuter than boysor maybe because Aya is the first baby called me "aunt hnk"or maybe because he is still young.. But I really love him and enjoy my time with him.I want to hug him tightly just to see him like a mouse between my arms, He is really cuty boy.
Uhh,I'll try to write a new post next week Inshalah
H.N.K

Ramadan kareem

Alsalam alykum,
Ramadan kareem and Inshalah seam makbool.
First of all, I turned back to my school and began the fight with studying. well, I am scared from this year. I have to get hight marks to enter the suitable college for me. I need to do more efforts and more study and that is ***.
well, This picture shows our breakfast in the first day of ramadan.
I love Ramadan, I think the best days I lived are the days I lived in Ramadan. especially before the war. Ramadan was un believable for me. Ramadan made me feel happy more than anything I don't know why and I can't understand why.
when I don't eat anything for 14 hours I have to feel hungry and ungry too. But when I feel hungry,I smile and feel really happy.
Ramadan gave us joy certinly.
Anyway, I have to go now... see ya
H.N.K

New day has come

Salaam all,
There is no argument that I had fun in Syria and this journey helped me really to re-draw a smile in my face,But it also make me feel that the 17 years I lived all go in vain.
honestly, When I raech syria's area I told Najma " It's OK, It's only seventeen years!"
Yes, we can say this: it's only seventeen years. But hey!! it's take all my life :(
there were so many questions dancing and moving in circle and making a noisy in my mind.
what I was doing in this 17 years ? yeah yeaee, how could I forget this, I was studying history which I realised that it contains so many lies and Little truths. well, I don't say I didn't do anything but the things I did are not helpful.
Anyway, I woke up from my last life and maybe I am going to somewhere.
So, I came from Syria carrying hopes and dreams of futures.
but When we became finally in home. There was a car preparing itself to suicide and it did exploded near from our house. we didn't lose any of our Windows but some neighbors did.
well, After another bombs car and after the daily Small explosion and bullets, I still carrying some hopes that I will find the hope someday.
Another day started when I heard that one of our relatives had been killed so I triedto forget this as usual and I think I succeed in this because I didn't talk about that since the son rays falls. I really had a very bad nightmare last few days but today I didn't see anything when I was asleep. Nothing is better than nightmare certainly.
There is a hot news, Our telephone repaired this morning. It was not working since the nine of January ( so long) I even forget how to use the telephone :) but after while I called my grandma and when she answered me I changed my tone voice automatically to a child voice. I hardly prevent my tears. I really really missed my grandparent and I can't wait to see them again.

My school will start tomorrow and here we go to our last year in the high school.
collage, I can't wait to see you...
keep in touch
H.N.K

Syria pictures

What's up?

I have been disconnected with my blog last few weeks because I was in Syria..After my father finally knew that there is no hope of living a normal life,and having a fuel from the fuel station,he gave us his ordertravilling to Syria.
Althought I visited Syria once before but I was to eager and excited to go out from Iraq. well, I think if they took me to the desert I would be happy to be far from the boombs and bullets. Anyway,our trip was so hard and exhausted. we need about 14 hours to reach Aleppo. We spent 4 hours in the Immigration and passaport center. As you can see in the picture, there are hundereds of people waiting to hear their name and get their passaport and turn back to their cars to continue their trip.we reach Aleppo at about 11 o'clock in the night and it was the fisrt time I see the night since I was in Syria last year. Do you know why I love Syria??
I love Syria because I can see the night, I can see the black sky which BTW I didn't like it before.
I love Syria because in Syria you can see many people walking in the street with no fears and guess What?? They are smiling too.I love Syria Because in Syria the policemen are not show their arms and if they show them,they put them down.
I love Syria because in Syria the people know what freedom mean.
I love Syria because in Syria there are green trees and happy children and moreover a real life.
I love Syria because in Syria there are a simple family,live a simple life far from violents.
I said all what I want to say, I am not sure that I am happy to return back to my home. The only things I missed when I was in Syria are my sister and her children and our bathroom :)
Hey: I went to Syria for ten days, and at that time the governement rememberd and for the first time that there are some students worked so hard and studied in the dark and did their best not to forget that they are human being at last and that human being have to improve theirselves and their skills. They rememberd the students who sat all nights under the light of candels feeling so cold and can't focus while the shooting tookplace in their neighborhood.They finally rememberd the students who went to their school hardly and left their mothers in the house worried about them and pray that they will come back home safe. Hey!they rememberd the people who will build the future and yes these people are the babies that the governement were soppose to built their life now!!Is this a coincidence or what??These babies grow up and these babies learn to write and learn how to speak English. These babies become teenagers. These teenagers having a website in the internet now and they are writing about the governement biggest work.Can you share my happiness and sat up and clap your hands.Now if you happy and you know it please join me and clapp your hand..Although I missed this because I was in Syria but I am happy that the governement remember me.
Thank you all for listingPC: I mad an interview and you can read it in: http://www.agrnews.org/?section=archives&cat_id=38&article_id=1043&rowx=0

Just talking

Hello every body,
I was too busy last few days as usual. This time I was busy with our visitors.
My aunt came from Baghdad and she is staying at our house with her daughter. My aunt is usually playing on the computer so I couldn't find timeto sit on the computer myself and write a new post.
Note: I didn't joke or made a mistake when I said that my aunt is usually playing on the computer, Because she is playing all the time.
Anyway, I was playing before a few minutes too, but I was playing with Aya and we were building. we will be a good engineers. Don't you think?




before two days there was a curfew for two days. The situation was somehow calm near from our house but there was a few boomcars in Mosul. we were stuck at our house, we couldn't go anywhere but we walk to my sister's house and brought her and her children to our house.
The street was empty, everything looks freez .

before few days me and my mother help each others and cook this kind of food wich is a local food in Iraq. we call it " Kuba" . It's so hard to cook it. Each piece must be in the same size of the others and this is the hardest thing.

Anyway, I have to go now

seeya

When the victims are your ........

When the victim is your uncle:
They built our future..
They gave us life..........
our hopes died when they died....
They are the victims of this war..

Before a couple of days, I was sitting with my family watching TV. At about 11:30, I went to bed. And noticed that I have UN read message in my mobile phone. It was from my friend Maas. I thought it was a normal message; it might be a joke or something like that. I read the message and it said: my family is in a horrible state, my uncle was killed this morning when he was in his way home from the mosque (in Baghdad). The feeling I felt that moment I can't describe, I rush down stare and told my parents and then I went to my bedroom and cry for a long times. I feel very sorry for Maas, she was too busy this month, she went to Baghdad and do an extra examination.

When the victim is your family:
The danger surrounding us all the time but this time was not the same.
hearing a sound of bomb is something we use to, so we don't disturb ourselves and stop doing whatever we are just because a sound of bomb. This time and after a while my father's phone rang. My uncle was on the phone and he told my father that two mortars fell on the roof of his house. He was sleeping on his bed when the explosion took place, at that time a little peaces of the roof fell on his bed and on the floor. His wife said that she didn't aware that the mortar fell on their own house at that moment. She went to the room where she found my uncle sitting on his bed and holding few peaces of stone.

And when the victim is your family:
A new day has come when a bombing car exploded in front of my relatives' house. All the windows and all the doors broken. The explosion was too close from their house and it was too big. Three of my relatives injured and moved to the hospital. They are ok now. But many people lost their life because of that bombing car.

At the beginning of the war, when we heared an explosion, we hold the phone and called all the family and make sure that they are all fine. But now and because the explosion don't stop all the day, we stop calling each others. But when the explosion hurt someone from the family, in this the victims.

When the victim is you:
Our souls live in our hearts..
Our hearts are inside our bodies..
Our bodies living in our homes....
Our homes are our country.........
Our country had been destroyed..
we are the victims of this war...........

I consider all the people living in Iraq victims. And I am a victim because I am living in Iraq. I am a victim because no day passes without hurting me in someway or another. I am a victim because every day makes me weaker. I am a victim because I will be the victim sooner or later.
The people who killed and died, they left Iraq and their suffering.
But we! We are still suffering and we are waiting our turn to die and left Iraq.

When the victim is your niece:
Iraqi children are the victims of the war. Aya is a victim of the war. What will you call a baby of one and a half year's old living under this state??
Could you find a baby at that age know what is generator mean? When the electricity turn off, she began to cry and shouted for generator (generator please turn on... generator please turn on) isn't she a real victim of this war???

No wonder that one of her first words was (the weather is hot).

How funnyis for me to see her suffering. When the electricity turned off and the generator turned off. Aya stand in front of the fan and said the weather is hot, doing all the expression on her face to express her needs. Her needs was not eassy to get but so easy to lose.


Note:this post was written before a week.

Fighting to keep alive

I know it have been so long since I wrote my last post, I know you were worried about me, and I also know that you are sorry about what is going on in Iraq.I know all that just because I heard it over and over again till I wear your shoes and forgot that I am the one who is living this life, till I felt that I am sorry for me, my poor wounded soul.
I wish the reason of not writing a new post that I was busy with my lessons, or I was busy with Aya and Ayman. But it's not. Right now I concider myself half human.
All days are the same, it just like the other days.. repeating itself, Woke up early, took my breakfast and study and study and study till my course's time came,after that I'll go to have it and then get back and study AGAIN.
the Same program is running in my life and I accept it if that doesn't mean the killing, bombing and stealing will go on too.
I spent a very bad and hard days since I wrote my last post.The situations is deteriorating rapidly, I don't know from where I should start, many things happened I can't number them. but here are some examples:

My dad went to his work with my sister, Aya was with them in the car, and my dad was driving when they heard the sound of few bullets towards the soldiers' tank.
the tanks was infront of my father's car in the other direction of the road. My father's car was not the only car there. Anyway after the shooting stop. The soldiers got crazy as they always did. They ordered the people who sit inside the cars to get out and put their hand on their head as the soldiers' order. The soldiers throw out everything from my father's pocket. My father asked the soldiers to send Aya and her mother to the car because it was too hot. They didn't even try to listen to him,they shouted loudly and didn't accept to hear a word. In the moment the Iraqi police told my sister that she can go to the car and she have to keep the doors open.
My sister sat on the car with my little niece Aya who was shouting for getting my father back, crying probobly because she was thirsty. My sister fear to move her hand and open her bag and get the water from it, you don't guess the soldiers reaction about that. She stayed in her place thinking of my father, what is he thinking on that moment, what is he feeling, is he thirsty, she was worried about his state because my father had a hard attack and it's not good for normal people to be in that situation so what about a 60-year-old man. She was cursing them silently. What a humiliation to a respectful man .
The situation continued for an hour and a half but for some people like my sister it seems like a year. When he returned back to the home, Dad said nothing at all, my sister said "you didn't know what happened to us today!" my father said "nothing". She told the story and my father didn't comment, trying not to make us worried, picking the glass and drinking the water as he always do.
It just needs a strong man like my father to forget it, I am not a man and I am not strong. When the danger is around me, my family or around my friend I can't sit watching. It's not war against Sadam or against the terror only; it's a war against us, it's a psychological war.
To live or not to live this is the question.

Bye bye peace of mind, see you in heaven: maybe
-----------------------------------------------------
Note: I will write the update soon, I just write one from many.

Gifts

This Gift is from one of my best friend, this gift is from "O"


The neckless and the card are from my sister "S"


And this is from my lovely friend "H"



This gift is the best. It's from the best mam in the whole world to the best daughter on this planet :) .
And this gifts are from my dad, he bought them from france..

Never Found it

My birthday was before 7 days and I didn't find time to write about that since then. So...
My birthday was not a good day. Well, maybe it was the worse birthday I have ever got. There wasn't a birthday party or a birthday cake or any sweets that I didn't even brush my teeth before I went to bed.

Am I feeling happy with the ( seventeen years old) following my age?
NOT AT ALL.

It's a miserable feeling. I always want the time to go on faster and I always want the year to run fast as much it possible. But when I saw that the year is really passed and there is nothing changes in the reality situation, I felt so much angry and so much guilty.
I feel guilty when I smile because the smile became something UN usual in our interim life and because I know that in this moment the life of many families are destroyed. Many kids are losing their parents and many wives became windows.
I feel guilty because I must feel guilty because I must not shut my mouth and watch the horrible movie became alive. I feel guilty because I have already accepted to live and act in this movie. I feel guilty because on my past life I thought that this problem will solve on play part in this movie.
I feel guilty because I am guilty...

before few days Najma asked me why I was look sad, she said " if you will cry, don't answer"
Well, I didn't.
She asked " Do you want to go out of Iraq?"
My really option and my only choice is I want to stay in Iraq. I want to stay in. I want to see it shinning again. I am not sure that I will, but I am sure that I will stay on it and shining ;(

Good bye

I will take pictures and post it tomorrow...

In order to survive

In order to survive, humans being have to cooperate. And in order to cooperate, they have to communicate their Ideas, feeling and needs.......

The paragraph above is one of the subjects that included in English book for the fifth grade.
So, In order to survive myself I will communicate:
1- my Ideas

I am thinking right know how I will be able to live next month ! They said that the government will cut the electricity from Mosul for 15 days.
Fifteenth days without electricity!! Are they kidding??

2- My feelingI am feeling pessimistic right now, I went to take my physics course and when I was getting back home, I saw about three tank from the large size and in the same times there were about two helicopters flying above my head. I just feel that I am in a camp.
It's not a good feeling when you see that. When a tanks or any kind of US soldiers' cars are in the street, you can't see one car moving beside them, All are driving behind them about 12 M.

3- My thought
As I said before I lost so much weight this month. Today I was wearing my gold ring and suddenly I felt that there is something missing, I looked at my finger and I didn't see it.
I rushed looking for it and I tried to remember every one moment from my movement.
Well, it's work. I found it :)

Do you know what? I am sixteen going to seventeen ... I will be seventeen going to eighteen next week. In the third of June I will be seventeen years old. I will be wiser, taller, thinner and perhaps uglier than the year before.

Now, It's my time for watching TV.

Good bye

hnk

Food !!

Maybe we don't have an electricity, peace ,freedom but we certenly have food.
Maybe we can't drive, walk and doing the simple normal things but we can eat.
Food always make you feel bettter, especially if it's taste good.
here are some food pictures.


My favorite sweet for my friend libby



Aya in NAjma's birthday.


barpique *Did I write it right?*


This picture is Najma Favorite dinner. she used to eat this at least 3 times a week.

This is Klaiga before baking . Iraqi people used to cook this sweet before the Eid

Klaiga ready to be eaten.


The Donuts I cook is one from the best Donuts ever.

Cheese cake I cook is the worse cheese cake ever.

Talking

The clock rang about 7 o'clock in the morning, and I didn't wake up. Rang again at about 7:45 and another one at about 8. Well, I woke up and ate my breakfast and hurried to take my physics examination at home. As I mentioned before, I started studying for the next year.

Hum, Aya came today, she is too active and she prevents us from touch or sit beside Ayman. She said " mal Mamia", she mint that he is her mother's baby.
Till now she thinks that my father is praying, I don't think praying need all this time. anyway
She holds the phone and said "Gagawa, Ta3ali" she mean (Grandpa please come!).
I am too eager to see my father but I am more eager to see the meeting between my father and Aya. I am sure that they are both missing each others very much.

Yesterday I had a terrible night. I closed my eyes and when I was too close from being in my first nightmare, the electricity turn off. Now, I live the nightmare. It was too hut beside that there are many mosquito this summer. What's the problem??

I open the window and look to the sky and between the wires I could see the stars.
Oh... This star is lighting for a moment and stop after while!!
Oh... It's moving!!... Oh it's helicopter, Sorry.
Just imagine my night with the sound of generators and helicopters.
Very beautiful night.

Now, I will go and spend my times with Aya.
bye bye

Crash... *I don't find another name, But that's look nice*

Hi,
I woke up today and told my mother that's I am not feel ok. I didn't eat my breakfast or my lunch because I feel pain in my abdomen, and I couldn't look at the food. It's hard to explain that. BUT
Last Tow months I lost 8 pounds from my wight. I look awful now, just like ghost.And my Mam don't like how I look at all. She often use this word " when you was bretty.....bla bla bla" well, she mean I am ugly right now, there is no other way to explain her words :)
Anyway, I am trying to get my weight back, So I really really ate so much yesterday and I ate everything I see.
So now after you know why I am somehow sick today, You know why I am late.
So see you later
bye bye

PC: hey libby,
Look what the food done!! I am sick :(

trying again...

Hi,
I am trying to write a new post every day in this week. I discovered that the average percent of the daily visits to my bog get lower than before. Well, I don't balm the people who read my bog. Because I don't write regularly last 3 months.
But yesterday I promise myself to not value myself low or my blog. And I'll try to retune the life to my blog and make it breath again.
Now, I have a good opportunity to do something make me feel especial.
Najma's examination will start after 2 weeks. She'll not have enough time to write a post nor visit my blog. So I hope that when she'll finish her examination. My blog will be famous that even Oprah winfry will talk about. :)
Will, I want to do something or to reach some point that Najma didn't reach. I think this is my dream; I want to be her someone. This is disaster and I know it's not good, but I have to do it before I'll lose my confidence in confidence itself. well let's say that she is someone that I look to be like.
She writes in NY Times and washingtonpostt and many others. Well I admit I feel jalousie because I didn't write in a newspaper before.

Well, tell me what I should write. I do nothing every day except studying and sleeping and watching TV. Well, I don't like what I do and I don't like talking about what I do. I don't like what is going on in this planet, I don't like living in this planet where no word of truth was heard.
let's try to do something useful
But not today....
Tomorrow tomorrow ..I'll write a new post tomorrow.
hnk