Happy Birthday my sweet heart!

On the 3rd of june 2014 it was my 25 birthday. It was one of my worse birthday ever but at that day; i had nothing to wish except to be a mother; to have a baby of my own, to have a child that fill my life with laughts. soon in 9th of June; i lost my life, I lost my everything. yes;I am living in a horrible situations now and i had many many wishes for my next birthday but i will never switche my present with the past. I had lost many but i have gained "Dima" my little daughter is my new life; she is the cause of my living, the cause of my passions and the reason why i tolerated so much and still hold out the decision of fleeing and being a refugees. For the sake of my daughter; i will keep moving on and working on myself and looking for a place to ensure her the "Home"and "life " that every child deserve. I had been working all the previous week to do a birthday party of "my dream", i invited all relatives I had in Jordan ( Most of them were living in Baghdad and fled to Jordan after the war in 2003) . It was a great party that get many compliment from the visitors. I baked cookies; donuts; and cupcakes. I made desert: teramisue, fruit salat and Rafaello balls. The table was so rich of calories and i was proud of what i done

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Lighting a candle

In the middle of this empty hole. I have to keep focusing on the top and to light a candle instead of cursing the dark. today i am trying to appreciate what i have instead of crying on my lost. i am keeping myself busy with my daughter and the prepiration for her first birthday. it will be on 21 of this month , but i will do the birthday party on the day after since her father won't be here on the big day. Everybody are invited to attend the party ( friday evening at 5 pm. in Amman/ Jordan) yes yes including youuu and i am serious! I did a lists of sweets that i must bake; i love baking and i enjoy cooking and spending time in kitchen. I also love the kind of tired that follow a day full of work; that's kind of tiredness that came alone in solo without thoughts, without memories and without hurts. These days i am working to change things to better; i don't need to remind myself of how bad it is and how difficult it will be to change it. i need encouragement; supports and pleasant wishes. write me a comment, a letter maybe. I really need you! Pc: for those interesting in coming to the party; write me an email and will tell you the full adress.

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" I had a dream my life would be So different from this hell I'm living So different now, from what it seemed Now life has killed the dream I dreamed "

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memories erase

This is what I need really, those pictures in my head is torturing me

Pictures from the past, past enough to be in Iraq but not that much to be in peace since that happened loooong long ago and had been removed with crowds.

Pictures that I want to forget are not miserable to be sad about, not even regrettable to take lessons from.

Those that remain here in my head are those attached with heart, those that shedding down my tears everynight.they are the sounds of family gathering in Eids greeting  and relieving each other's grief. The laughs of my nieces and my nephews , Oh I missed them to death

They are the hand of friend that used to pull off my tears and make me able to overcome my problems. The hand of  "Noor"  that still pulling off my tears but only in dreams.

They are my old life routines, but they are not boring to me now !

it is my early awake to go to my job in Hospital, My JOB oh God I miss working and gaining money and shopping with my own money and having my own 

money L

I missed my small apartment, I won't say it's so small anymore. I miss my bedroom , it was as white as we need our life to be.

I miss my private pharmacy, I don't know why I am crying when I am writing about it, I only opened it for 20 days and then ISIS came and my efforts and my husband tiredness gone in vain .

It was our mutual goal. It was the pharmacy of my dream, isn't it what every pharmacist dream ?

I miss counting the days down till my parent's day visit come and go there to spend the very few hour before my husband came to take me off because it is not safe to be out of house after 8 pm !!?

I miss watching movies with my husband although the electricity may turn off and you may lose the interest in completing the rest of it in the next day!

I miss streets, although they are always closed, always crowded and always risky !

I miss Mosul biggest and oldest  Mosque " Jami al nabi younis" although I only entered it twice, but it was the blessed that gone when  ISIS attacked the city

After all, things I miss are mostly changed

Most of, are not worthy to feel sorry about

 But every little details of them living with me, hurting me from the inside and that's maybe why I have no intent to return back to where those memories came from. And I have no wish to live them again.

SOS "Save Our Souls"

"Sometimes you don't want to know the end,because how could the end be happy? how could you as a person turn back to the one you was when so much bad had happened!!
how could I laugh again when I gave up smilling for months!
How could I start a life when my own one was taken off by an ISIS in a sudden?!
How could I stand up on my feet again when everything I was working for: my license as a pharmacist, my car , my pharmacy and my small apartment went with our lost's Mosul ?
how could I live "motherhood" with a Mom living under the ISIS abuse!
How  could I give my expected baby a "life" from a died soul !
How could I gave her "peace" when I was living my fears !
And how could I be her home when I don't have a home !

yes, i was so afraid. I was feeling so empty inside when in fact I had a " baby girl" inside !!
But in the other hand I was busy counting days down and waiting . I was waithing for a change since I was in the middle of dead sea and things no matter how bad they goes; they can't be worse.

In the middle of that dark and long nights; my parents with my old, sick grandmother successfully ran away from the occupied Mosul and came to Jordan through a very dangerous road.

My parents being next beside me helped me so much but not enough to complete my pregnancy period.When I was on my 36 week of pregnancy, "Dima" my daughter was born through caesarean section on 21 of January 2015.I felt so blessed to have her safe as I have been told before the surgery that I lost the baby.

She was 1900 Gr(4 pound) in weight , she looked tiny and weak but luckily was healthy. Raising her up to this day was so much hard because of turbulent situations we have passed through as my sick grandmother died after struggling parkinsonism for years.

Nowaday , I'm living with my daughter and my parents in Amman / Jordan away from my husband "Hasan" who had to move to "Ramtha" far in the north where is the only place to have a chance to work because of liecence issues.As I have told you in my previous posts, we proposed a request to the united nations (UNHCR) to seek asylum . We are refugees in Jordan since July 2014,since when our case didn't proceed any step.Waiting the case to reach resettlement stage seems like waiting forever.

The little salary of my husband and the indefinite future we could give to our daughter put us in a terrible emotional situation. I am almost not sleeping , I can't stop thinking . There are that empty holes inside , the inferior feeling that I can't give my daughter the future that every human deserve . I don't want her life to be a copy _paste of my old scary life memories .
                                                              I MUST DO SOMETHING!!
Turn the page ! no that won't be enough..
I shall change the book , the writer , the editor and just keep the charecter (no body can be the heroes of the other's life).
I sale 25 years of my life to buy peace , being a refugee guarantees this for me but resettlement in another country is the only way to start a new peaceful life .
There is no clear view about how long the resettlement will take , I can't build my life here in jordan as being non-jordanian make you rightsless, you can't get legal job lieceince or drive liecence , the only thing that Jordan offer to help you is to vaccinate your baby for free.


Thinking about illegal immigration seems like suicide for me , of course it is not worse than waiting this long-term resettlement but it will be my last choice since I can't ever put my daughter in that shoes or let's say a boat!

So illegal immigration .....................................had been cancelled.
Our case in UNHCR.................................... on pending since one and a half year.
Community proposal pilot to australia ........who will sponsor us? how can i get an approved proposing organizations?
                                                         SO WHAT TO DO?!
Any reader , focus with me please ! i do really need your help , give me your recommendations to solve my situations , let my voice be heared by media ,share this post with your friends , connect me to any organizations that can support me .
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And just keep praying....

A cry

,
You gave me strength but always after pain
You taught me to fight but mostly in vain.
I am alife,
Yes , My heart is beating
but my breath is stand still.

I lost the words to write about my story,  to write about the lilly of my desert,  to write about the beauty of my parents eyes and the warmth that their sounds gived to my heart. 
I lost the words to write about the pain of my country .
And how scared I was within it and how lost I am without.
I really can't express my feeling now but something inside me died with days and as I guess nothing could ever give me more hurt and pain than I already have.

#in a matter of days, I turned from an iraqi pharmacist from hight social class in Mosul to a refugee pregnant woman with no job,  no home adress and only 2000$
# a person who are counting the days to have a call from the IOM to get an appointment for interview which simply may take a year or so till the IOM will decide whether I deserve to have a station in US to start my life over again or not.   That's include to study and certify my pharmacy degree over again !
# I am abviously have a chronic depression eposide and have no close person to talk to ,since all persons I know are already living their own tragedy.
# I lost my uncle in the middle of this.
# I lost *well all of us lost*  the best historical and islamic mosque in Mosul due to ISIS attack. 
I didn't only leave mosul,  Mosul left me back,  old memories,  places and friends all left me.  I am alone all alone.

And have nothing can do,  all I am doing is crying !!

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A letter to my mam

Tired I am tonight,  mam.
Holding inside me a pain of whole town.
Living a story that schehrizade didn't tell in thousand night and one night.

The face I see in the mirror is older tens of years from mine.
In my eyes I see no hope,  no light,  no sunshine.

Even my heartbeat seems to annoy me.
I don't know me mam!
My thoughts are crisd cross,
My plans are no plans.
The minutes are passing as weeks.
Even the seconds don't pass, mam!
I was lost in iraq ! So I flee out.
Now I am lost in Jordan ,mam! 

And if you want to hear a joke.  I just knew that I am expecting a baby. . so I am going to be a mother,  mam!

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لن ابيع العمر

Like a blind, i am walking in a road with no ends, no directions, and no stop stations.
 I am writing with tears falling down like winter's rain. I am crying and yes I am wailing at my Mosul, my mother town funeral .
Mosul fall down in the hand of ISIS 11 days ago. I fled Mosul to the north of Iraq " Kurdistan". yes, I have a heart that I must save but I left my Soule and prayers at home.   Moslawi peoples are passing through the most difficult times they have ever lived. essential life utilities are almost absent. The danger are surrounded us in every directions and everywhere in Iraq. and in order to be in peace; i have to fled as far as possible.

Since war took place in 2003 Iraqi's people didn't live any mean of peace, we continued laughing at ourselves that a better tomorrow will come, and that things will never stayed the way it is.
after 11 years, we woke up at the sound of plash of our died minds in the bottom of blood sea.
Our government and members of parliament were busy in stolling Iraqis' people money; Busy in telling their lies and fighting each other. and loving each other's power !  
  Our the country is at emergency;
parliament simply leave the country and ask America for a help ! !!!
soldiers leave the war yard and ask the citizens for help !  is this a joke ? a play? a story they tell us before we go to sleep.
I will not go to sleep, and If I will do so I'll better never wake up!
 For all those who keep telling me " you are strong" :
No friends, I am weak.
For my sister who keeps telling me " this too shall pass"
 This time, it will not pass  .
 This time I am quit, I have my enough. This time the dead is so close,  and for those who choose to live;  they have to leave. 

I am back :)

Why isnt everybody living the life of their dreams?

after 9 years of blogging, i am now abig big girl, i get married and i have a job in one of the most awful places" hospital" where i play the role of pharmacist and spend the time with sick iraqies, what a bless!
No, really...it's not that bad. I take used to the smell of pain and the dull sick faces and the sound of crying that fill the hospital with mess.
I take used, that i am no more the iraqigirl hadia...i am the iraqiwoman hadia, i am a housekeeper and a wife!


I am a married woman!
And when a girl get marrie in our sosciety everything is gona change,
her house,
Her family,

Her dreams,
Her thoughts,
Her friends,
Her duties and her responsabilities.
Her personality,
And
Her hoppies,

Everything even herself!

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posted from Bloggeroid

soon.... in 22 of october

Dear reader,
Next Monday is my wedding !!!

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It's time to say goodbye dear ( pharmacy college ) !

Note: I am in the picture :)

This website was never mere a blog to me !

May I say that I miss blogging, I miss being Hadia behind the keyboard, writing on her ideas, fears and thoughts... I miss having the courage to admit my poorness ! and having the faith that I can solve it all .

This life steal years from us, I grow up so fast and yes it seems that my adult's problems and stress are bigger * I confess dear childhood*.
Recently, I feel that maybe what I see is not what is going on, Everything seems fake and everyone look different.The college look different, My friends look different, I look different myself " I loose 2 kilos :) "
NO,SERIOUSLY: our yard battle "our life" seems different !

previously in my posts history I wrote a phrase that was written in the cover of my book
" I feel that I have been sleeping all my life and I have woken up and opened my eyes to the words. A beautiful world but impossible to live in "
These are the words of fifteen years old Hadiya

But the words of twenty two years old Hadiya :
" I feel that I have been dupe in my life, and I have woken up and opened my eyes to see the truth and my mind choose to close and will still choose to close as much as this worlds is not a the beautiful world and as much as I want to make it possible to be lived in !"

I need a whole new blog site to write all what I am feeling and living through.
I don't know, but I feel that this life is giving me lessons lately, too much home works and hard exams I may not be able to pass !

I also don't know why I am not able to speak clearly, and why I hide the story beyond this phrases and why knowing that my fiance or someone I know may read this words make me unable to write!

Frankly speaking,I loose my writing habit after my engagement. Obviously this prince stole more that my heart !!! :) BUT,May I ask : why he is not writing?

I miss writing, I miss it soooo much, but I miss my fiance too :(
why I change the subject ? I always change the subject, I can't focus! more than ten ideas visit my head every minute *And you still ask why I have a traffic jam ??

right now I feel that:
I need to write!
I shall and I must and I will probably well ... this website was never mere a blog to me !

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helllo faithful reader !!

I am not a perfect person, and yes I don't have the perfect life but as I have my family next beside me and my fiancé near by, I am grateful and feeling happy and really think that this is the perfect life !

Alhamdulillah

فالحمد لله موصولا كما وجبا ....
فهو برداءة العزة أحتجبا
الباطن الظاهر الحق الذي عجزت ...
عنه المدارك لما أمعنت طلبا

I passed the 4th stage in collage with high marks and I only have one year left to be a pharmacist :)

Alhamdulillah

We traveled to turkey before a month and we spent a very pleasant time there for 14 days…. And now we are in this beautiful month of the year " Ramadan" and I am busy in doing nothing ! " another excuse of not writing, ha?"

Right now, I feel that I lost my writing ability !! probably due to not posting for looong time, which make me feel that I am not doing my best and so I am not satisfied about myself lately especially when I compare myself to the last few years!!

OK, I needed a rest and I am in holiday and I deserve this (maybe !!)

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Now:

It’s 11:30 pm,

It’s raining heavily outside, although we are in summer!!!!

And I didn’t do my exam yesterday, although I did have one!!!

And I am not feeling comfort, although I slept for 10 hours!!

Things not only goes unexpectedly but unrealistically as well

Toxicology is the subject that I hate most in this course of my studying and I had Toxicology exam yesterday which mean that yesterday was bloody and drastic day in my mental life, In the other hand: I did feel that I must do it with pleasure that if i want to live with peace the day after since I will be done from it..

Unfortunately, at 6:45 AM my friend waked me from my nightmare to another nightmare when she said that “there is a curfew”

There is a curfew = there is no exam today = I have to prepare for this exam once again = more nightmares = more miserable = and more bad thoughts that I can’t no longer handle!!

:((

There was a curfew yesterday, and there is a curfew today and there may be a curfew tomorrow and what else’s??? Do they want us to stop living? Wasn’t the 8 years of NOT living enough for them!!

when will this end! When will this soul have peace?

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I am tired of being Iraqi

Sometimes, everything goes as a race and you are in the middle of these have to focus on one thing (EXAM!!!)

Am I the only one who think that revolution in Tunisia and Egypt are really more interest than Toxicology!! I am sure I am not.

Yes, I had the interest in watching news!!

Weird to have that feeling after all that years of stop!! You can say that what happened in Egypt revive some feeling inside me. The revolution nationally inspired me and a ray of hope was seen in my eyes…. BUT unfortunately no longer!!!

The revolution in Iraq which took place on Friday killed all the laughter, and the hope faint away so far!!

May I not watch news anymore, please!!!

Just to say Hi..

She is always tired, Always busy and always taking exams….

Yes, she is always complaining, always crying and always not satisfied!

She is always fighting and always dreaming and always feels the need to write!!!
Unfortunately, this she is always me!

I finished my midcourse examinations before a couple of days and that explains my hyperactivity in refreshing this blog and may explain this few hallucination’s lines!!

I am totally occupied by this fantastic pharmacy college I am attending. Sometimes I reach the point of being unable to decide which thing gave me more worries, the war or the pharmacy college?

But since my study in this college will take 5 years of my life and the war seems to leave me with none, I can tell that my life is of war limiting steps!!

After all, being engage to one of my collegue makes college a more welcome place to go.


I am giving my best in studying and I pray to have marks that suite my ambitious spirit this year inshallah.

Just talking..!!

Ooops, another dozen of weeks without writing!
I know this (the absence from blog) became one of my habit but let's look to the bright side of this case;

* I am writing here since 2004 (I am 6 years old blogger!!).
For this occasion; I need a promotion!! Otherwise my faithfulness to the blogosphere will lose its continuation!!

* my evolution through this 6 years from a teenager girl who carry the world problems on her shoulder to mature girl who consider listening to the news " OUT OF MIND " behavior !!

Well, my absence is related to many causes, one of them is that after taking such a big decision in my life (the engagement decision) I decided to go along with my laziness and enjoy my decision result!!!

The other cause is related to being busy with my summer training in hospital.
I did extra days training not because of my will, and not because I am enjoying the illness smell, the sorrowful faces of leukemic children and not even because I am gaining worthy information (because I don't)..... It's all because:

when Allah gave the humanity kindness in their acts, one of the later refuse this gift!!
Thanks Dr. XXXX for making my world unhappier and unbeautiful place.
And if we were not in this holly month "Ramadan" I was going to go along talking about this, but now I will swallow my anger, hatred and Aversion and change the subject!!


Well, dear brain,
sorry for my nine hundred ninety nine thoughts that have been visiting you these days!!

Dear reader,
relax, I won't write about the 999 thoughts :)

Dear stomach,
be patient, it only 4 hours left till the iftar

Dear CNV,
find me a plan to finish my work's schedual for this month.

Dear heart,
be patient, live life and have Faith...