Mid night escape ... Part 2

June 23,2014 , we arrived at Queen Alia international airport in Amman. We were exhausted after staying awake in the previous night as we had no place to sleep in waiting anxiously for our flight schedule.We went directly toward Ramtha / Irbid where our relative are living. We spent several days catching our breath and thinking what to do next ! we were concered with residency issue .

According to Jordan laws , visitor visa permits to stay in Jordan  for one month , after which a fine is imposed on every person which is about 2 $ per day . A renewable annual residency is approved if we have a deposit of 30000 $ in the bank which is not sensible for us as we left almost everything behind us . We took a rapid decision that we have to register in UNHCR office in Amman so as to get their protection in Jordan .

Early in the next morning we took our passports ,  and all other certificates which prove that we are from Mosul , and went directly to Amman. The system in UNHCR is that you have to take an appointment for the registration interview  before being registered as a refugee.

UNHCR office lies in Khalda / Amman , it is easy to reach as almost all the taxi drivers are familiar with it since the refugees are every where !

When we reached the office , the taxi driver dropped us near a road block and told us to walk through that narrow road to reach the main entrance. At the main getway , there were a firm security check , you should stand in line and wait your turn to enter the door  at which a police officer is standing to ask you a series of questions and then lead you where to go.We waited for our turn in a big lounge then the officer called our number , he was surprised by the fact that we came from Mosul “ you are lucky to flee from there ! “ he said . He gave us an interview appointment just the next day .

Next day , we went there again at dawn . This time , they took us to another lounge and gave us forms to fill it with informations including our story and the causes behind our escape . The hall was over crowded , full of people from different countries mainly from Syria and Iraq , and you can see their dispirited faces while listening eagerly to the speakers to hear their names for the interview . It make you feel sad seeing all that people there , oldmen , women and children who escaped from the war and presecution in their homeland and have no guilt but to be born there. After waiting for along time , they called our names for the interview , they asked as question about our informations we ‘d filled in the forms and then gave us a certificate to prove that we are registered in UNHCR but not yet as refugees . They gave as an appointment date for interview that determine our legitmacy to be “refugees” which was tentatively scheduled after three months. Fortunately , after a week we received a call from UNHCR office telling us that they have rescheduled the date and made it the next day ! This call gave us some hope that the processing of our case is fast and they are considering us as an urgent case ! .

This interview was quiet different , it was even in another building away from the main office , we waited for hours before the time of interview , the waiting hours passed in deathly quiet , the hall was semi empty with several families were sitting and waiting in silence. Then the employee called us and told us that we will be interviewed seperately . You will absolutely feel anxious to death when you see the officer taking you to a seperate room with a recorder in his hand to record your answers , you must be very sure from your answer and honest with every word that you would say. The room was almost empty with only two chairs and desk ! The officer started to ask series of detailed questions regarding our story and you have to answer clearly and without hesitation as it may affect their decicion , what scary moments they were !

After the interview , they asked us to wait for the decision . Six hours of anxitey passed , finally the officer came out and called us “ you are now refugees , you are now protected by UN “ he said and he told us that the next step is “Resettelment in another country “ , but nothing is guaranteed and we have to wait for their call. We are now “ refugees” , that word which means that you are homeless.

The disappointing thing that even if you have the status of refugee , they consider you as illegal recidense and you still have to pay the fine of 2$ per day and the UN only protect you against being kicked out .

Living as a refugee is a matter of sufferance , we are losing hope , we are prohibited to work and we may be fired if we try to find a job . we are almost without any rights. Two years have passed , and we are still waiting for resettlement , no one is giving us a clear answer about it , every time we call them we hear the same answer “ your case is under studying , wait for our call “ , and that phone is still silent for 2 years. We have no other choice but to wait for their mercy , no other country gives visa for refugees and we have lost every thing home !

Please pray for us , pray for the refugees who have no guilt but to be victims of the war.

Mid night escape .... Part 1

It has been two years since Mosul occupation by ISIS . After 5 days of curfew and fighting , 30000 fighters of the iraqi military forces ran away leaving their guns and tanks to be seized by ISIS fighters after which the misery began in june 10 , 2016.

It was 2 A.M , we were frightened and didn’t know what to do , and where to go . ISIS fighters broke into a police station nearby us and burned it , so we made the decision of fleeing as fast as we can as the situation was getting worse and it was unsafe to stay home . We rode the car and pulled a way seeking a safe road to go through . The city was frightful , fire was every where , the streets were full of burned military humvees that the defeated army left behined . 

People were helpless and confused , all of them were seeking for safe place to run toward. We hardly struggled the highway that reach Kurdistan to the north of Mosul . After driving whole the night we hardly reached the checkpoint before Dohuk in the morning . The lines of cars waiting there were endless as there were security prudences and the checkpoint was closed and no one was allowed to pass . Waiting hours near that checkpoint was hard , we weren’t able to think and were shocked by the previous night events ,we were tired and miserable and we could do nothing but to wait for the mercy of the officer in the checkpoint . 

Finally they allowed families to get in but in condition that you left your car and walk . We left the car and walked toward Dohuk , fortunately we found someone who picked up and help us reaching Dohuk. The city is small and it is unable to lodge all that people who fled Mosul , the hotels were almost full and we kept looking for a place to sleep in until we found a small motel , they accepted to give us a small room in return for paying them a high price per night. Several days passed and we did nothing but to watch the news trying to know  what is happening in Mosul ,what are ISIS is planing for  and what is next ? .. Mean while we received a phone call from our supervisor in Al Baaj  health center that we were working in and told us that ISIS presided over the health center and one of their fighters called him and told him that they collect our informations including our adresses and phone numbers and send us a threat either to return to work to treat and attend their injured fighters or they will consider us as resistants and will kill or take the possession on our property in Mosul. We were shocked and frightened being wanted by them and the situation is getting more worse as the local government started to harass the people who entered Dohuk after june , 10 by the issues of sponsors and security checking and prohibited people from leaving their residences , it looked like a house arrest !.

As we have to pay for the motel , we realized that we will be out of pocket soon ! It is no longer possible to stay there , we needed a place that protect us , a place to feel more safe !

At last , we had no choice but to leave Iraq , we applied for visa to Jordan in a travel agency in Dohuk , we were lucky to get  approval as Jordan was inflexible regarding visa issues for Iraqi citizens.

To be contiued….

Rumbling...

Wow; It has been a big change in my life at all aspects and levels since I begin this blog . Well; I guess part two of my diary book will be more enthusiasm and have unexpected events but common to the previous one with no view of the future. I mentioned previously that life can never get worse but day after day during the last ten years of my life; Life surprise me of it's bad wrong orientation, and i reach to the point that I am no longer thinking of how bad it is really ( It can always get worse for Iraqis). I am only praying for bad things not to come. Thinking of my past giving me grief feelings covered with headache and dizziness. It resemble the feeling of looking to the bottom from a height hills while you have to cross to another side. I am now in the middle of this road, I have to cross it without being able to take backward steps, I have to keep my eyes on my feet but those memories in the bottoms are always distract me and give me fears and worries to keep on. .

What an art!! It have been a century since I hold a pen to draw. I am thinking seriously of going back to practice my hobby in drawing since my psychological situation is getting seriously danger and I need something to keep me busy from thinking. I visited all Pharmacist in the neighbor and asked them if they will ever accept me to work with them even without salary but there is no hope as long as there is no working license. OK Ok Ok stop complaining . Let's talk how a 26 ( sooner be 27) refugee mother spend her day ! My daily life are truly completely being control by one and less than a half years old Daughter. My lovely Dima is a funny UN average baby. She learned how to walk but she can't crawl ! She is getting so scared from high sound but at the same time when she cry; all the middle east will hear her sound ! She is in Love with eating everything even shoes but at the same time, she don't eat much food ! She is sensitive, caring and loving daughter as long as her father are here with us. Once he leave; both of us ( me and Dima) get a bad ethics. * Don't get close, we might explode into tears* . For me; marriage is the stability in the middle of mess.  The times I spent married living with my husband are equal  to those we spent far away from each other ! Anyway, thanks God I have my parents near by my side, I reached the point after ISIS attack when I thought that I will never see them again.  My lovely parent's; God protect and save you... I love you ( I know you are reading this!) I am also thankful to god for having  Dima. I was born to be a mother. I love this girl more than my heart can hold from love. I need her more than she need me! just think about it. Who will ever think of waiting me at the door when I am in the bathroom except her!? who will ever wake me up if I forgot to adjust the alarm before i go to bed!? who will ever force me to laugh while i am totally depress.  This girl is a gift from Allah to all of us : me, her father, and my parents.

The distructive liberation

Every day , we wake to news about the libration of Iraqi lands occupied by ISIS and the heavy fighting between the latter and the iraqi army helped by sectarian shiite militia known as “hashid shaaby” supervised by coaliation forces. Evidently the term “ liberation “ seems to be a glorious victory that brings back peace to the people there, but the reality appears to be different . It is just a massive destruction that turn the cities to uninhabitable scraps .

Since April , 2015 ,Tikrit ( a city located 140 km northwest to Baghdad , 220  km southeast to Mosul) was regaind from islamic state fighters after fierce fighting which forced 28,000 civilians to fled out of the city . Regaining Tikrit gave some hope to the displaced people to return back to their homes , but everyone was shocked by retributive vandalism carried out by shia militia groups who took the control on the city and started to burn , destroy and steal the property of the fleet people. After a year from liberating Tikrit , the people, who fled to kurdistan in the north,  are between the hammer and the anvil for being afraid to return to their homes and bearing the harassement of Kurdistan government who tries to compel them to leave kurdistan by refusing the renewal of their residency permission. Targeting unarmed civilians continued in Al Muqdadyiah ( province of Dyalah ) under the pretention of fighting terrorism. 

The government tried to improve it’s public image in Ramadi (108 km west to Baghdad ) as it relied largely on official iraqi armed forces together with  the armed tribes and the coaliation air strikes while constricting the role of “Hashid” militia which incensed Shiites as they consider it a depreciation to them . Again the government mass media tried to glorify the victory , but Ramadi liberation was synonymous with that of Tikrit. Ramadi now is a wild city with completely destructed infra structures , the government reports estimated that about 80% of the city is completely broken up ,  Besides the sleeper cells that come between any chances to bring peace to the city .

The big challenge now is “ Mosul “ ،The second largest city in Iraq with 2 millions people trapped there under the role of ISIS . As opposed to the tribal society of Ramady and to some degree of Tikrit , cultured society of Mosul make things more complicated in terms of arming the tribes belong to the city which in some way was helpful in Ramadi.

Mosul is considered as the stronghold of ISIS fighters and one of the most important resource for them , As a result they won’t give up easily and they will fight desperately in order to keep the city under their control taking the advantage of the high popular density and using them as human shields . The government seems to temporize taking serious steps in liberation of Mosul as well as it insist on participating “ Hashid “ militia despite the troubles they made in Tikrit and other cities. All the factors mentioned above make the liberation of the city more difficult and more complicated which mean that the city may undergo  more massive destruction and shedding a lot of blood in comparision of other cities.

Iraq in general is walking toward the abyss , the government is helpless and have lost a considerable parts of Iraq and hand them over to the strangers . the politicians are busy in filling their pockets and don’t care about the people outside their castles .

Iraq really needs a miracle to survive this period which is the worst period in it’s history.

# Allepo _is _ burning

 unsurprisingly, it is the most trending hashtag on social media at present , all the world appeals for helping blameless people who have no guilt but to be living there, on the land of the bloody war.

No one could believe that the hair-raising scenes shown on TV or the internet are from our real world , the world that call for peace , human rights , and saving people every day. What a wild world we live in today! A world who admit to leave the people at the mercy of bombs and rockets , to close the door in front of any one who want to run for his life , and to enjoy watching them sink in the seas without being affected.

It was  shocking to watch the debris of the  destroyed buildings heaped over injured or even dead victims، blood rivers flow everywhere , and crying children looking for their lost families !

Between the depressing pictures concerning Aleppo crisis which spreaded on the net was that one of the frightened old man , raising his finger toward the sky  with blood and dust covering his face . It really breaks the heart seeing such an old man in such a miserable state . Almost all the facebook pages published his picture to show how hard and disastrous the situation is in Aleppo , but do you know what? The picture was taken in Mosul !! Yes,  It was taken in that day when Mosul university is pounded . Mosul is being destroyed too , every day tens of rockets are thrown on the city but no one knows ! Mosul is as miserable as Aleppo but no one hears about it. I don’t reproach publishers , but I want to send a message that Mosul also needs help , it also lives the same drama of killing , bombing  , and forcible displacement as that of Aleppo.

The problem in Mosul that it lacks the media coverage , the city is isolated from it’s surroundings , No one could go into or get out of it . Besides the daily air strikes that burn the city every day . Most of people now are out of pocket , distitute of their basic needs , helpless , and wonder how to survive next days which appear to be more complicated as the air strikes on the city become more violent every day .

Mosul really needs your urgent help , even by your prayers , it doesn’t deserve all that torture it going through..

We ask God to be merciful on Mosul , Aleppo ,and all the innocent people who just want to live in peace in their home.

ودمروا كل اشيائي الحبيباتي…

Don't destroy my Memories, Places,Houses, Mosques and university. They Fire a flame in my heart, a flame that can't faint out with days. No words can turn it back nor consol my sadness for this big loss. They destroyed My university/ Mosul university. Air strike targeted ISIS at University of Mosul and Destroyed it. Looking at the negative side: This is the place where i first met my husband and where we fell in love with each other. the place where i learned and studies for five amazing un forgettable years. The place where my success firstly tasted and hurtly left me after flees. With everytime i just remember the video i saw of the boobs hitting my university, i fell in a deepe and deepe depression. with you i will share this graduation photo of me
at my college: Mosul pharmacy college/ University of Mosul/ Iraq

East or West; OUTSIDE Iraq is the best

In a sudden; they left
with toddler hesitated steps, they crawled
their moves were done with silence,
And their destination were to anywhere.

Some readers asked me why i didn't choose another Iraqi city to live in after fleeing my hometown

First of all during the day of all this rubbish happened, the whole thing was not an optional for us. we fled to where the road took us. Duhok was the nearest safe place to us.We were accompanied with our Kurdi neighbor who could sponsor us to get into Duhok city.

Yes, it's true that Duhok is an Iraqi city but yet so far we can't get into it without being checked by eye prints and giving full ID name and picture. This is done for each Arabian Iraqi person trying to enter it's border before the fall of Mosul even happened !

And after the fall of Mosul the things were pretty much harder. without having a sponsor Kurdi inside Duhok, you have no right to enter the city. 

Peoples who didn't have sponsor were left out the border, later were moved into a camps. 

Staying in Duhok was hard and illegally possible.Even with the aid of our sponsor we couldn't get un limited residency time there. 

Fleeing into Baghdad was even worse option. althought I have my grandpa's house there but the house is empty from it's owners. I visited Baghdad in may 2013 for 3 hours only and I left in the same day because it was so danger to stay with all fake checkpoints in Baghdad to filter Sunni's people.I visited Baghdad one other time on February 2014 when I chose to travel by airplane since it is no longer safe road for Sunni Iraqi to get into Baghdad. During this visit I didn't talk a world with the people in the streets because I have pure Moslawi accent that can't be missed. I returned back as soon as I finished my work there.

Moreover Baghdad followed the steps of Kurdistan and didn't allow Moslawies after june 2014 to enter without having a sponsor !!! 

To be more honest:
If you are Sunni Moslawi :
There is no place for you to live in Iraq anymore.

Those who choose to stay; they beard the high rent prices, high cost of living in Kurdistan and the bad treatment in police station to get the security permission to stay in kurdistan for one month. Those people are:
1- Either not having passport or didn't get a visa to go to other place
2- or their children have to finish  their college in Kirkuk or Erbil.

In my case; i was lucky to have visa to Jordan since i have a Jordanian sibling and i was more lucky to have a great high license in Pharmacy but luck didn't help me In Jordan since i am restricted with Jordan's laws that prohibit me from practicing my work, restricted my residency with fees (2$ for person a day) even if i was counted with refugees under UNHCR protection.

At the end; i reach to a conviction that there is no Moslawi comfortable with his situation and we are all chasing our dreams and being chased by ISIS curse.

can anybody help us? PLEASE

What days will bring to Mosul !?

This is part two of "Mosul in my heart and in my heart it will be kept safe"
                   * Moslawies = Mosul's residence

We nearly stopped hearing news of Mosul from our relatives in Mosul. Whenever we asked them about the situation,their answers keep with hints and they tried to change the subject!

-Don't use your last name on facebook!  -Aha Ok
-Don't tag us to any news concerning Mosul !  -  I understand
-Don't mention their name * you know who* on your speak or letters to us.  - I won't
-Don't like or share Posts about explosions or news of Mosul.            - !!!!!
And -Don't let us complain about life under their state.                       - :(

And Don't ... Don't ...Don't
Don't what!?
 Don't remember your origin? Don't remember your beloved?
Don't write! I must sit!? watching?

أ ينام الليل من سرقوا بلاده !؟

In respond to all their guidance; All I ask:
- Don't Die ! and if it is possible just keep safe!


 I can feel the distance between us get wider. I don't like this,
 It's hurting me not writing to them and not writing about them!.

Mosul in my heart and in  my prayers and it will always be kept safe there to where it belong.

Rumors trading a week ago between peoples and in the news that there is a curfew in Mosul, ISIS started leaving their stations and the liberation war are on the doors!  unfortunately; nothing from that ever happened. From the fall of Mosul on 2014 the government said there is a liberation plan on the doors. Same lies are being tell every month. Mosul get nothing from Iraqi government except cut the road into and out of the city, stop the salary of people inside. Not caring about what Moslawies will have left at the end.

The Government saying lies to make their face innocent in-front of the worlds.
Moslawies people inside Mosul and out side it didn't taste the sleep one and a half years ago and again
 !?أ ينام الليل من سرقوا بلاده


There are always a late evening party in Mosul! That's what my relatives said to reach out the idea that there are shelling on Mosul.

People in Mosul are asked ( by you know who) to collect and save their identification and properties' papers on file and save copy on CD's_this put Moslawies afraid that there will be a mandatory exodus.
Moslawies ( people in Mosul) are aware that there will be a bloody battle in order to liberate Mosul. But For them they have nothing to lose. The city is already destroyed and free from souls. And those persons walking on the streets are either ghosts from ISIS or shades from Moslawies overwhelmed on themselves.

when the warriors didn't lift his sword:
Orphans slept in the streets,
The child didn't born in it's country of nation.
The bride didn't wear her white dress,

The city turned into a jungle.

and The mouth kept thirsty from calling for rescue.. 

And the worlds, Shame on the worlds who forget Mosul and forget Moslawies.

At the end: I have a promise for my city that I had been living in:
     
You will live inside me forever, Mosul is in my heart and in my Moslawie heart I will keep it safe.


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Mosul is in my heart and in my heart will be kept save

firstly on my early days in blogging i were writing about politics. i wrote many of my opinions that were proven to be incorrect and many of my thoughts that were changed in respond to my whole life events.
 For example; I regret writing badly about Sadam because for me as 26 Iraqi person: i never knew a president before him nor a person worth to hold the term( President) followed after Sadam.
 I regret my appeal for American soldiers to leave Iraq since those came after from Shia's sectarian Army, SWAT and ISIS were worse and worse and worse.
I regret cursing my life when i had family, home, and Jobe ! And most of all;
i regret not leaving Iraq earlier by my choice not like the way i fled; frighten, sacrificing and completly lost !
 I promised not to write again about politics but after all, i must change my mind temporary and writing about politics,hoping this won't cost me my life ! i will write about what are hidden from news that people around the world don't know. things that are going on in Mosul that no body hear of!
 The ISIS Attack to Syria took a wide, extensive area in the media and Mosul's attack took a little! i feel shocked when i met people here in Jordan don't have an Idea that ISIS really attack Mosul!! yes i am serious. many of them don't know that.
I am an example of people who give up listening to news 10 years ago but after the events in 2014 i felt i have to know everything and in urgent! but that's didn't work. it seems that no body is understanding what is going on. the whole things goes as scenario of a pre-drawn plan to divide Iraq! or to erase Mosul from map maybe!
 The first crimes of ISIS in Mosul was exploding many of BOTH churches AND Mosques. exploding historical monuments followed after.The militarian aviation from the other side are shelling large building of the government and universities in their believe that ISIS's soldiers are living there.
what's really happen is that many shelling killed many inoscent Mosul's residents and that ISIS knows prior to the begin of the shelling the possibility of being hit and so they leave the areas!


In addition to all that; Mosul's dam are now subject to collapse !  Mosul residents are now between the devil (ISIS) and the deep blue river crises .

Mosul's residence who didn't fled are divided into groups:

1- Those didn't fled because they were ill or elderly ( yes; for me as a person who fled Mosul: we all had to leave the car somewhere and walk on our feet for a large distance and i was lucky that i didn't slept on the streets like some)

2- Those who didn't believe that NO ACTION will be made. The country of neanderthal? Sumerian and Asur's culture don't have army to stand against few hundreds of extraneous terrorist group!
*the most painful point is that sectarian's army that ran from Mosul with the first few hours from the attack were paid monies enough to raise a state budget*

3- Those that their love to Mosul stand against their fears ( Die with Dignity take over the humiliating life). As a Moslawi refugee i can tell : yes it's humiliating to have no country!

 Those three groups are now suffering from not only the absence of water most of the days but also from the lack of salary income and shortage of some food stuff and the absence of other except those locally manufactured.

Those groups of people are stuck in the hell that was ignited one and a half year ago. They can't go out of Mosul nor anyone can send helping stuffs or money to them. we can't call them! nor can hear their real stories on the internet social media as I heard that ISIS impose severe control on the internet connection and those who wrote against ISIS were executed.

 In the end of this post; all what i have left to say is a quote from a poet:
" I was exiled from my coountry and the strangers settled instead And destroyed all my beloved things"

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"when i was just a little girl i asked my mother what will i be? will i be pretty! will i be rich !"

 Is this what all matter? "Will i be pretty?"
what a victory ha!,  this is what i called * stupid inocient *
pretty refugee; holding her daughter in one hand and in the other; holding her pharmacy licence .. walking in the street of Amman like a missing annonymous.
I am moving with my parents from one flat to another; trying to find something they called " comfort" and " home". I am counting days down to the time i can define my future plans .
 I Hardly can see my husband; i am suffering from his being far away from us and not in a safe place as well. Ramtha is where he works is located near borderline of syria. unfortunately some shells fell by mistake on Ramtha every now and then.

nowadays;I hardly find time to write a new post. i am busy with my daughter; she had three new teeth this week!!! and she loves to start walking; she is moving few steps and then falling apart.

 I feel lonly with my inner thoughts. what a world! i never think that life will go this far with me! i am giving my best after all. i am trying everything. knocking every doors infront of me to get ride from this EMPTY hole! I registered in UNHCR I ,applied for humanitarian immigration to Australia, i applied for diversity visas. i will be very glad if anyone just can help me with a thoughts! opinions maybe . I need a miracle to get out of here..

Happy Birthday my sweet heart!

On the 3rd of june 2014 it was my 25 birthday. It was one of my worse birthday ever but at that day; i had nothing to wish except to be a mother; to have a baby of my own, to have a child that fill my life with laughts. soon in 9th of June; i lost my life, I lost my everything. yes;I am living in a horrible situations now and i had many many wishes for my next birthday but i will never switche my present with the past. I had lost many but i have gained "Dima" my little daughter is my new life; she is the cause of my living, the cause of my passions and the reason why i tolerated so much and still hold out the decision of fleeing and being a refugees. For the sake of my daughter; i will keep moving on and working on myself and looking for a place to ensure her the "Home"and "life " that every child deserve. I had been working all the previous week to do a birthday party of "my dream", i invited all relatives I had in Jordan ( Most of them were living in Baghdad and fled to Jordan after the war in 2003) . It was a great party that get many compliment from the visitors. I baked cookies; donuts; and cupcakes. I made desert: teramisue, fruit salat and Rafaello balls. The table was so rich of calories and i was proud of what i done

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Lighting a candle

In the middle of this empty hole. I have to keep focusing on the top and to light a candle instead of cursing the dark. today i am trying to appreciate what i have instead of crying on my lost. i am keeping myself busy with my daughter and the prepiration for her first birthday. it will be on 21 of this month , but i will do the birthday party on the day after since her father won't be here on the big day. Everybody are invited to attend the party ( friday evening at 5 pm. in Amman/ Jordan) yes yes including youuu and i am serious! I did a lists of sweets that i must bake; i love baking and i enjoy cooking and spending time in kitchen. I also love the kind of tired that follow a day full of work; that's kind of tiredness that came alone in solo without thoughts, without memories and without hurts. These days i am working to change things to better; i don't need to remind myself of how bad it is and how difficult it will be to change it. i need encouragement; supports and pleasant wishes. write me a comment, a letter maybe. I really need you! Pc: for those interesting in coming to the party; write me an email and will tell you the full adress.

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" I had a dream my life would be So different from this hell I'm living So different now, from what it seemed Now life has killed the dream I dreamed "

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memories erase

This is what I need really, those pictures in my head is torturing me

Pictures from the past, past enough to be in Iraq but not that much to be in peace since that happened loooong long ago and had been removed with crowds.

Pictures that I want to forget are not miserable to be sad about, not even regrettable to take lessons from.

Those that remain here in my head are those attached with heart, those that shedding down my tears everynight.they are the sounds of family gathering in Eids greeting  and relieving each other's grief. The laughs of my nieces and my nephews , Oh I missed them to death

They are the hand of friend that used to pull off my tears and make me able to overcome my problems. The hand of  "Noor"  that still pulling off my tears but only in dreams.

They are my old life routines, but they are not boring to me now !

it is my early awake to go to my job in Hospital, My JOB oh God I miss working and gaining money and shopping with my own money and having my own 

money L

I missed my small apartment, I won't say it's so small anymore. I miss my bedroom , it was as white as we need our life to be.

I miss my private pharmacy, I don't know why I am crying when I am writing about it, I only opened it for 20 days and then ISIS came and my efforts and my husband tiredness gone in vain .

It was our mutual goal. It was the pharmacy of my dream, isn't it what every pharmacist dream ?

I miss counting the days down till my parent's day visit come and go there to spend the very few hour before my husband came to take me off because it is not safe to be out of house after 8 pm !!?

I miss watching movies with my husband although the electricity may turn off and you may lose the interest in completing the rest of it in the next day!

I miss streets, although they are always closed, always crowded and always risky !

I miss Mosul biggest and oldest  Mosque " Jami al nabi younis" although I only entered it twice, but it was the blessed that gone when  ISIS attacked the city

After all, things I miss are mostly changed

Most of, are not worthy to feel sorry about

 But every little details of them living with me, hurting me from the inside and that's maybe why I have no intent to return back to where those memories came from. And I have no wish to live them again.

SOS "Save Our Souls"

"Sometimes you don't want to know the end,because how could the end be happy? how could you as a person turn back to the one you was when so much bad had happened!!
how could I laugh again when I gave up smilling for months!
How could I start a life when my own one was taken off by an ISIS in a sudden?!
How could I stand up on my feet again when everything I was working for: my license as a pharmacist, my car , my pharmacy and my small apartment went with our lost's Mosul ?
how could I live "motherhood" with a Mom living under the ISIS abuse!
How  could I give my expected baby a "life" from a died soul !
How could I gave her "peace" when I was living my fears !
And how could I be her home when I don't have a home !

yes, i was so afraid. I was feeling so empty inside when in fact I had a " baby girl" inside !!
But in the other hand I was busy counting days down and waiting . I was waithing for a change since I was in the middle of dead sea and things no matter how bad they goes; they can't be worse.

In the middle of that dark and long nights; my parents with my old, sick grandmother successfully ran away from the occupied Mosul and came to Jordan through a very dangerous road.

My parents being next beside me helped me so much but not enough to complete my pregnancy period.When I was on my 36 week of pregnancy, "Dima" my daughter was born through caesarean section on 21 of January 2015.I felt so blessed to have her safe as I have been told before the surgery that I lost the baby.

She was 1900 Gr(4 pound) in weight , she looked tiny and weak but luckily was healthy. Raising her up to this day was so much hard because of turbulent situations we have passed through as my sick grandmother died after struggling parkinsonism for years.

Nowaday , I'm living with my daughter and my parents in Amman / Jordan away from my husband "Hasan" who had to move to "Ramtha" far in the north where is the only place to have a chance to work because of liecence issues.As I have told you in my previous posts, we proposed a request to the united nations (UNHCR) to seek asylum . We are refugees in Jordan since July 2014,since when our case didn't proceed any step.Waiting the case to reach resettlement stage seems like waiting forever.

The little salary of my husband and the indefinite future we could give to our daughter put us in a terrible emotional situation. I am almost not sleeping , I can't stop thinking . There are that empty holes inside , the inferior feeling that I can't give my daughter the future that every human deserve . I don't want her life to be a copy _paste of my old scary life memories .
                                                              I MUST DO SOMETHING!!
Turn the page ! no that won't be enough..
I shall change the book , the writer , the editor and just keep the charecter (no body can be the heroes of the other's life).
I sale 25 years of my life to buy peace , being a refugee guarantees this for me but resettlement in another country is the only way to start a new peaceful life .
There is no clear view about how long the resettlement will take , I can't build my life here in jordan as being non-jordanian make you rightsless, you can't get legal job lieceince or drive liecence , the only thing that Jordan offer to help you is to vaccinate your baby for free.


Thinking about illegal immigration seems like suicide for me , of course it is not worse than waiting this long-term resettlement but it will be my last choice since I can't ever put my daughter in that shoes or let's say a boat!

So illegal immigration .....................................had been cancelled.
Our case in UNHCR.................................... on pending since one and a half year.
Community proposal pilot to australia ........who will sponsor us? how can i get an approved proposing organizations?
                                                         SO WHAT TO DO?!
Any reader , focus with me please ! i do really need your help , give me your recommendations to solve my situations , let my voice be heared by media ,share this post with your friends , connect me to any organizations that can support me .
Readers who are interested:
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And just keep praying....

A cry

,
You gave me strength but always after pain
You taught me to fight but mostly in vain.
I am alife,
Yes , My heart is beating
but my breath is stand still.

I lost the words to write about my story,  to write about the lilly of my desert,  to write about the beauty of my parents eyes and the warmth that their sounds gived to my heart. 
I lost the words to write about the pain of my country .
And how scared I was within it and how lost I am without.
I really can't express my feeling now but something inside me died with days and as I guess nothing could ever give me more hurt and pain than I already have.

#in a matter of days, I turned from an iraqi pharmacist from hight social class in Mosul to a refugee pregnant woman with no job,  no home adress and only 2000$
# a person who are counting the days to have a call from the IOM to get an appointment for interview which simply may take a year or so till the IOM will decide whether I deserve to have a station in US to start my life over again or not.   That's include to study and certify my pharmacy degree over again !
# I am abviously have a chronic depression eposide and have no close person to talk to ,since all persons I know are already living their own tragedy.
# I lost my uncle in the middle of this.
# I lost *well all of us lost*  the best historical and islamic mosque in Mosul due to ISIS attack. 
I didn't only leave mosul,  Mosul left me back,  old memories,  places and friends all left me.  I am alone all alone.

And have nothing can do,  all I am doing is crying !!

Readers who are interested:

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A letter to my mam

Tired I am tonight,  mam.
Holding inside me a pain of whole town.
Living a story that schehrizade didn't tell in thousand night and one night.

The face I see in the mirror is older tens of years from mine.
In my eyes I see no hope,  no light,  no sunshine.

Even my heartbeat seems to annoy me.
I don't know me mam!
My thoughts are crisd cross,
My plans are no plans.
The minutes are passing as weeks.
Even the seconds don't pass, mam!
I was lost in iraq ! So I flee out.
Now I am lost in Jordan ,mam! 

And if you want to hear a joke.  I just knew that I am expecting a baby. . so I am going to be a mother,  mam!

Readers who are interested:

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Contact me on : hnk1989@gmail.com

لن ابيع العمر

Like a blind, i am walking in a road with no ends, no directions, and no stop stations.
 I am writing with tears falling down like winter's rain. I am crying and yes I am wailing at my Mosul, my mother town funeral .
Mosul fall down in the hand of ISIS 11 days ago. I fled Mosul to the north of Iraq " Kurdistan". yes, I have a heart that I must save but I left my Soule and prayers at home.   Moslawi peoples are passing through the most difficult times they have ever lived. essential life utilities are almost absent. The danger are surrounded us in every directions and everywhere in Iraq. and in order to be in peace; i have to fled as far as possible.

Since war took place in 2003 Iraqi's people didn't live any mean of peace, we continued laughing at ourselves that a better tomorrow will come, and that things will never stayed the way it is.
after 11 years, we woke up at the sound of plash of our died minds in the bottom of blood sea.
Our government and members of parliament were busy in stolling Iraqis' people money; Busy in telling their lies and fighting each other. and loving each other's power !  
  Our the country is at emergency;
parliament simply leave the country and ask America for a help ! !!!
soldiers leave the war yard and ask the citizens for help !  is this a joke ? a play? a story they tell us before we go to sleep.
I will not go to sleep, and If I will do so I'll better never wake up!
 For all those who keep telling me " you are strong" :
No friends, I am weak.
For my sister who keeps telling me " this too shall pass"
 This time, it will not pass  .
 This time I am quit, I have my enough. This time the dead is so close,  and for those who choose to live;  they have to leave. 

I am back :)

Why isnt everybody living the life of their dreams?

after 9 years of blogging, i am now abig big girl, i get married and i have a job in one of the most awful places" hospital" where i play the role of pharmacist and spend the time with sick iraqies, what a bless!
No, really...it's not that bad. I take used to the smell of pain and the dull sick faces and the sound of crying that fill the hospital with mess.
I take used, that i am no more the iraqigirl hadia...i am the iraqiwoman hadia, i am a housekeeper and a wife!


I am a married woman!
And when a girl get marrie in our sosciety everything is gona change,
her house,
Her family,

Her dreams,
Her thoughts,
Her friends,
Her duties and her responsabilities.
Her personality,
And
Her hoppies,

Everything even herself!

Readers who are interested:
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Contact me on : hnk1989@gmail.com

posted from Bloggeroid

soon.... in 22 of october

Dear reader,
Next Monday is my wedding !!!

Readers who are interested:
like my new page on facebook : IraqiGirl Diary
Contact me on : hnk1989@gmail.com