Home sickness; Not really

home sickness ! No No No; Maybe in the first hundred days after leaving mosul; maybe in the first few months when i was still holding hope that sun will shine tomorrow. maybe when i had house and family still living in Mosul . Now; after this terrible; difficult unbearable 3 years. after I lost what I lost. I can say; I have no cells on me crave to go back even after the *distructive liberation* is nearly over. I crave only for my Family; friends and schools. I crave most of the time to the food !! I crave to my old me. I am no longer that same Hadia. calling back memories refund blood supplies to my brain; I feel weird seeing the pictures of Mosul streets. I was discussing this with my husband last night. we both feel something that is hard to discribe as we both were part of this place three years ago.In the same time we used a contraversy word to describe the feeling; I wad telling my husband; seeing the pictures of this places gave me "gauzy" feeling ! While; he said in the same moment "yeah, grimy" ! we fell into laughing as we were thinking; after 5 year of marriage; we became thinking mostly the same ! * wrong* I feel that there is kind of external hard disk where those memoried are save; kind of hard to recall them but in the same time it's details are etched. It's kind of feeling that they are not belonging to me ! or it belong to me in another life! or it just memories that happened thousands of months ago ! I don't know! those are only pictures in my head !

What life looks like as a refugee

It is almost three years away from home , almost 1000 days passed and I’m waiting for a guardian angel to wake me up from my dismal nightmare and tell me that it’s over ! 

I’m waiting for a liberator to extricate me from this exile. To make me free; free from hurts, free from pain of "loss "and the pain of " lost"

I’m waiting for that day when I’ll live a normal life, have normal and bearable worries just like other people in the world. I don’t know for how long we have to pay the tax of being born in the land of war,Iraq. How long this will be considered as a stigma that make every country put us on their black lists.

From 2003 ,every day I was having the hope that tomorrow will be better, and I’m still waiting for that tomorrow to come, it must come soon as I’m tired ticking the calendar! I had a narrow escape from Mosul three years ago to find myself here ,in Jordan, as a refugee leaving almost everything behind me to chase it again ; the better tomorrow.

Living as a refugee looks like as your ship has drowned and you clutch to shipwreck to survive and waiting for somebody or something to help you, but you don’t know when it will comes ! It is really a life with endless uphill journey. You have to keep holding hope inside that you will be picked up (saved) in the time you are actually half wet ( dead !)

If I would describe my life as a refugee, I would rather choose “life of prohibition” as it’s title. It resembles a big jail that you put yourself in for no guilt but losing your homeland. It makes you feel that you came from another planet with extra powers that can make you bear this tough life with no rights.I really take pity on myself  when I walk down the streets watching all these busy people working, driving, and see the dissatisfaction on their face, I sometimes want to stop one of them and tell him that he must show appreciation for his life as it is so merciful to him that it doesn’t make him a refugee who would be punished if he works or drives!

This life taught me to accept it’s unfairness with patience, it has the ability to do you out of power and be submissive with no objections and all you can do is to wait! It taught me that when it wants to punish you, it makes you waiting for the unknown, and you keep counting the days with that bipolar feeling of time passing slowly and quickly at the same time. Waiting is the hardest lesson that the refugee learn and the only thing that you have the right to do.

I am astonished by the fact that I could cope this period of my life with all that complications I forced to pass through from the day I fled Mosul to the moment. I realized that we are experiencing “ struggling for existence” literally.

What life looks like as a refugee

It is almost three years away from home , almost 1000 days passed and I’m waiting for a guardian angel to wake me up from my dismal nightmare and tell me that it’s over ! 

I’m waiting for a liberator to extricate me from this exile. To make me free; free from hurts, free from pain of "loss "and the pain of " lost"

I’m waiting for that day when I’ll live a normal life, have normal and bearable worries just like other people in the world. I don’t know for how long we have to pay the tax of being born in the land of war,Iraq. How long this will be considered as a stigma that make every country put us on their black lists.

From 2003 ,every day I was having the hope that tomorrow will be better, and I’m still waiting for that tomorrow to come, it must come soon as I’m tired ticking the calendar! I had a narrow escape from Mosul three years ago to find myself here ,in Jordan, as a refugee leaving almost everything behind me to chase it again ; the better tomorrow.

Living as a refugee looks like as your ship has drowned and you clutch to shipwreck to survive and waiting for somebody or something to help you, but you don’t know when it will comes ! It is really a life with endless uphill journey. You have to keep holding hope inside that you will be picked up (saved) in the time you are actually half wet ( dead !)

If I would describe my life as a refugee, I would rather choose “life of prohibition” as it’s title. It resembles a big jail that you put yourself in for no guilt but losing your homeland. It makes you feel that you came from another planet with extra powers that can make you bear this tough life with no rights.I really take pity on myself  when I walk down the streets watching all these busy people working, driving, and see the dissatisfaction on their face, I sometimes want to stop one of them and tell him that he must show appreciation for his life as it is so merciful to him that it doesn’t make him a refugee who would be punished if he works or drives!

This life taught me to accept it’s unfairness with patience, it has the ability to do you out of power and be submissive with no objections and all you can do is to wait! It taught me that when it wants to punish you, it makes you waiting for the unknown, and you keep counting the days with that bipolar feeling of time passing slowly and quickly at the same time. Waiting is the hardest lesson that the refugee learn and the only thing that you have the right to do.

I am astonished by the fact that I could cope this period of my life with all that complications I forced to pass through from the day I fled Mosul to the moment. I realized that we are experiencing “ struggling for existence” literally.

A little bit of talk..

it have been a while since I found myself writing  here.
I am not ok; it seems to me that i am waking up from the shock that followed the tragedy.

Some times I keep asking my self why to be sad. it's true that Three months passed since my brother and nephew were buried, but We in the other hand are just like dead bodies waiting our turn to buried ! the only difference is with the hideousness of being died.

some died after an explosive rocket,

some hang up on the streets Columns

some are hunted by sleeper cell

Some died gradually, cell by cell and nerve by nerve as he sees his dearest place and dearest person gradually pull out from his life, pull out wholly and pull out forever.

the liberation process on the right side of Mosul is going with thousands of blood  being shed with extortion. hundreds of children are on a date to play with my nephew "Anas" in the garden of heaven where peace is doubtless and Justice stand above all.

my other nephew and nieces are almost completely recovered from their physical injuries. but inner injuries are those that can't be seen, can't be healed and painfully last forever. they began to attend school in Erbil after they lost two studying years while Mosul was under the control of ISIS. 

the problem with having all their passports lost in the attack is blocking the chance for me to see them again, to have them between my arms! is one of my dearest dreams. my love and worries about them duplicate after all what they have been going through.

On the other hand; beside needing them because I love them, I need them because I  Am feel so lonely here; I need friends, Jobs and joy to occupy my time, to keep me busy from calling on memories that I don't need to remember. to keep my inner thought calm before it will fire and burn every single hope inside.

I would rather start to talk about my life as a refugee in Jordan in the next posts rather than the suffer of people inside Mosul. I should accept the fact that I have nothing left there except my root that I will certainly love and proud of for the rest of my life.

talk to you later and untill that time;

Pray for Mosul 

Pray for Moslawies

Pray for refugees 

and

Pray for Iraq !

RIP part two

the military pilot get bored, he choose the prettiest house to hit with rockets

It was not clear why did the air coalition force hit the house with rockets ! why this house?why my family house?

we are living in the twenty-first century. the percentage of getting an error in hitting a target must not exceed a 1%.

Many explanations  followed the cascades; the one that I was really believe in is the one that one military officer from Mosul said; the air force intentionally harm the houses (either directly or indirectly) of well known doctors and scientist of Mosul. But looking to the other side; many houses of poor people are being hit with rockets and many bloods are shed without the presence of someone who could carry the appeals on behalf of the victims !

we are living in the world where if you want to take your right; you have to make some noise. we only hear about the victims from doctors because this is who we are and those are who we know !

Few days ago the anti-terrorism device investigate the place where the two rockets fell. they found two corpses of RUSSIAN ISIS under the wreckage of the clinics building !!!!!

So, it seems that ISIS broke the door of the clinical's building that belong also to my family and hide inside without permission but under the eyes of air force ! 

The cause of my nephew and my brother death is the one percentage possibility of error in hitting the target or it might be the unclear image from the above that make two building houses looked like a one !! I don't know if that's possible ! 

I am trying to find an answer. but whether I found it or not. this won't change the fact that two souls belong to my family are being shed unjustly.

the science said that the pain of labor is the second most painful hurt after the pain of being burned alive.but eventually the mother could forget this hurt and pain once she carried her baby !

I wonder what could ever make this mother forget and skip the hurts and pains of losing her child who was burned alive!? - Brain injury maybe !

Beyond losing the husband and son, the house, money and all their identification papers. my sister had two injured children waiting a chance to be treated and more over a broken skull ! how strong should she become to carry out all of this. 

without interring the details; my sister with her children could reach the camp after three days. the medical staff of the camp gave them the right to moved to the medical hospitals in Erbil but yet this is Kurdistan and whether you have something left in Mosul to return back to or not; you have to leave Erbil once you are treated. With this difficulties ; Mam and Dad are trying their best to find a way to get residency permission for their widow daughter and their orphans grandchildren ! 

the previous two week was hard for all of us as a family; beyond all the lost. my old nephew had to do three surgery and yet not able to use his injured leg. My sister is under medical weekly review to exclude the need of brain surgery.

My old niece "Aya" had only minor injuries, she is the only one who didn't need to stay in hospital. My parents were surprised of the way she was acting; she never asked about her brother,sister and her mother while they were in hospital. never talked about what she passed through at that night unlike her brother and sister.
I know Aya very much, I know how much she love her brothers and sister, she is more like their mother despite the fact that there is narrow age difference between them, Mam said that Aya seemed very happy to meet us after all this year and not thinking about anything else!
OR
she might be Escaping the reality, she had enough hurts and fears. she lost her father and her very deer brother and she can't accept the idea of losing anything more! after two weeks of neglecting and acting perfectly normal; she burst into crying.

cry baby cry!
maybe your tears could wash your heart from what drape on it from fears and worries
maybe your tears could irrigate your thirsty soul to meet your loved father and brother.
maybe your tears could return your stolen childhood.
maybe your tears could tell what is hidden inside your heart, your fears that you can't talk about. and your memory that you can't get over .
maybe your tears could strengthen your weakness and give you the power to live, love and smile again!
Cry because you are human;
 because you have a heart
because your emotions should not be hidden and your liberty should not be forbidden.


To be continue

  

RIP my nephew

For the souls of those kids whose life was not as much fair as will be their death

 I am sharing this story of my youngest nephew " Anas " _8 years old.

this is a part of the story that I will write in two parts. this is only part of what my nieces and nephews passed through. one story of many other happened every day in Mosul !

old pictures of all the kids of my sister showing Anas on the left side.

It was the 7th of January:

the Iraqi army began their plan to liberate the neighborhood where was my family house, the house that my parents built in 1982 and where I grow up together with my two sister.

 After my parents fled Mosul in 2014; my big sister with her family ( her husband and four children stayed in that house) the house was adjoining the medical clinics of my father and my brother in law.

the house is located in the main street in front of one of the most important bridge in Mosul. liberating this area was considered as a very good progress and advantageous for Iraqi Army in their war against ISIS.


the coalition air-force was participating in this process, and let us be honest, the neighborhood was liberated faster than anyone could expect. but this victory claimed on the life of many innocent peoples in Mosul/

It was nearby afternoon when all the family of my sister were in the house while the battle was taking place out; I don't know who to blame but the air force was making quick stupid decision in hitting houses just to cause the kill of two ISIS man fighting in the street ahead.

firstly the clinics were hit by rocket and before anyone could take the next breath; another rocket followed hitting the house from the back.
the house fell apart causing a huge destructive in the building of the house. parts of wreckage cause the immediate death of my brother in law,

My sister body was hidden under wreckage and she fainted out after parts of wreckage cause her a skull injury.

My old niece had only small injury as she found herself under the sofa ! that cover her body and save her. my old nephew had very bad injury in the right arm and left leg.


As they all acted non consciously in some part of the story, it was really unclear till now what is the cascades of the events but at some point my old nephew ran despite his injury and saved his little sister who was screaming while burning, in the other hand; the sound of my  little nephew "Anas" was not heard, No one could see him as the fire was extended and the dust and smoke were filling the place. My little niece insisted on seeing him burning in the room where the rocket fell and this later was found true.

Three kids were trapped in the wreckage without any adult with them, the god put power and gave the old boy the strength after he saved his young sister, he walked and searched and found away to escape. he returned back to his sisters and told them that "Mam and Dad died, we must go out before the fire expand to the whole place". in the middle of their cries and conversation, my sister returned back to her conscious, she yelled and moved her hand, the kids saw her and tried to get the wreckage from above her body but they couldn't. The two girls followed their brother and claimed the stairs and when they were in the second floor, they found what they describe as " Skis", part of the second floor was totaly destructive and bend to the floor. the kids found their way out and yelled till the neighbors hurried to them, my nephew led the neighbor to the place of his mother while my two niece were suppose to ran to the neighbor's house; in their way out; a group of ISIS ran towards them taking the little girl and ran to hide somewhere using the girl as human shield, as the neighbor followed my nephew; they could get my sister from the wreckage, and found the body of Anas and hide it from the eyes of my sister..
they went out to see my big niece yelling for her sister and again they challenge the death to survive this family. our neighbor went to where the ISIS hide with my little niece and took her back to her mother !

later; they were all led to our neighbor house. the Army sent ambulance to move them to the hospital but my sister refused as she couldn't accept the idea of leaving the corpses of her son and her husband under the wreckage but the health of all of them were not good. my sister had bloody vomit and my old nephew was screaming from hurt. we could hardly later sent them a car to moved them to a camp and later to a hospital in Erbil where my nephew had three surgery and my niece had one.

The corpses of my nephew, Anas and my brother in law was buried 5 days later as the street was a defensive line between ISIS and the Iraqi army and no one could ever reached the house.

the tragedy of Mosul

We don't get used to something unless; something in us dies.

looking back into what I had before the attack in 2014 and the current situations I am living was so much hard for me especially after the ISIS took my apartment and properties and I left with nothing but a paper certificate my asylum seeker status.

 Few days ago, our neighborhood was liberated and the ISIS ran from my house after taking home furnishing, leaving a boomed car in the garage!, the house get also damaged from the mortars that ISIS were shooting during the battle with Iraqi army. Hearing the latest news regarding this house didn't shed a tear from my eyes! I felt little bother and then what ! drowned people don't fear getting wet.

I am enough from hearing bad news, seeing the painful Images and video of  Mosul and I can't stop watching and following the news hour by hour.

 Do you know how awful it is to examine the faces and inertly pray this is not a person you know !
It's kind of feeling that is taking your heart away but not in the way the love does,Violence took it with pain so you can hear every beat as it is the last long lasting one.

Do you know that people in Mosul start to  buried their victims in their back yards ! painfully knowing certain families ( two family I know) had mortar shelled over them during the funeral !

Once the Iraqi army start it's attack to liberate a neighbor, ISIS in turn start to force people to leave their houses. As I heared from my relative, a man from ISIS entered their house by breaking the main door, wearing booby-trapped band and threatened them to leave with nothing , and also they burn the houses of those who refuses to obey them.
Even when one neighbor is liberated, this doesn't mean that the danger is not exist. Snipers from ISIS sleeper cells are killing men, women and children with no mercy.
ISIS consider any person in neighbor that is not under their control as a person apostate from the Islamic state and that he/she must be killed, Beside the snipers , there is also the randoms mortars towards the neighbor, there are also the boomed cars, and the bombed houses  !

away from all this unbelievable life threatening liberation. People in Mosul waiting the liberation hopelessly. This mean nothing but the fears that filling the hearts of children when they are sheltering their bodies by hiding under stairs is greater than what humanity could serve.


The current situation in Mosul is greater than you could believe. If you hear it, you may say I am over exaggerate in telling it. But as a matter of fact, I am only telling you part of the story as I am after all from Mosul, and I have a close family who are still under the control of ISIS.

you might be shocked knowing that:
- 70% of the liberated areas are extremely destroyed , besides the five bridges connecting the two coasts of the city are now out of service !

- More than 120,000 displaced people from the beginning of the campaign in 16/10/2016 !

- 900 bomb car exploded in Mosul within the last two month ! which is equal to the estimated number of bomb cars that had exploded all over Iraq between 2003-2010 !
- There are no safe roads to escape from Mosul in contrast to what Iraqi government promise.
- Nearly a million of people are now lack of food and water. People in Mosul started to drink rain water and burn their furnishing to get warm !
- the estimated number of civilian victims since the campaign may reach several thousands.
- No humanitarian organization can reach the part of Mosul under the control of ISIS ( 70% of Mosul)
- nearly 150 injured civilians reach Erbil hospitals daily and then they were intimidated either to return to Mosul or go to the miserable Camps where people suffer starvation.





One thing that is bothering me so mush, is why some Arabian news channel is silent against all what is happening, they are not talking about Mosul even in the news ticker !
Why the CNN cover the battle situation and AL Jazeera (famous news channel in middle east) Doesn't !!!
Why Mosul have to fight and suffer alone !!
even the Arabian known humanitarian organization pay no attention to the war in Mosul although the situation there is as bad as that of Aleppo.

can't talk ! Just pray

You can only live your life once. they said :same feelings and cascades can't be lived again.
But as each equations have some variations. I am here with so many Moslawies living our fears, hurts and pain over again and again.

Each moments that we passed through gave us enough time to feel,think and regret.

every second is passing like a week. I need a coma after a day full of chaos and senses.
I need more than a pen to write about my feeling, I need more than a mind to understand them!

I am just feeling that we are part of somebody's else game, a game that I have no desire to play and no ability to watch.

I fled the city of Mosul after 2014 cascades but whether I want this or not; my roots are still there. Each hurts that hit Moslawies, hit me as well. Each shell that killed a military soldier fighting against ISIS and fighting for Mosul is killing me as well.

I can't stop watching news and checking facebook page of # الحرس الوطني 
I can't stop looking for answers to my questions, looking for new news, and most importantly a good news.
After all, I end up with a body that is empty from his soul, counting days and hours till this nightmare end. I don't like to be pessimistic but I can't help being otherwise.

There is always a reality that I am afraid to write about even thought I am still writing posts using pseudonym.



while I am writting this, there are peoples in Mosul so close to my heart, living the fears every seconds!

While I am getting really frighten when my daughter get cold, there are mothers in Mosul having fears about what will happened to their child if they will be bombed, having fears that death is waiting their child and waiting their lovers.

Anyone from us can't put himself in Moslawies shoes these days. Not even me!
As I heared from many relatives who lived through Iraq war with Iran and with Kuwait and Iraq war in 2003. All said that Mosul fall in 2014 was the worst thing that they have ever experience.

Mosul will be liberated at the end but I am wondering of how many lives will be left there !

Stay safe; my family and friends

This too shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone! But it shall pass

with silent I am watching; My city getting hurt !
 Only prayers and rosarys; I resite day and night .
I waited for this libration for so long. Long enough to feel like it might last forever. Today;I am not unable to define which feelings cope the other: fears or the expectancy joy.
 May Allah be with you my relatives and friends.
 Only time seperate us from the end of this game. But we ran out of patient.
 Me and my parents are not talking to each other, everyone is sitting in his own room, sharing his pains and prayers with only God and I can't stand seeing my parents this way. Please time; Go fast!

 يا غارة الله جدي الحل مسرعة
 Mosul is on Allah preservation and protection.
 # الموصل_تتحرر
 #انقذوا_اهل_الموص
#الموصل_طبلها الجيش

Chains that have blooded my wrists.

As far as I knew; this is my married golden cage. As a matter of fact; it used to be mine !
while I am trying to accept the idea that i lost my apartment after ISIS getting control of my belongs and properties. I woke up to the news from one neighbor of us in Mosul,that a family from ISIS are living in what was called  our house !!!!!!!!!!

while I am living this non settlement ; there is a women (ISIS's wife) cooking on my kitchen!
using my own spoons and folks ! sleeping on my bed and spreading her poison everywhere.

For this obtrusive ISIS;

Don't wear my clothes! my wedding dress cost me days to find, don't touch it.
Keep it virgin as it was, pure from violent, hatred and  malignity.

Don't threw out my photo albums !
Pictures are all what left from my past, Don't thrust on my broken heart.
Don't cancel my history, Don't smash my presence..

Don't sit on my sofa, don't sit where I used to think of my plans and dreams.
Don't sit where my plans were stand and where my dreams fear to proceed.

Don't treat on a ground that I used to pray on !
don't distort my Islam with your dirty deeds.




I never felt peace inside that apartment but I am not feeling home without.

The idea of hard work and money saved that my husband did are going now for the serve of one terrorist is killing me !

أن تسأل الدار إن كانت تذكرنا

أم أنها نسيت إذ أهلها رحلوا

أن تسأل السقف هل مازال منتصبًا

فوق الجدار شموخًا رغم ما فعلوا

أم أنها ركعت للأرض ساجدة

تشكو إلى الله في حزن وتبتهل

هيهات يا دار أن تصفو الحياة بنا

ويرجع الجمع بعد النأي مكتمل

لكن روحي ستبقى فيها ساكنة

ما لي بأطمة لا شاة ولا جمل



What justice I am expecting from the world! when the only way to get my revenge from ISIS is to bombard my apartment !

What justice I am expecting from united nation high commissioner for refugees when after more that two year of registration, I get nothing but a printed paper of asylum seeker certificate !
I am fighting my own battle alone and I am feeling hopeless from everyone including myself.

I feel fully tired. Pains are accumulating inside my soul. Past memories passing as a shadow in front of my eyes and giving me nothing except hurt !
There is no hope I can hold and no dream I can catch.

" I can't be seen,
can't be felt,
can't be heard, can't be smelt.
 it lies behind stars and under hills ,
and empty holes it fills."

could your bias allow you to put yourself in my place,
What will you feel if:
Your school and college were bombed,
the hotel where you held your wedding party was erased from the ground.
your house was taken by ISIS and is being lived by some of them !
you find no place to live in peace with your humanity inside your own country,
you fled your country to start living as a refugee in other country that barring your work permission.
you didn't see your sisters for years, didn't heard anything from some of your friend since you had left, some of your relatives are in Mosul and living under the injustice of ISIS and you can't help them !
you have to live away from your husband most of the days during the week.
and you have a toddler that you have to raise as everything is quit normal !

how was that?
stand by my side and share my appeal

Please be with us ...

Mosul now is completely isolated from the outer world , ISIS have prohibited internet connections and threatened to punish any one who would use it . No one can be reached inside Mosul , we no nothing about people there…. how are they ?, what do they eat ? . 2 millions people are stucked there , lacking the basics to survive , suffering starvation and living days full of fears from an unknown future . We are wondering about the fate of those who couldn’t find their way to escape out of the city and forced to live under the wild laws of ISIS , beside every nights episodes of air strikes that are destroying the city.

Day by day , the iraqi forces are getting closer to the south of Mosul  , the fighting now is near al qayyarah ( 300 km north to Baghdad) , many people fled the fighting are now struggling  in the desert with no food ,water and shelter , and the government as usual gives them the cold shoulder!!

United nations reports warn from a disaster in DEBAKAH camp ( near Erbil) , there is no water to drink there and the people use their own clothes as tents under unbearble sun with temperature of 50 degrees!!! Children are sleeping on the sand , pregnant women give birth inside a dirty tent !! . 

People fled to DEBAKAH in response to the government promises that they will be safe and that the government has put good plans to accomodate them but as usual , it abandoned them. Shurqat and Qayyarah are the main cities from which the people fled to Debakah escaping the war. While the total population count is only nearly 160000 , the government and the non govermental or international organizations failed to rescue them ..so how would deal with a big city as Mosul with nearly 2 Millions people !! Again , the government and united nations are giving promises to deal with the crisis but nothing is going to be done!!

Humans in Iraq no longer have any value ! People are killed on daily basis , millions lost their homes and now have nothing to eat , with the world watches in deathly hush! I’d read a post on washington post which touched my feeling deeply , the post had a title  of “The worst isis attack in days is the one the world probably cares least about” referring to the massive explosion at Alkarradah in Baghdad which killed more than 200 people. The author critisized the carelessness of the world toward the crimes in Iraq while it  react aggressively to those everywhere else!!

We don’t deserve all of this , we are also humans and must have our rights . We need to live in peace just like the others.

Mid night escape ... Part 2

June 23,2014 , we arrived at Queen Alia international airport in Amman. We were exhausted after staying awake in the previous night as we had no place to sleep in waiting anxiously for our flight schedule.We went directly toward Ramtha / Irbid where our relative are living. We spent several days catching our breath and thinking what to do next ! we were concered with residency issue .

According to Jordan laws , visitor visa permits to stay in Jordan  for one month , after which a fine is imposed on every person which is about 2 $ per day . A renewable annual residency is approved if we have a deposit of 30000 $ in the bank which is not sensible for us as we left almost everything behind us . We took a rapid decision that we have to register in UNHCR office in Amman so as to get their protection in Jordan .

Early in the next morning we took our passports ,  and all other certificates which prove that we are from Mosul , and went directly to Amman. The system in UNHCR is that you have to take an appointment for the registration interview  before being registered as a refugee.

UNHCR office lies in Khalda / Amman , it is easy to reach as almost all the taxi drivers are familiar with it since the refugees are every where !

When we reached the office , the taxi driver dropped us near a road block and told us to walk through that narrow road to reach the main entrance. At the main getway , there were a firm security check , you should stand in line and wait your turn to enter the door  at which a police officer is standing to ask you a series of questions and then lead you where to go.We waited for our turn in a big lounge then the officer called our number , he was surprised by the fact that we came from Mosul “ you are lucky to flee from there ! “ he said . He gave us an interview appointment just the next day .

Next day , we went there again at dawn . This time , they took us to another lounge and gave us forms to fill it with informations including our story and the causes behind our escape . The hall was over crowded , full of people from different countries mainly from Syria and Iraq , and you can see their dispirited faces while listening eagerly to the speakers to hear their names for the interview . It make you feel sad seeing all that people there , oldmen , women and children who escaped from the war and presecution in their homeland and have no guilt but to be born there. After waiting for along time , they called our names for the interview , they asked as question about our informations we ‘d filled in the forms and then gave us a certificate to prove that we are registered in UNHCR but not yet as refugees . They gave as an appointment date for interview that determine our legitmacy to be “refugees” which was tentatively scheduled after three months. Fortunately , after a week we received a call from UNHCR office telling us that they have rescheduled the date and made it the next day ! This call gave us some hope that the processing of our case is fast and they are considering us as an urgent case ! .

This interview was quiet different , it was even in another building away from the main office , we waited for hours before the time of interview , the waiting hours passed in deathly quiet , the hall was semi empty with several families were sitting and waiting in silence. Then the employee called us and told us that we will be interviewed seperately . You will absolutely feel anxious to death when you see the officer taking you to a seperate room with a recorder in his hand to record your answers , you must be very sure from your answer and honest with every word that you would say. The room was almost empty with only two chairs and desk ! The officer started to ask series of detailed questions regarding our story and you have to answer clearly and without hesitation as it may affect their decicion , what scary moments they were !

After the interview , they asked us to wait for the decision . Six hours of anxitey passed , finally the officer came out and called us “ you are now refugees , you are now protected by UN “ he said and he told us that the next step is “Resettelment in another country “ , but nothing is guaranteed and we have to wait for their call. We are now “ refugees” , that word which means that you are homeless.

The disappointing thing that even if you have the status of refugee , they consider you as illegal recidense and you still have to pay the fine of 2$ per day and the UN only protect you against being kicked out .

Living as a refugee is a matter of sufferance , we are losing hope , we are prohibited to work and we may be fired if we try to find a job . we are almost without any rights. Two years have passed , and we are still waiting for resettlement , no one is giving us a clear answer about it , every time we call them we hear the same answer “ your case is under studying , wait for our call “ , and that phone is still silent for 2 years. We have no other choice but to wait for their mercy , no other country gives visa for refugees and we have lost every thing home !

Please pray for us , pray for the refugees who have no guilt but to be victims of the war.

Mid night escape .... Part 1

It has been two years since Mosul occupation by ISIS . After 5 days of curfew and fighting , 30000 fighters of the iraqi military forces ran away leaving their guns and tanks to be seized by ISIS fighters after which the misery began in june 10 , 2016.

It was 2 A.M , we were frightened and didn’t know what to do , and where to go . ISIS fighters broke into a police station nearby us and burned it , so we made the decision of fleeing as fast as we can as the situation was getting worse and it was unsafe to stay home . We rode the car and pulled a way seeking a safe road to go through . The city was frightful , fire was every where , the streets were full of burned military humvees that the defeated army left behined . 

People were helpless and confused , all of them were seeking for safe place to run toward. We hardly struggled the highway that reach Kurdistan to the north of Mosul . After driving whole the night we hardly reached the checkpoint before Dohuk in the morning . The lines of cars waiting there were endless as there were security prudences and the checkpoint was closed and no one was allowed to pass . Waiting hours near that checkpoint was hard , we weren’t able to think and were shocked by the previous night events ,we were tired and miserable and we could do nothing but to wait for the mercy of the officer in the checkpoint . 

Finally they allowed families to get in but in condition that you left your car and walk . We left the car and walked toward Dohuk , fortunately we found someone who picked up and help us reaching Dohuk. The city is small and it is unable to lodge all that people who fled Mosul , the hotels were almost full and we kept looking for a place to sleep in until we found a small motel , they accepted to give us a small room in return for paying them a high price per night. Several days passed and we did nothing but to watch the news trying to know  what is happening in Mosul ,what are ISIS is planing for  and what is next ? .. Mean while we received a phone call from our supervisor in Al Baaj  health center that we were working in and told us that ISIS presided over the health center and one of their fighters called him and told him that they collect our informations including our adresses and phone numbers and send us a threat either to return to work to treat and attend their injured fighters or they will consider us as resistants and will kill or take the possession on our property in Mosul. We were shocked and frightened being wanted by them and the situation is getting more worse as the local government started to harass the people who entered Dohuk after june , 10 by the issues of sponsors and security checking and prohibited people from leaving their residences , it looked like a house arrest !.

As we have to pay for the motel , we realized that we will be out of pocket soon ! It is no longer possible to stay there , we needed a place that protect us , a place to feel more safe !

At last , we had no choice but to leave Iraq , we applied for visa to Jordan in a travel agency in Dohuk , we were lucky to get  approval as Jordan was inflexible regarding visa issues for Iraqi citizens.

To be contiued….

Rumbling...

Wow; It has been a big change in my life at all aspects and levels since I begin this blog . Well; I guess part two of my diary book will be more enthusiasm and have unexpected events but common to the previous one with no view of the future. I mentioned previously that life can never get worse but day after day during the last ten years of my life; Life surprise me of it's bad wrong orientation, and i reach to the point that I am no longer thinking of how bad it is really ( It can always get worse for Iraqis). I am only praying for bad things not to come. Thinking of my past giving me grief feelings covered with headache and dizziness. It resemble the feeling of looking to the bottom from a height hills while you have to cross to another side. I am now in the middle of this road, I have to cross it without being able to take backward steps, I have to keep my eyes on my feet but those memories in the bottoms are always distract me and give me fears and worries to keep on. .

What an art!! It have been a century since I hold a pen to draw. I am thinking seriously of going back to practice my hobby in drawing since my psychological situation is getting seriously danger and I need something to keep me busy from thinking. I visited all Pharmacist in the neighbor and asked them if they will ever accept me to work with them even without salary but there is no hope as long as there is no working license. OK Ok Ok stop complaining . Let's talk how a 26 ( sooner be 27) refugee mother spend her day ! My daily life are truly completely being control by one and less than a half years old Daughter. My lovely Dima is a funny UN average baby. She learned how to walk but she can't crawl ! She is getting so scared from high sound but at the same time when she cry; all the middle east will hear her sound ! She is in Love with eating everything even shoes but at the same time, she don't eat much food ! She is sensitive, caring and loving daughter as long as her father are here with us. Once he leave; both of us ( me and Dima) get a bad ethics. * Don't get close, we might explode into tears* . For me; marriage is the stability in the middle of mess.  The times I spent married living with my husband are equal  to those we spent far away from each other ! Anyway, thanks God I have my parents near by my side, I reached the point after ISIS attack when I thought that I will never see them again.  My lovely parent's; God protect and save you... I love you ( I know you are reading this!) I am also thankful to god for having  Dima. I was born to be a mother. I love this girl more than my heart can hold from love. I need her more than she need me! just think about it. Who will ever think of waiting me at the door when I am in the bathroom except her!? who will ever wake me up if I forgot to adjust the alarm before i go to bed!? who will ever force me to laugh while i am totally depress.  This girl is a gift from Allah to all of us : me, her father, and my parents.

The distructive liberation

Every day , we wake to news about the libration of Iraqi lands occupied by ISIS and the heavy fighting between the latter and the iraqi army helped by sectarian shiite militia known as “hashid shaaby” supervised by coaliation forces. Evidently the term “ liberation “ seems to be a glorious victory that brings back peace to the people there, but the reality appears to be different . It is just a massive destruction that turn the cities to uninhabitable scraps .

Since April , 2015 ,Tikrit ( a city located 140 km northwest to Baghdad , 220  km southeast to Mosul) was regaind from islamic state fighters after fierce fighting which forced 28,000 civilians to fled out of the city . Regaining Tikrit gave some hope to the displaced people to return back to their homes , but everyone was shocked by retributive vandalism carried out by shia militia groups who took the control on the city and started to burn , destroy and steal the property of the fleet people. After a year from liberating Tikrit , the people, who fled to kurdistan in the north,  are between the hammer and the anvil for being afraid to return to their homes and bearing the harassement of Kurdistan government who tries to compel them to leave kurdistan by refusing the renewal of their residency permission. Targeting unarmed civilians continued in Al Muqdadyiah ( province of Dyalah ) under the pretention of fighting terrorism. 

The government tried to improve it’s public image in Ramadi (108 km west to Baghdad ) as it relied largely on official iraqi armed forces together with  the armed tribes and the coaliation air strikes while constricting the role of “Hashid” militia which incensed Shiites as they consider it a depreciation to them . Again the government mass media tried to glorify the victory , but Ramadi liberation was synonymous with that of Tikrit. Ramadi now is a wild city with completely destructed infra structures , the government reports estimated that about 80% of the city is completely broken up ,  Besides the sleeper cells that come between any chances to bring peace to the city .

The big challenge now is “ Mosul “ ،The second largest city in Iraq with 2 millions people trapped there under the role of ISIS . As opposed to the tribal society of Ramady and to some degree of Tikrit , cultured society of Mosul make things more complicated in terms of arming the tribes belong to the city which in some way was helpful in Ramadi.

Mosul is considered as the stronghold of ISIS fighters and one of the most important resource for them , As a result they won’t give up easily and they will fight desperately in order to keep the city under their control taking the advantage of the high popular density and using them as human shields . The government seems to temporize taking serious steps in liberation of Mosul as well as it insist on participating “ Hashid “ militia despite the troubles they made in Tikrit and other cities. All the factors mentioned above make the liberation of the city more difficult and more complicated which mean that the city may undergo  more massive destruction and shedding a lot of blood in comparision of other cities.

Iraq in general is walking toward the abyss , the government is helpless and have lost a considerable parts of Iraq and hand them over to the strangers . the politicians are busy in filling their pockets and don’t care about the people outside their castles .

Iraq really needs a miracle to survive this period which is the worst period in it’s history.

# Allepo _is _ burning

 unsurprisingly, it is the most trending hashtag on social media at present , all the world appeals for helping blameless people who have no guilt but to be living there, on the land of the bloody war.

No one could believe that the hair-raising scenes shown on TV or the internet are from our real world , the world that call for peace , human rights , and saving people every day. What a wild world we live in today! A world who admit to leave the people at the mercy of bombs and rockets , to close the door in front of any one who want to run for his life , and to enjoy watching them sink in the seas without being affected.

It was  shocking to watch the debris of the  destroyed buildings heaped over injured or even dead victims، blood rivers flow everywhere , and crying children looking for their lost families !

Between the depressing pictures concerning Aleppo crisis which spreaded on the net was that one of the frightened old man , raising his finger toward the sky  with blood and dust covering his face . It really breaks the heart seeing such an old man in such a miserable state . Almost all the facebook pages published his picture to show how hard and disastrous the situation is in Aleppo , but do you know what? The picture was taken in Mosul !! Yes,  It was taken in that day when Mosul university is pounded . Mosul is being destroyed too , every day tens of rockets are thrown on the city but no one knows ! Mosul is as miserable as Aleppo but no one hears about it. I don’t reproach publishers , but I want to send a message that Mosul also needs help , it also lives the same drama of killing , bombing  , and forcible displacement as that of Aleppo.

The problem in Mosul that it lacks the media coverage , the city is isolated from it’s surroundings , No one could go into or get out of it . Besides the daily air strikes that burn the city every day . Most of people now are out of pocket , distitute of their basic needs , helpless , and wonder how to survive next days which appear to be more complicated as the air strikes on the city become more violent every day .

Mosul really needs your urgent help , even by your prayers , it doesn’t deserve all that torture it going through..

We ask God to be merciful on Mosul , Aleppo ,and all the innocent people who just want to live in peace in their home.

ودمروا كل اشيائي الحبيباتي…

Don't destroy my Memories, Places,Houses, Mosques and university. They Fire a flame in my heart, a flame that can't faint out with days. No words can turn it back nor consol my sadness for this big loss. They destroyed My university/ Mosul university. Air strike targeted ISIS at University of Mosul and Destroyed it. Looking at the negative side: This is the place where i first met my husband and where we fell in love with each other. the place where i learned and studies for five amazing un forgettable years. The place where my success firstly tasted and hurtly left me after flees. With everytime i just remember the video i saw of the boobs hitting my university, i fell in a deepe and deepe depression. with you i will share this graduation photo of me
at my college: Mosul pharmacy college/ University of Mosul/ Iraq

East or West; OUTSIDE Iraq is the best

In a sudden; they left
with toddler hesitated steps, they crawled
their moves were done with silence,
And their destination were to anywhere.

Some readers asked me why i didn't choose another Iraqi city to live in after fleeing my hometown

First of all during the day of all this rubbish happened, the whole thing was not an optional for us. we fled to where the road took us. Duhok was the nearest safe place to us.We were accompanied with our Kurdi neighbor who could sponsor us to get into Duhok city.

Yes, it's true that Duhok is an Iraqi city but yet so far we can't get into it without being checked by eye prints and giving full ID name and picture. This is done for each Arabian Iraqi person trying to enter it's border before the fall of Mosul even happened !

And after the fall of Mosul the things were pretty much harder. without having a sponsor Kurdi inside Duhok, you have no right to enter the city. 

Peoples who didn't have sponsor were left out the border, later were moved into a camps. 

Staying in Duhok was hard and illegally possible.Even with the aid of our sponsor we couldn't get un limited residency time there. 

Fleeing into Baghdad was even worse option. althought I have my grandpa's house there but the house is empty from it's owners. I visited Baghdad in may 2013 for 3 hours only and I left in the same day because it was so danger to stay with all fake checkpoints in Baghdad to filter Sunni's people.I visited Baghdad one other time on February 2014 when I chose to travel by airplane since it is no longer safe road for Sunni Iraqi to get into Baghdad. During this visit I didn't talk a world with the people in the streets because I have pure Moslawi accent that can't be missed. I returned back as soon as I finished my work there.

Moreover Baghdad followed the steps of Kurdistan and didn't allow Moslawies after june 2014 to enter without having a sponsor !!! 

To be more honest:
If you are Sunni Moslawi :
There is no place for you to live in Iraq anymore.

Those who choose to stay; they beard the high rent prices, high cost of living in Kurdistan and the bad treatment in police station to get the security permission to stay in kurdistan for one month. Those people are:
1- Either not having passport or didn't get a visa to go to other place
2- or their children have to finish  their college in Kirkuk or Erbil.

In my case; i was lucky to have visa to Jordan since i have a Jordanian sibling and i was more lucky to have a great high license in Pharmacy but luck didn't help me In Jordan since i am restricted with Jordan's laws that prohibit me from practicing my work, restricted my residency with fees (2$ for person a day) even if i was counted with refugees under UNHCR protection.

At the end; i reach to a conviction that there is no Moslawi comfortable with his situation and we are all chasing our dreams and being chased by ISIS curse.

can anybody help us? PLEASE

What days will bring to Mosul !?

This is part two of "Mosul in my heart and in my heart it will be kept safe"
                   * Moslawies = Mosul's residence

We nearly stopped hearing news of Mosul from our relatives in Mosul. Whenever we asked them about the situation,their answers keep with hints and they tried to change the subject!

-Don't use your last name on facebook!  -Aha Ok
-Don't tag us to any news concerning Mosul !  -  I understand
-Don't mention their name * you know who* on your speak or letters to us.  - I won't
-Don't like or share Posts about explosions or news of Mosul.            - !!!!!
And -Don't let us complain about life under their state.                       - :(

And Don't ... Don't ...Don't
Don't what!?
 Don't remember your origin? Don't remember your beloved?
Don't write! I must sit!? watching?

أ ينام الليل من سرقوا بلاده !؟

In respond to all their guidance; All I ask:
- Don't Die ! and if it is possible just keep safe!


 I can feel the distance between us get wider. I don't like this,
 It's hurting me not writing to them and not writing about them!.

Mosul in my heart and in  my prayers and it will always be kept safe there to where it belong.

Rumors trading a week ago between peoples and in the news that there is a curfew in Mosul, ISIS started leaving their stations and the liberation war are on the doors!  unfortunately; nothing from that ever happened. From the fall of Mosul on 2014 the government said there is a liberation plan on the doors. Same lies are being tell every month. Mosul get nothing from Iraqi government except cut the road into and out of the city, stop the salary of people inside. Not caring about what Moslawies will have left at the end.

The Government saying lies to make their face innocent in-front of the worlds.
Moslawies people inside Mosul and out side it didn't taste the sleep one and a half years ago and again
 !?أ ينام الليل من سرقوا بلاده


There are always a late evening party in Mosul! That's what my relatives said to reach out the idea that there are shelling on Mosul.

People in Mosul are asked ( by you know who) to collect and save their identification and properties' papers on file and save copy on CD's_this put Moslawies afraid that there will be a mandatory exodus.
Moslawies ( people in Mosul) are aware that there will be a bloody battle in order to liberate Mosul. But For them they have nothing to lose. The city is already destroyed and free from souls. And those persons walking on the streets are either ghosts from ISIS or shades from Moslawies overwhelmed on themselves.

when the warriors didn't lift his sword:
Orphans slept in the streets,
The child didn't born in it's country of nation.
The bride didn't wear her white dress,

The city turned into a jungle.

and The mouth kept thirsty from calling for rescue.. 

And the worlds, Shame on the worlds who forget Mosul and forget Moslawies.

At the end: I have a promise for my city that I had been living in:
     
You will live inside me forever, Mosul is in my heart and in my Moslawie heart I will keep it safe.


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Contact me on : hnk1989@gmail.com

Mosul is in my heart and in my heart will be kept save

firstly on my early days in blogging i were writing about politics. i wrote many of my opinions that were proven to be incorrect and many of my thoughts that were changed in respond to my whole life events.
 For example; I regret writing badly about Sadam because for me as 26 Iraqi person: i never knew a president before him nor a person worth to hold the term( President) followed after Sadam.
 I regret my appeal for American soldiers to leave Iraq since those came after from Shia's sectarian Army, SWAT and ISIS were worse and worse and worse.
I regret cursing my life when i had family, home, and Jobe ! And most of all;
i regret not leaving Iraq earlier by my choice not like the way i fled; frighten, sacrificing and completly lost !
 I promised not to write again about politics but after all, i must change my mind temporary and writing about politics,hoping this won't cost me my life ! i will write about what are hidden from news that people around the world don't know. things that are going on in Mosul that no body hear of!
 The ISIS Attack to Syria took a wide, extensive area in the media and Mosul's attack took a little! i feel shocked when i met people here in Jordan don't have an Idea that ISIS really attack Mosul!! yes i am serious. many of them don't know that.
I am an example of people who give up listening to news 10 years ago but after the events in 2014 i felt i have to know everything and in urgent! but that's didn't work. it seems that no body is understanding what is going on. the whole things goes as scenario of a pre-drawn plan to divide Iraq! or to erase Mosul from map maybe!
 The first crimes of ISIS in Mosul was exploding many of BOTH churches AND Mosques. exploding historical monuments followed after.The militarian aviation from the other side are shelling large building of the government and universities in their believe that ISIS's soldiers are living there.
what's really happen is that many shelling killed many inoscent Mosul's residents and that ISIS knows prior to the begin of the shelling the possibility of being hit and so they leave the areas!


In addition to all that; Mosul's dam are now subject to collapse !  Mosul residents are now between the devil (ISIS) and the deep blue river crises .

Mosul's residence who didn't fled are divided into groups:

1- Those didn't fled because they were ill or elderly ( yes; for me as a person who fled Mosul: we all had to leave the car somewhere and walk on our feet for a large distance and i was lucky that i didn't slept on the streets like some)

2- Those who didn't believe that NO ACTION will be made. The country of neanderthal? Sumerian and Asur's culture don't have army to stand against few hundreds of extraneous terrorist group!
*the most painful point is that sectarian's army that ran from Mosul with the first few hours from the attack were paid monies enough to raise a state budget*

3- Those that their love to Mosul stand against their fears ( Die with Dignity take over the humiliating life). As a Moslawi refugee i can tell : yes it's humiliating to have no country!

 Those three groups are now suffering from not only the absence of water most of the days but also from the lack of salary income and shortage of some food stuff and the absence of other except those locally manufactured.

Those groups of people are stuck in the hell that was ignited one and a half year ago. They can't go out of Mosul nor anyone can send helping stuffs or money to them. we can't call them! nor can hear their real stories on the internet social media as I heard that ISIS impose severe control on the internet connection and those who wrote against ISIS were executed.

 In the end of this post; all what i have left to say is a quote from a poet:
" I was exiled from my coountry and the strangers settled instead And destroyed all my beloved things"

Readers who are interested:
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Contact me on : hnk1989@gmail.com