Sunday, June 11, 2006

Never Found it

My birthday was before 7 days and I didn't find time to write about that since then. So...
My birthday was not a good day. Well, maybe it was the worse birthday I have ever got. There wasn't a birthday party or a birthday cake or any sweets that I didn't even brush my teeth before I went to bed.

Am I feeling happy with the ( seventeen years old) following my age?
NOT AT ALL.

It's a miserable feeling. I always want the time to go on faster and I always want the year to run fast as much it possible. But when I saw that the year is really passed and there is nothing changes in the reality situation, I felt so much angry and so much guilty.
I feel guilty when I smile because the smile became something UN usual in our interim life and because I know that in this moment the life of many families are destroyed. Many kids are losing their parents and many wives became windows.
I feel guilty because I must feel guilty because I must not shut my mouth and watch the horrible movie became alive. I feel guilty because I have already accepted to live and act in this movie. I feel guilty because on my past life I thought that this problem will solve on play part in this movie.
I feel guilty because I am guilty...

before few days Najma asked me why I was look sad, she said " if you will cry, don't answer"
Well, I didn't.
She asked " Do you want to go out of
Iraq?"
My really option and my only choice is I want to stay in
Iraq. I want to stay in. I want to see it shinning again. I am not sure that I will, but I am sure that I will stay on it and shining ;(


Good bye

I will take pictures and post it tomorrow...

9 comments:

David said...

I am sorry to hear that you did not enjoy your birthday! How can it be that you didn't even have a delicious cake?

About your feeling unhappy and guilty, I can understand that sort of feeling. When I was your age, I really felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. There were so many things that I wished were different and better. However, it is not easy to live that way. Eventually, I learned to focus on the things that I could control and try not to worry too much about the rest. In time, I hope that you will learn the same thing. Of course, I hope that Iraq will shine again some day, too!

programmer craig said...

Happy 17, hnk. It's a good age, even though it may not seem so :)

Libby said...

Oh hnk. You sound sad. If I had a magic carpet, I would send it to you. Then we could meet somewhere beautiful and have a party with yummy food and birthday presents and happiness.

You are NOT guilty but I understand why you feel that way. It's because you're a good person and the sadness around you makes you upset.

I am looking forward to seeing your new pictures.

Anonymous said...

Happy 17th birthday. If I was there I would bake you a big cake. We probaly couldn't eat it though cause I can't cook. HA! Happy birthday anyway and try not to feel guilty cause you have nothing to feel guilty about. You are a good person.

olivebranch said...

Hey HNK- let me just tell you this:

as long as you stay in Iraq and keep shining their will always be hope in your country.

For as long as you can stay so determined to remain and be strong- then others will follow your example.

You are a strong girl and I can't believe what you must go through sometimes. I know you family does not understand how sad you are always; but they will always be there and will always feel better when you show your strength and pride.

One day when Iraq is more safe; and I don't say one day like in fantasy books I mean within 10 years; I will come to Iraq with many people, hundreds of people. We will have equiptment and time to help people, we will pick up the empty bullets covered in Depleted Uranium one by one.

And we will help your hospitals get the equiptment they need to treat the cancer and other illnesses.

If you and your people can stick it out long enough; myself and others will come to help you. When we can.

EdoRiver said...

Hnk,
It is written in a book I own, that there are 7 valleys a sincere seeker much go through on the way to finding what your heart truly desires:
The first is the valley of search. And the steed of this valley is patience.Without patience the traveler will reach no where and attain no goal.

So, I have read this small book many, many times, and often I think I am still in the valley of search ;-) That feels depressing because I am much older than you ;-) However there are no short cuts. If we can't be patient, we can't get out of the valley of search. But don't worry you will never be lonely in this valley, alot of humanity is stuck here too ;-)

Anonymous said...

My personal belief is that until there is cake and ice cream, you're birthday is not over and you're entitled to special treatment as the birthday girl until someone produces a cake! I've had this happen. Demand your birthday rights. Until someone sticks a candle in a cake, you're birthday is not over, and you don't have to do chores;)

And my birthday wish for you is that next year's birthday results in a party where everyone can come and stay late because there's no need for curfews.

I'd say "happy belated birthday wishes", but since there has been no cake, it's still your birthday.
So HAPPY BIRTHDAY HNK!!!

deenda said...

happy b'day Sadeeqaty
nice to read your blog :)

Mary Ellen from Oregon said...

Hi HNK,
I am sorry that you didn't enjoy your birthday, but look at it from a positive point of view, your parents and siblings are alive and so are you. I know that things are awful in Iraq these days, but please remember that nothing lasts forever and nothing is constant but change. It may take awhile but things will change in Iraq. Meanwhile hang in there and enjoy your many cool presents, especially the mp3 player - I have an iPod myself and I LOVE IT :-) May Allah bless you and keep you safe from all harm.

Best Regards,
Mary Ellen