Saturday, July 08, 2006

Fighting to keep alive

I know it have been so long since I wrote my last post, I know you were worried about me, and I also know that you are sorry about what is going on in Iraq.I know all that just because I heard it over and over again till I wear your shoes and forgot that I am the one who is living this life, till I felt that I am sorry for me, my poor wounded soul.
I wish the reason of not writing a new post that I was busy with my lessons, or I was busy with Aya and Ayman. But it's not. Right now I concider myself half human.
All days are the same, it just like the other days.. repeating itself, Woke up early, took my breakfast and study and study and study till my course's time came,after that I'll go to have it and then get back and study AGAIN.
the Same program is running in my life and I accept it if that doesn't mean the killing, bombing and stealing will go on too.
I spent a very bad and hard days since I wrote my last post.The situations is deteriorating rapidly, I don't know from where I should start, many things happened I can't number them. but here are some examples:

My dad went to his work with my sister, Aya was with them in the car, and my dad was driving when they heard the sound of few bullets towards the soldiers' tank.
the tanks was infront of my father's car in the other direction of the road. My father's car was not the only car there. Anyway after the shooting stop. The soldiers got crazy as they always did. They ordered the people who sit inside the cars to get out and put their hand on their head as the soldiers' order. The soldiers throw out everything from my father's pocket. My father asked the soldiers to send Aya and her mother to the car because it was too hot. They didn't even try to listen to him,they shouted loudly and didn't accept to hear a word. In the moment the Iraqi police told my sister that she can go to the car and she have to keep the doors open.
My sister sat on the car with my little niece Aya who was shouting for getting my father back, crying probobly because she was thirsty. My sister fear to move her hand and open her bag and get the water from it, you don't guess the soldiers reaction about that. She stayed in her place thinking of my father, what is he thinking on that moment, what is he feeling, is he thirsty, she was worried about his state because my father had a hard attack and it's not good for normal people to be in that situation so what about a 60-year-old man. She was cursing them silently. What a humiliation to a respectful man .
The situation continued for an hour and a half but for some people like my sister it seems like a year. When he returned back to the home, Dad said nothing at all, my sister said "you didn't know what happened to us today!" my father said "nothing". She told the story and my father didn't comment, trying not to make us worried, picking the glass and drinking the water as he always do.
It just needs a strong man like my father to forget it, I am not a man and I am not strong. When the danger is around me, my family or around my friend I can't sit watching. It's not war against Sadam or against the terror only; it's a war against us, it's a psychological war.
To live or not to live this is the question.

Bye bye peace of mind, see you in heaven: maybe
Note: I will write the update soon, I just write one from many.


Anonymous said...

I read your words and I broke inside. You are such a gifted young girl---in the middle of a terrible situation and I admire you for being able to write about how you feel. You are your own therapist---people here pay thousands of dollars to go to a psychiatrist to make them feel better or to make them handle their problems better---but you---you heal yourself by writing how you feel. You are truly an inspiration to me--I will never know you or meet you but I love you with all my heart. You are a shining star in the midst of darkness and please, please don't put the light out!! God has a great purpose for you---I think when I read your writing that you know this too. You are wise beyond your years. I am ashamed for everything I complain about now--conpared to you---there is nothing for anyone to complain about--and yet--you keep going--keep writing and keep your chin up. Please know that there are people out here that pray for you daily and love you and your spirit. I wanted to find words of wisdom to lift you up but I realize now that you do that yourself by pouring out your heart and soul in your blogs. Keep up the good work and God Bless you.

Lisa b

David said...

Hnk, I am sorry that your father, sister, and Aya were treated so badly! I and many other Americans believe that it is time for our soldiers to begin to leave Iraq. In November, there will be an election in the U.S. If many Republicans (George Bush's political party) are defeated, then maybe the U.S. troops will start to come home. I hope it will be so!

For the present time, remember that you have many friends who care about you!

EdoRiver said...

I understand your father's mind, perhaps. There is alot we must swallow. We must all keep our minds, our hearts, our spirits focused on what is truly important. Don't be distracted.
Yes, it is easy for me to say living here in Japan. Yes it is also easy for Americans living in their safe, compared to Iraq, comfortable country. But, gradually we are learning to be knit together more closely than before. I would be truly angry if anything happens to you or your relatives or your family...but there are other innocent Iraqi citizens who are hurt and I don't know their existence, except on Juan Cole's blog as a number who died today. They don't deserve any less of our feelings for their condition than you or even our own lives. there is no boundary, except in our hearts. There we draw, arbitrary boundaries, just as we draw them on the earth, in the dust.

Stay focused, your study is what is preparing you for your future, as well as your prayers, don't forget them either. Do whatever you can, and leave the rest up to Allah/God/kami-sama. No one knows what our destiny will be tomorrow.

Libby said...

You're right,hnk. You understand how your Internet friends feel about you. It must be difficult reading,"We're sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry". It must be hard to write posts about how you feel when you know we'd like to read something happy and there isn't anything happy.
Remember, I will always look foreword to hearing what you have to say. Happy, bored, sad and sadder, just keep writing.
ps........if NOTHING else, you're English keeps getting better and better. :)

Simcha said...

"Right now I consider myself half human" is what struck me the most in your post. Let me suggest this: If - but not only if - you are able to put your situation into words that the rest of humanity is able to understand, as you do so honestly and accurately, you are still completely and one hundred percent human. You are not half human; in fact, you are one of the most human humans in the Iraq situation, I think. So keep blogging, it is very important. Good luck!

programmer craig said...

That which does not kill you will only make you stronger.

---Friedrich Nietzsche from "Thus Spoke Zarathustra"

This is a very wise saying that is sometimes ridiculed by people who don't understand that there is more than one kind of death. Don't die, my dear. Be strong, and you will become stronger.

Anonymous said...

HNK, what you are experiencing must be one of the hardest things for anybody to experience. Especially when one's family is in danger.Try to take strength from your father. I know this is easy for me to say since I am not living there but what you have to say about Iraq is far more important than any TV news show or newspaper. What you say comes from the heart. Please stay strong and know that many people care for you and your family.

olivebranch said...

how many people will say "sorry" to you this time?

I guess they also feel guilt for they did not take the action necessary to stop this happening.

So what do we do now instead of saying sorry. We look to Iraqi bloggers for direction and we need some help to decide what to do...

I am trying to get many Iraqi's together @ the Olivebranch Network to see if I can find what they all commonly support and what their various ideas are.

I am sure between all your brilliant minds we can find some ways to help some Iraqi's.

stay safe my dear...


Janice said...

What has the world come to? Your Dad can't even drive down the street is his own city :(

EdoRiver said...

Hi Hnk,
I sent a letter to your sister.
Have you heard why Treasure isn't posting?

Anonymous said...

"they heard the sound of few bullets towards the soldiers' tank."

Can we place any blame at all on those who fired those bullets?

Musclemouth said...

I am really fucking pissed. I want to hurt the men who made this all happen. They have created chaos in your country, and now I want to create chaos on their faces. HNK, Allah bless you a million times and more. You don't know me, but yes you do. I'm just a person. We all know each other. The fact that you're reaching out - that is how you will find life meangingful. Keep reaching out, keep reaching out, keep reaching out. Always and forever.

JLynn said...

You must keep going and reaching for your future. I feel that you have a special link to us all. I hate that you live in fear and chaos daily...I know it may make no difference but I wish I could take your place. I am sure all Americans look evil right now..but many of us hate what is going on and only want you to live in a safe and supportive world.

Cathy Dadson said...

This is the first blog I have ever read. I did a random search for information about The Prophet Mohammed and I came up with a result for your blog. I think you should know that. It seems very special that your blog came up when I tried to search for The Prophet.

Are you ok? I see it has been a few weeks since your last post.

I am in Canada. I am a white middle aged woman who is just learning about Islam. I recently went to a Mosque with my friend from Pakistan who lives here now. The only things I see about Iraq comes to me on the tv via CNN (usa) or CTV (Canada) news.

Lately, the news has stopped reporting on Iraq and is now focused on showing the war going on between Labanon and Israel.

The news on tv is like that here in the west. Out with the old news, in with the "Breaking News". I hate to have to tell you that as I know it sounds uncaring. The news on tv is very uncaring.

But you are real...and you are very caring. That is why you are so important to the world. You must continue to write and tell the world what is happening to you and your family. Find people who will link your blog to their site and talk about you with their families and friends (I already have and will continue to do so)

Most importantly - live. I think your destiny is very important even if you don't feel like it is.

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