Friday, February 29, 2008

I confess

I confess,

That I just ran from the living room where my family are hearing news now.

I confess,

That sometimes, it’s better for you not knowing about things, even if that’s things are related to you. Sometimes it’s better for you not to know what is going on, because what is going on is still going on.

I confess,

That this month was one of the worse in my life, and I am glad that it’s end.

I confess,

That I really studied hard through this course and when the exams were on the door I was completely tired

I confess,

That even this tireness didn’t stop me to stay awake during the night and study hard for those exams.

I confess,

That I did well in the exams but I didn’t do the better I could. I didn’t get what I seek. My marks will not be the marks I was looking for.

I confess,

That I am not from that part of persons who are satisfied with the little they get.

I confess,

I want everything, every dream to come true and every inch of it to be a real.

I confess

If I will not be one of the first 10 students on my class, something really terrible will happen to me.

I confess,

That I feel lonely, that kind of feeling resemble to not even be sure that I am existing.

I confess,

That may be result from being alone with books for 2 weeks of exams.


I confess,

That I will start my second course in Pharmacy College next week.

I am hopping,

That I will be a better student this time.

I confess,

That I like the college without frog and without biology lectures

I confess,

That the professor who was giving us biology lesson made the cells of my body crying for help.

I confess,

That is the professor responsibility to make us love or hate the subject we are studying.

I confess,

That being a professor in Pharmacy College is what I am looking for, and it’s can’t be caught without being one of the first 5 students on the class.

I confess,

That the horrible situation in Mosul beside all the disturb we passed through, lead the dean of our college with no choice left but to take our exams (both mid-course and final on the same day).

No need even to mention

That It was terrible to be in the exam’s room for four and a half hour.

Not surprising,

That some students gave their answering papers not because they have finished answering them but for the fact that if they spent another moment inside that curse, dark, cold room, a really big explosion will be heard in Mosul.

I confess,

It’s a hard life for person who thinks the life is hard.

I confess,

That the silent is filling my life, even the fact’s it’s full of bombs.

I confess,

I hate glasses, and I am wearing glasses recently and I just don’t feel comfort with it nor without it.

I confess,

I feel so silly sometimes, because I leave all the horrible things that are happening around me and wine for the little things that don’t deserve to be mention.

I confess,

That my sister expects her baby to born this month.

I confess,

That I feel that my sister is the devil itself to think of having a baby in this situation.

I confess,

I laugh a lot for the note that say” the sooner you die, the longer you’ll be died”

I don’t blame,

The professor of anatomy if he gives me a low score in the exams

I confess,

That he shows me a picture and asked me what is that?

I answered that – it’s a hand, and this is carpal and those are metacarpal and phalanges.

I confess,

I received a big chock when he said “All what you said is right in case it was really a hand…..

Well, it’s a foot in fact”

I confess,

That I gave him a wild smile of a foolish girl, and I just left the room as fast as .

I confess,

There is something wrong with me.

I confess that,

The administer of the exam asked me if I am a 4th year student, I answered him that I am a 2nd year student. After a while I woke up for the fact that I am in my first year of studying.

I confess,

It’s not the glass that will help me to see things clearly; it’s something I don’t know.

Can some body help me?

14 comments:

Average American said...

Dear HNK:

You are being way to hard on yourself. Living with the circumstances that you do, it is a miracle that any of you are still sane. I have been through a war, not this one, so I have a real good idea what it's like. We on the outside looking in really appreciate reading what you and many others have to say about Iraq. Look for the bright side of things, there is always a bright side if you look hard enough. As an example, you probably won't have to dissect any more frogs!! Ever!! And I bet you look great in glasses and eventually you will see that too. May God be with you and your loved ones!

Joe from New Hampshire

David said...

Dear Hnk, I wish there was something I could do to help, but aside from writing to you there is not much else that I can offer.

It sounds like you have been studying hard and even if your grades aren't the best, I am sure that your marks will be high. At least you will have no more frogs in the biology class. ;)

So, you just now got glasses? I got my first pair of glasses when I was 8 years old! Now my glasses are so thick that my eyes look very tiny through them. Usually though, I don't wear glasses, I wear contact lenses. I was so happy to have my first contacts back when I was in high school. It was so much easier to play at sports without having glasses on!

Take care and please don't give up! Your friends care about you and want you to do well.

steen said...

Oi! Hnk! Don't be so hard on yourself! Pleeeeaase! Don't hate frogs so much - they are in fact very tasty. Don't hate biology - even weeds are pretty and try hard. Don't worry about wearing glasses - be grateful for them.

Look at your achievements - no matter how small. Every little step you take in your circumstances is a leap for us.

Love yourself, just a little can't you? If you won't do it for you, do it for me! (bad joke...)

Steve Newton said...

I'm really glad you're back. The last post had me worried. I teach at a university in the US and this post really touched me, because it could have been written by many of my students.

None of the things that you write about that are external to you are in your power to change right now (maybe never).

But YOU will change and grow.

And I once made exactly the same mistake on an anatomy exam, confusing the hand and foot.

My professor was not so charitable as yours.

John said...

I am so sorry that things are so hard for Mosul and for you right now. I really believe in you. Please be gentle with yourself even though you are so tired and sleepy that sometimes you make mistakes. Lots of people around the world care about you and are praying for you and all your family. You are already a success and you're going to be a BIG success.
Best wishes and a prayer from one of your many fans.

John said...

P.S. It's just my opinion but I don't think there's something wrong with you, except that you're tired, and have lots of stress because of the terrible things happening, and you judge yourself too harshly. You kind of remind me of myself in school -- although I had the good fortune to be able to go through it without bombs going off around me -- it took me a while to realize that I could make a lot of mistakes and still do very well, and that I didn't have to do everything at once. For a while I had the idea that the more caffeine I drank, the less I needed to sleep and the more I could do -- but then I started feeling really poorly and had to relax. In earlier years of school the tasks were easier and so of course you made less mistakes. But I think you're very well qualified and will do fine as long as you try to eat well and rest. I'll be praying for you, and for your sister who has to give birth under these frightening conditions.

P.S. I used to have nightmares for years about my French teacher asking me questions. Finally I said (in my dream), "Hey, what are you doing in my house at two o'clock in the morning anyway? I don't have to answer your questions unless I'm in school." He realized he was in the wrong, and he disappeared in a cloud of bubbles and never returned. It was a really interesting dream.

Anonymous said...

Hnk, you have a right to feel sad but you have a lot to be proud of too. You write really well and you're obviously really ambitious and intelligent.

Horizon said...

Dear HNK

I am very happy that you are back again. I ask Allah that you will be the first in your class.

But what I want to tell you is that to keep away the negative sentences such as "My marks will not be the marks I was looking for".

Instead of these sentences program your mind in positive way "I am creative student, easy to get A in all the subjects" and so on.

Be OPTIMISTIC.

Regards
Horizon

Anonymous said...

Dear HNK,

I really enjoy your blog. Your feelings come through very clearly in your writings. I am very sorry that there is a war. I am a mother of teenage and college age children, and I can't imagine what it is like being a mother in such a time, as your mother is.

Anyway, college is very stressful, even without such a situation. Take care of yourself! Best wishes on your next term. Your goal of being a professor is quite admirable.

Wasaski said...

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but after hardship, will come ease. You are in a situation that many people have never experienced, and just the very fact that you are able to keep this blog up is a testament to your strength. So please just keep striving and don't be too hard on yourself :)

John said...

Thinking of you HNK -- hope you're feeling well

Little Penguin said...

Can I make a confession?

ok.. here goes..

I confess.. that even though my exams are in about a month, I can't study because I keep thinking of different ways to get better and get richer and become more powerful so that people pay attention to what I say and I tell Muqtada to piss off and spare you and your family some trouble..

I confess.. that I will pray for you (even though I don't know your name) when I go to bed in a bit..

I confess.. that I'll come back for another visit..

Take care and stay well 3azeezti..

Regards

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