memories erase

This is what I need really, those pictures in my head is torturing me

Pictures from the past, past enough to be in Iraq but not that much to be in peace since that happened loooong long ago and had been removed with crowds.

Pictures that I want to forget are not miserable to be sad about, not even regrettable to take lessons from.

Those that remain here in my head are those attached with heart, those that shedding down my tears everynight.they are the sounds of family gathering in Eids greeting  and relieving each other's grief. The laughs of my nieces and my nephews , Oh I missed them to death

They are the hand of friend that used to pull off my tears and make me able to overcome my problems. The hand of  "Noor"  that still pulling off my tears but only in dreams.

They are my old life routines, but they are not boring to me now !

it is my early awake to go to my job in Hospital, My JOB oh God I miss working and gaining money and shopping with my own money and having my own 

money L

I missed my small apartment, I won't say it's so small anymore. I miss my bedroom , it was as white as we need our life to be.

I miss my private pharmacy, I don't know why I am crying when I am writing about it, I only opened it for 20 days and then ISIS came and my efforts and my husband tiredness gone in vain .

It was our mutual goal. It was the pharmacy of my dream, isn't it what every pharmacist dream ?

I miss counting the days down till my parent's day visit come and go there to spend the very few hour before my husband came to take me off because it is not safe to be out of house after 8 pm !!?

I miss watching movies with my husband although the electricity may turn off and you may lose the interest in completing the rest of it in the next day!

I miss streets, although they are always closed, always crowded and always risky !

I miss Mosul biggest and oldest  Mosque " Jami al nabi younis" although I only entered it twice, but it was the blessed that gone when  ISIS attacked the city

After all, things I miss are mostly changed

Most of, are not worthy to feel sorry about

 But every little details of them living with me, hurting me from the inside and that's maybe why I have no intent to return back to where those memories came from. And I have no wish to live them again.

SOS "Save Our Souls"

"Sometimes you don't want to know the end,because how could the end be happy? how could you as a person turn back to the one you was when so much bad had happened!!
how could I laugh again when I gave up smilling for months!
How could I start a life when my own one was taken off by an ISIS in a sudden?!
How could I stand up on my feet again when everything I was working for: my license as a pharmacist, my car , my pharmacy and my small apartment went with our lost's Mosul ?
how could I live "motherhood" with a Mom living under the ISIS abuse!
How  could I give my expected baby a "life" from a died soul !
How could I gave her "peace" when I was living my fears !
And how could I be her home when I don't have a home !

yes, i was so afraid. I was feeling so empty inside when in fact I had a " baby girl" inside !!
But in the other hand I was busy counting days down and waiting . I was waithing for a change since I was in the middle of dead sea and things no matter how bad they goes; they can't be worse.

In the middle of that dark and long nights; my parents with my old, sick grandmother successfully ran away from the occupied Mosul and came to Jordan through a very dangerous road.

My parents being next beside me helped me so much but not enough to complete my pregnancy period.When I was on my 36 week of pregnancy, "Dima" my daughter was born through caesarean section on 21 of January 2015.I felt so blessed to have her safe as I have been told before the surgery that I lost the baby.

She was 1900 Gr(4 pound) in weight , she looked tiny and weak but luckily was healthy. Raising her up to this day was so much hard because of turbulent situations we have passed through as my sick grandmother died after struggling parkinsonism for years.

Nowaday , I'm living with my daughter and my parents in Amman / Jordan away from my husband "Hasan" who had to move to "Ramtha" far in the north where is the only place to have a chance to work because of liecence issues.As I have told you in my previous posts, we proposed a request to the united nations (UNHCR) to seek asylum . We are refugees in Jordan since July 2014,since when our case didn't proceed any step.Waiting the case to reach resettlement stage seems like waiting forever.

The little salary of my husband and the indefinite future we could give to our daughter put us in a terrible emotional situation. I am almost not sleeping , I can't stop thinking . There are that empty holes inside , the inferior feeling that I can't give my daughter the future that every human deserve . I don't want her life to be a copy _paste of my old scary life memories .
                                                              I MUST DO SOMETHING!!
Turn the page ! no that won't be enough..
I shall change the book , the writer , the editor and just keep the charecter (no body can be the heroes of the other's life).
I sale 25 years of my life to buy peace , being a refugee guarantees this for me but resettlement in another country is the only way to start a new peaceful life .
There is no clear view about how long the resettlement will take , I can't build my life here in jordan as being non-jordanian make you rightsless, you can't get legal job lieceince or drive liecence , the only thing that Jordan offer to help you is to vaccinate your baby for free.


Thinking about illegal immigration seems like suicide for me , of course it is not worse than waiting this long-term resettlement but it will be my last choice since I can't ever put my daughter in that shoes or let's say a boat!

So illegal immigration .....................................had been cancelled.
Our case in UNHCR.................................... on pending since one and a half year.
Community proposal pilot to australia ........who will sponsor us? how can i get an approved proposing organizations?
                                                         SO WHAT TO DO?!
Any reader , focus with me please ! i do really need your help , give me your recommendations to solve my situations , let my voice be heared by media ,share this post with your friends , connect me to any organizations that can support me .
Readers who are interested:
like my new page on facebook : IraqiGirl Diary
Contact me on : hnk1989@gmail.com

And just keep praying....