وتسللت أشعة الأمل الى نوافذ غرقتي

With the sunshine rising in the first day of Ramadan, I became a life again and I decided that I should write a post soon.

” never give up” that’s what I was asking myself to do.

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“ life is a book and those who don’t travel read only a page” I read that somewhere, And It’s quite true, a wisdom quote made me feel that I am an ignorant somehow not because I am not traveling (because,I did travel to Syria and Gordan a years ago, and i went to Turkey this year) but it’s the fact that surrounding our situation of not being able to go outside house often,especially in the night, so that’s made us from those who read only a line.

My parents took us to turkey this holiday, spent a very beautiful and strange moment there. Not being me while being somewhere out of Iraq puzzled me. Feeling that i am much fun, open, and free while I am out, feeling that everything is possible and nothings is impossible.

Returning back to Iraq, returned my bad temper and behavior. Enjoying my human being and leaving any relationship related to human doing. Feeling that I am stock in the middle of a circle, with hopeless and depress filling my heart. with no option to survive and no way to run from the reality except by sleeping .

Anyway,I decided to live this year as if it is my last. it might be!

Rethinking of things that I want to do, things I want to learn, places I want to go, books I want to read and posts I want to write .

I read my list and started working.

Till now:

1- I learn to drive a bicycle. I always dream of driving one. My cousin who is my favorite, more like my brother taught me. And in one hour, I left my first steps on the street.

2-I bought brush and oil color and draw my first picture, I took the idea of the picture from the net and I draw it by myself with the help of a friend of my mother who graduated from the school of art and she taught me how to mix the color and how to put the first lines, I never hold a brush before .

I am still working on writing a book.A huge dream, worth working on.funny it is, how my dreams took me so far that I even dream today that I am in opra’s show . who's know!

Anyway, there is a long list waited to be done, let’s hope that I will do every single one.

Be safe where ever you are..And Ramadan Kareem

H.N.K

Me and my holiday

As I have announced in my last speech, I am in the holiday now.

Not surprising that the acne that filled my face began to disappear and my messy room began to re-appear and my desire to watch the silly series that are displaying on TV are no more exist.

Hours of sleep are worth the hard study. Anyway, I don’t sleep that much but I was not sleeping enough in the last month that makes my eyes reddish and my sight weaker than it was already.

One thing this year I am more determined than ever, I want to use every minute, I want to start the college and I am more educated, more confidence :) and more clever, how I can get all of that ? I am still looking for the answer.

As I have mentioned in my last post, I have many plans to do: such

Drawing:

I love drawing, and I was good on doing that kind of art in my primary school. It was my favorite lesson. Before three years I was thinking of improving my drawing skill but my mother did not encourage her little girl who is ME. She said that I am not Good enough to take lessons on that.

BUT;

Before a year and while I was going to decide which college I shall go to, my mother suggested to go to architectural engineering college * Surprise* . This was not surprising me as much as It was shocking me!!!

Was it the Unwilling to go to college of engineer which will make me in the position of comparison with Najma or it was the will to go to Pharmacy College make me chose pharmacy and pharmacy is what I got.

Architectural engineering college is neighbor with my college, it is more fashion, it looks amazing from out side* Well, I think it’s my college which looks like a jail and that architectural engineering is not that pretty* Anyway, I don’t feel guilty of going to pharmacy but I still think that architectural engineering college is wonderful.

And I am still having the will to improve my skill, but the problem is no more with my mother the problem is that it’s not easy to find a lesson teaching drawing , and if I find one, it’s will be really hard and not safe to reach the place.

Anyway, I draw a horse yesterday or it was suppose to be a horse but it’s looks more like a donkey.

is it look like a 9 years old girl's drawing, because I am a teen years old (nineteen years old in fact)

ps: don't be like my sister and ask" WHO IS THAT MAN THAT YOU ARE DRAWING !!!", it's not a man I know, nor a man I see, and not even a man I imagine.

نجحنا خلاص أرتحنا

hello people,
there are three good news:
1- I finished my exams, I am in the holiday now.
2- I took my marks today and I pass in all the subjects. I am now in the second stage in the college of pharmacy_ Mosul university
3- My dad had his surgery last Saturday. he is getting better day after day inshallah.

Three things I was so much worry about last few weeks are finally over.
Najma used to say " This too shall pass" And I used to write this words every times I feel tired and worry about the things that happened or about the things that will happened. Can't the man have peace of mind just for one day, whenever I finally get over from something I found something else to worry about, something else to weep on.
Anyway,Today I am holding on my shoulder not only a bag of worries but also a one of plans that I intend to do during my summer holiday. I really have to write a post about my plans maybe you can help!! don't you want to serve your friend (Hnk) .

now, I am really have headache so I have to end this and write another post soon.
Good bye

Rise and fall

From where I am
writing my post
To where the words
Of mine is read

From where the suicide bomber
was parking his car
to where the sound
of the bomb was heard

From where the danger
Of war was come
To where the injury
Of missile was lead

From where the fighter
was kept strong
to where the widow's baby
is being fed.

There is a fear
There is a pain

There is a garden waiting to be seeded.

From where the bell
Of school was rung
To where the student
Found what he seek

From where victory
was first tasted
to where the hope
of winning was needed

From the day the man
went to his job
to the day he received
His first threat

From time the building
Of house was finished
To the day we realize
We have to leave

There is a rising
There is a falling

there is a top we are waiting to reach

Note:this poem is written by me, who is now taking her final examination and really really need your prayer.I am really depressed from studying :(

It's so clear that I will never stop whinnying, there is no hope in me at all.

About me..

About me,

I am a 20 years old girl, living in Mosul/Iraq ( the most danger place in the world) where I face dead everyday and where I am attending pharmacy college and continuing my life just like any Iraqi people.

This is me:

H.N.K is my nickame that is known by blogger and which I used in this blog from the begining, and Hadia is a name which I used in my book “Iraqigirl”

Why I am Anonymous?

Because names are and will always be the silliest thing belong to us, and no one can be judged by its name. We are standing behind our acts and behaviors.

Frankly speaking, I begin this blog in order to do something to my country and to be someone. And since I am still in the beginning of this road and I want to be sure to end it safely. I used nicknames for not be known (not be assassinated).

So I am anonymous till unknown date

But who Am I?

A human who love peace,

Who love freedom,

Who want to be someone,

Who want to have electricity 24 Hr per day,

Who want to get out of house after 9 PM

Who want to live life with no fears

Who want to see it country unhurt and not destroyed

I am the one who is a Muslim, and who love Allah the most.

I am the one who dream of a better tomorrow,

And who live for a better one.

Where you can find me ?

Here in this corner where I am writing my diary .

Or: you can find me in Iraq / Mosul ..... hmmm hey, why you want to find me?? I am not going to tell you unless I get a reason !!! dahhh

to know morw about me:

Buy my book

Wish you a healthy life

I don't know from where to start and how to start so, I will just took a paragraph from what Najma wrote in her blog to give you an overview about what is going on in my life:

"A bout month ago, dad had a colonoscopical examination it turned out he needs an operation and needed to have it as soon as possible. Colonoscopy revealed ulcer and multiple small fungating tumors that caused partial obstruction of the intestine (this line was written with the help of my sister, of course). I overheard this accidentally since mom and dad had decided to hide this as long as possible so we could study!

The surgery was scheduled on Sunday, I had an Electromagnetic s exam at the same time of the operation. Both the exam and the operation were delayed since the roads were blocked; many students couldn't reach the university on time. The surgeon's neighborhood was surrounded, the ambulance couldn't get to him, they had to call the police so they can escort him to the ambulance and they arrived at the hospital two hours after the scheduled time. There were about 12 doctors (friends and relatives) at the OR and if it wasn't for all the calls they've made the operation would have probably been delayed for a later date.

The surgery went well but there was more at stake for dad than expected.. They had to remove the sigmoid and do a temporary colostomy which he is going to have to remove in another operation in three weeks."


Have I ever mention that I am the youngest girls between my sister, well, it seems that I will always being treated as a little girl even the fact that I am now 19 years old and aunt for 3 children.
no body told me about the surgery that my father had to do, no body told me that my father have a cancer. I was somehow busy with my exam which I did well on them till my father told me that my he have to do a simple surgery. And I never ask why !! * You can say that I didn't want to know why *
The day of surgery was horrible, I did very bad in my exam and I don't know if I will pass on it or not. that's not important now anyway.

After a week of the surgery, I finished my exams and I returned back to my life and found myself waiting for the biopsy result with my family. I didn't have an Idea what this result will show, I never ask, never think about it. I was the most stupid girl I have ever be and that what I realized after my mom ends her call with my father's doctor and said " thanks Allah, the biopsy results showed a stage A cancer" At that moment I stood with my mouth widely open, feeling that I have being kicked on my head, hearing Najma telling my mom " Mom, hnk still don't know!!! " I stood there seeing everyone looking happy where there was no happiness in my heart at all.
After all, I thank my Allah for stage A cancer. And I pray that my father will heal soon.

There is no hug I can ever have let me feel بالاحتواء like the hug of my father.
My father, if you are reeding this
"I love you deeply baba "

5 years

5 years!!!

And the nightmare didn’t end??

It seems that I will never wake up *uhh* the 8th of April 2003, 8 PM, what did I drink? I can’t remember.

5 years!!!

Does that make me 5 years older or have I been dead all this time. Seriously, am I alive now?

5 years!!!

It makes it 1440 days without seeing the precious moon. Or did the moon and sun have a deal behind my back?

5 years!!

And the life goes on and my soul goes out, what an equation!!

Frankly speaking, I am tired from writing posts about the war and the situation, I am tired from complaining. 5 years of complaining and I have just read a quote that says” let’s complain less and give more” and that’s what I intend to do (GIVING MORE) so this is the first day of the rest of my life and I am not going to let the war or whatever force take away the rest of my dreams.

I am not going to let it go…

From where the fight took place

H.N.K

I confess

I confess,

That I just ran from the living room where my family are hearing news now.

I confess,

That sometimes, it’s better for you not knowing about things, even if that’s things are related to you. Sometimes it’s better for you not to know what is going on, because what is going on is still going on.

I confess,

That this month was one of the worse in my life, and I am glad that it’s end.

I confess,

That I really studied hard through this course and when the exams were on the door I was completely tired

I confess,

That even this tireness didn’t stop me to stay awake during the night and study hard for those exams.

I confess,

That I did well in the exams but I didn’t do the better I could. I didn’t get what I seek. My marks will not be the marks I was looking for.

I confess,

That I am not from that part of persons who are satisfied with the little they get.

I confess,

I want everything, every dream to come true and every inch of it to be a real.

I confess

If I will not be one of the first 10 students on my class, something really terrible will happen to me.

I confess,

That I feel lonely, that kind of feeling resemble to not even be sure that I am existing.

I confess,

That may be result from being alone with books for 2 weeks of exams.

I confess,

That I will start my second course in Pharmacy College next week.

I am hopping,

That I will be a better student this time.

I confess,

That I like the college without frog and without biology lectures

I confess,

That the professor who was giving us biology lesson made the cells of my body crying for help.

I confess,

That is the professor responsibility to make us love or hate the subject we are studying.

I confess,

That being a professor in Pharmacy College is what I am looking for, and it’s can’t be caught without being one of the first 5 students on the class.

I confess,

That the horrible situation in Mosul beside all the disturb we passed through, lead the dean of our college with no choice left but to take our exams (both mid-course and final on the same day).

No need even to mention

That It was terrible to be in the exam’s room for four and a half hour.

Not surprising,

That some students gave their answering papers not because they have finished answering them but for the fact that if they spent another moment inside that curse, dark, cold room, a really big explosion will be heard in Mosul.

I confess,

It’s a hard life for person who thinks the life is hard.

I confess,

That the silent is filling my life, even the fact’s it’s full of bombs.

I confess,

I hate glasses, and I am wearing glasses recently and I just don’t feel comfort with it nor without it.

I confess,

I feel so silly sometimes, because I leave all the horrible things that are happening around me and wine for the little things that don’t deserve to be mention.

I confess,

That my sister expects her baby to born this month.

I confess,

That I feel that my sister is the devil itself to think of having a baby in this situation.

I confess,

I laugh a lot for the note that say” the sooner you die, the longer you’ll be died”

I don’t blame,

The professor of anatomy if he gives me a low score in the exams

I confess,

That he shows me a picture and asked me what is that?

I answered that – it’s a hand, and this is carpal and those are metacarpal and phalanges.

I confess,

I received a big chock when he said “All what you said is right in case it was really a hand…..

Well, it’s a foot in fact”

I confess,

That I gave him a wild smile of a foolish girl, and I just left the room as fast as .

I confess,

There is something wrong with me.

I confess that,

The administer of the exam asked me if I am a 4^th year student, I answered him that I am a 2^nd year student. After a while I woke up for the fact that I am in my first year of studying.

I confess,

It’s not the glass that will help me to see things clearly; it’s something I don’t know.

Can some body help me?