About me..

About me,

I am a 20 years old girl, living in Mosul/Iraq ( the most danger place in the world) where I face dead everyday and where I am attending pharmacy college and continuing my life just like any Iraqi people.

This is me:

H.N.K is my nickame that is known by blogger and which I used in this blog from the begining, and Hadia is a name which I used in my book “Iraqigirl”

Why I am Anonymous?

Because names are and will always be the silliest thing belong to us, and no one can be judged by its name. We are standing behind our acts and behaviors.

Frankly speaking, I begin this blog in order to do something to my country and to be someone. And since I am still in the beginning of this road and I want to be sure to end it safely. I used nicknames for not be known (not be assassinated).

So I am anonymous till unknown date

But who Am I?

A human who love peace,

Who love freedom,

Who want to be someone,

Who want to have electricity 24 Hr per day,

Who want to get out of house after 9 PM

Who want to live life with no fears

Who want to see it country unhurt and not destroyed

I am the one who is a Muslim, and who love Allah the most.

I am the one who dream of a better tomorrow,

And who live for a better one.

Where you can find me ?

Here in this corner where I am writing my diary .

Or: you can find me in Iraq / Mosul ..... hmmm hey, why you want to find me?? I am not going to tell you unless I get a reason !!! dahhh

to know morw about me:

Buy my book

Wish you a healthy life

I don't know from where to start and how to start so, I will just took a paragraph from what Najma wrote in her blog to give you an overview about what is going on in my life:

"A bout month ago, dad had a colonoscopical examination it turned out he needs an operation and needed to have it as soon as possible. Colonoscopy revealed ulcer and multiple small fungating tumors that caused partial obstruction of the intestine (this line was written with the help of my sister, of course). I overheard this accidentally since mom and dad had decided to hide this as long as possible so we could study!

The surgery was scheduled on Sunday, I had an Electromagnetic s exam at the same time of the operation. Both the exam and the operation were delayed since the roads were blocked; many students couldn't reach the university on time. The surgeon's neighborhood was surrounded, the ambulance couldn't get to him, they had to call the police so they can escort him to the ambulance and they arrived at the hospital two hours after the scheduled time. There were about 12 doctors (friends and relatives) at the OR and if it wasn't for all the calls they've made the operation would have probably been delayed for a later date.

The surgery went well but there was more at stake for dad than expected.. They had to remove the sigmoid and do a temporary colostomy which he is going to have to remove in another operation in three weeks."


Have I ever mention that I am the youngest girls between my sister, well, it seems that I will always being treated as a little girl even the fact that I am now 19 years old and aunt for 3 children.
no body told me about the surgery that my father had to do, no body told me that my father have a cancer. I was somehow busy with my exam which I did well on them till my father told me that my he have to do a simple surgery. And I never ask why !! * You can say that I didn't want to know why *
The day of surgery was horrible, I did very bad in my exam and I don't know if I will pass on it or not. that's not important now anyway.

After a week of the surgery, I finished my exams and I returned back to my life and found myself waiting for the biopsy result with my family. I didn't have an Idea what this result will show, I never ask, never think about it. I was the most stupid girl I have ever be and that what I realized after my mom ends her call with my father's doctor and said " thanks Allah, the biopsy results showed a stage A cancer" At that moment I stood with my mouth widely open, feeling that I have being kicked on my head, hearing Najma telling my mom " Mom, hnk still don't know!!! " I stood there seeing everyone looking happy where there was no happiness in my heart at all.
After all, I thank my Allah for stage A cancer. And I pray that my father will heal soon.

There is no hug I can ever have let me feel بالاحتواء like the hug of my father.
My father, if you are reeding this
"I love you deeply baba "

5 years

5 years!!!

And the nightmare didn’t end??

It seems that I will never wake up *uhh* the 8th of April 2003, 8 PM, what did I drink? I can’t remember.

5 years!!!

Does that make me 5 years older or have I been dead all this time. Seriously, am I alive now?

5 years!!!

It makes it 1440 days without seeing the precious moon. Or did the moon and sun have a deal behind my back?

5 years!!

And the life goes on and my soul goes out, what an equation!!

Frankly speaking, I am tired from writing posts about the war and the situation, I am tired from complaining. 5 years of complaining and I have just read a quote that says” let’s complain less and give more” and that’s what I intend to do (GIVING MORE) so this is the first day of the rest of my life and I am not going to let the war or whatever force take away the rest of my dreams.

I am not going to let it go…

From where the fight took place

H.N.K

I confess

I confess,

That I just ran from the living room where my family are hearing news now.

I confess,

That sometimes, it’s better for you not knowing about things, even if that’s things are related to you. Sometimes it’s better for you not to know what is going on, because what is going on is still going on.

I confess,

That this month was one of the worse in my life, and I am glad that it’s end.

I confess,

That I really studied hard through this course and when the exams were on the door I was completely tired

I confess,

That even this tireness didn’t stop me to stay awake during the night and study hard for those exams.

I confess,

That I did well in the exams but I didn’t do the better I could. I didn’t get what I seek. My marks will not be the marks I was looking for.

I confess,

That I am not from that part of persons who are satisfied with the little they get.

I confess,

I want everything, every dream to come true and every inch of it to be a real.

I confess

If I will not be one of the first 10 students on my class, something really terrible will happen to me.

I confess,

That I feel lonely, that kind of feeling resemble to not even be sure that I am existing.

I confess,

That may be result from being alone with books for 2 weeks of exams.

I confess,

That I will start my second course in Pharmacy College next week.

I am hopping,

That I will be a better student this time.

I confess,

That I like the college without frog and without biology lectures

I confess,

That the professor who was giving us biology lesson made the cells of my body crying for help.

I confess,

That is the professor responsibility to make us love or hate the subject we are studying.

I confess,

That being a professor in Pharmacy College is what I am looking for, and it’s can’t be caught without being one of the first 5 students on the class.

I confess,

That the horrible situation in Mosul beside all the disturb we passed through, lead the dean of our college with no choice left but to take our exams (both mid-course and final on the same day).

No need even to mention

That It was terrible to be in the exam’s room for four and a half hour.

Not surprising,

That some students gave their answering papers not because they have finished answering them but for the fact that if they spent another moment inside that curse, dark, cold room, a really big explosion will be heard in Mosul.

I confess,

It’s a hard life for person who thinks the life is hard.

I confess,

That the silent is filling my life, even the fact’s it’s full of bombs.

I confess,

I hate glasses, and I am wearing glasses recently and I just don’t feel comfort with it nor without it.

I confess,

I feel so silly sometimes, because I leave all the horrible things that are happening around me and wine for the little things that don’t deserve to be mention.

I confess,

That my sister expects her baby to born this month.

I confess,

That I feel that my sister is the devil itself to think of having a baby in this situation.

I confess,

I laugh a lot for the note that say” the sooner you die, the longer you’ll be died”

I don’t blame,

The professor of anatomy if he gives me a low score in the exams

I confess,

That he shows me a picture and asked me what is that?

I answered that – it’s a hand, and this is carpal and those are metacarpal and phalanges.

I confess,

I received a big chock when he said “All what you said is right in case it was really a hand…..

Well, it’s a foot in fact”

I confess,

That I gave him a wild smile of a foolish girl, and I just left the room as fast as .

I confess,

There is something wrong with me.

I confess that,

The administer of the exam asked me if I am a 4^th year student, I answered him that I am a 2^nd year student. After a while I woke up for the fact that I am in my first year of studying.

I confess,

It’s not the glass that will help me to see things clearly; it’s something I don’t know.

Can some body help me?

End life, killed laughter

Breathless, hopeless, and fatigue
That's what I am now..

I am between the devil and the deep blew see
and between them

I am wishing I am never be...

I have never felt more like a teenager ..

Salaam,

First, I am in a very bad mood right now, so if you are looking for joy, don’t waste your time.

Well, College, isn’t it what I was seeking, what I was looking for? Of course yes. And If they return me back to the past and ask me again what college I want to go, I will chose Pharmacy over and over again but I am really tired of studying and dissection frog and returning back home with no power to open my eyes and moving my leg.

I am tired of not having a friend, a real friend. Why having a faithful friends became something impossible in this time? I missed my old friends who recently became perfect.

You know, I have my old classmate “z” who I hang with during the rest time but we are so much different.

For example, I was talking someday about my cousin who is going to the same college as her brother and she said that my cousin is unbelievable and insane for calling my sister by her name in the college!! What’s wrong with that?? What she wanted exactly? Calling her by other’s name or what?

I think people must call people by their name, her cousin for example is also with us in Pharmacy College and when she met him face to face, they just ignore each others and pretend that they don’t know each other’s.

Recently I discover that Mosul community has many negative points as other community .

When we are in the college, I just try to be me and talk naturally and walk naturally which is something so right and suddenly I discover its wrong. I should not walk fast even if that mean miss the lecture, I should not ask the professor questions even if that mean not understanding the lesson, I should not and I should not...

The only one I like in the college is my classmate “m” he is from Baghdad, he is open and he looks like me, began to discover the world recently and he think that talking with girls is right .I found that calling him *my little sister* so much suitable to describe him as person.

My friend “z” was OK intalking with “M” especially he is in our group in organic chemistry lab but before a couple of days she came and she was boiling and she said: If he talks with me just one more time, I will tell him that you are not allowed to talk to me when we are out of the lab.

The wrong is not with moslawi people as much it’s wrong with their fears about what other people think of them.

Leave “m” and “z” aside and talk about my fool behavior.

1- I make a fool of my self when I scream in the middle of physiology lab after the frog jump from my hand while I was trying to pithing it. The whole students looked at me and laughed* I was so close to cry that moment*

2- I made a mistake when I told the professor that there is a student who is not wearing the dressing for lab after he asked who did’t.

3- I make a joke of myself when I said my opinion about what are human’s right in peace, when I began my talking with coughing.

4- I make myself the most unwell come friend when I answer the questions ,the professor of physiology was asking, as the result, he like me, thinks that I am good in English pronunciation and he ask me my name. But in the other hand, most of the students began hating me.

5- I discover that I led myself to one of the colleges where geniuses are assembling to compete with each other’s. And I am now, feel so much fool and stupid.

I am so much not like myself today, so much UN friend with it, really not satisfied because I did’t study hard and not doing anything important for several of days.

I am feeling helpless.

Pray for me, please

HNK

Me and my new life

I am, In my way to the future and I am living what might possible be a happy memory some day.

I started the college before 6 days and it’s... it's

It’s a life; it’s something beyond my normal life. Something wonderful, something new, it’s what I need.

We are taking 7 subject and they are:

Physiology, cell biology, organic chemistry, English language, medical statistic, Anatomy and human rights :) all in English but the last one is not.

Physiology looks interesting and amuse especially that Dr Basaam is wonderful man, he really work hard, I hold a great respect to him from the first lesson.

Next week we'll have our first physiology lab and the Dr asked each student to bring a frog with them to the lab :) I have an idea about what we'll do in those frogs but you really don't want to know. But the problem is I didn’t find any frog in our garden, I asked my entire relative to look for one for me and I didn’t get any frog yet. In spite the fact that I love Frog, I am so eager to ….*you know*.

Dr Omar who takes us Anatomy subject look good too, look like he is a popular teacher in both pharmacy and medical colleges.

Cell biology (cytology) being given by Dr. Farah (women) she is good but she talks so fast and gives us so much homeworks.

Medical statistic was my biggest nightmare in the first two lessons, I don't like her. Anyway, I studied the lessons one more time with my mom and I think I understood it inshallah.

We are about 120 students in Pharmacy College; the boys are not more than 25. The boys are so polite and quite and they are studying all the time, when we had our rest time, the girls spread in the university and went to bought sandwiches and had fun and the boys stayed in their places like an old mans who have nothing but books to read. They make me angry, why all that studying??

The most enjoying time I spent this week in the college is in the human right’s lesson. The teacher asked us to define what human right, and this question let us hear the boys’ voices for the first time ever. One commented that not all the people deserved to be called a human and this comment made everyone laugh, he really have a special idea but I don’t know why we all boys and girls didn’t control ourselves without laughing. One other boy began talking about France revolution and He said that he read book about this revolution and he made sure that everyone know that he had read a book. Talking about this revolution as an answer for every question and giving insensible answers.

During this month,

I thought a lot of me and who is really me!! And I decided that I need more time to spend with me and so I will work hard this year for me. Me, is the one that I am really don’t know, I don’t know what color she prefer? What desert she love? Which stories she like? And who is really she…

She, maybe the girl that survive,

The one that always be a live

Maybe the victim of this war,

The one who is really looking for

Maybe the rain that falling down,

The one who never want to get down

Maybe the weakest girl in world,

But not the weakest letter in these words

For the sake of me and my dreams, for the sake of that smile which was given to non but me, for the sake of my grandpa and for the sake of my country and for the sake of my religion and my God, I will be better person this year. I will find me.

I will not give up doing something to change the whole situation around me and me…. I want to know my destination; I want to draw the whole road that leading to the end and in the end I will be life in secure.

وكأن كل ما حولي مُقدِم على التغيير, وكأن كل بذرة على وشك التزهير. وكأني نفسي أنا لقيت دربا وفيه سوف أسير. ولأول مره أعرف وجهتي, و لأول مره أعرف ميعاد رحلتي ولاول مره أترك أنا غرفتي و قلمي يستبق فكرتي وفكرتي تستبق رواية قصتي وقصتي تستبق الحدث وكأنني عرفت الآن هويتي ,عرفت الآن غايتي ..بات كل شيءٍ الآن واضح.

أن شاء الله واضح

eyes on my life

Salam to all,

The winter is coming and the weather is getting cold every day, Najma and Aya have a flue already, and I am not feeling fine theses couple of days.

I have very good news, I was accepted in pharmacy college in Mosul University.

I am so eager to go throw this experience and start a new life as a college student. I still remember very well my first steps in the primary school and I still remember how scare I was and how I spent the first days following Najma from place to place. Najma, Poor girl, happy because I didn’t apply to her college. Who want to be with a sister in the same college anyway!!

A way from her eyes is a great opportunities for me to be natural, but my cousin who is two years older than me is also learning pharmacy in the same college so I am not really can do stupidities and get away from them without being noticed. I know that my cousin is very good boy and he will help me while being in college but I am still not relieve for the idea of having a relative in my college.

I am still not sure when I will start my college but I guess the time is not far away.

I will see a people, I will see streets and will learn knowledge ( I will have a life) .

PٍS:all our study and courses are in English, I know my English is good but I don’t know any of the medical words, I can’t even pronounce most of them. I am searching for a medical dictionary, better to be English-Arabic. And if you find a dictionary I can download it on computer it’s will be great even if it’s English- English.

---------------------

The situation is Mosul is still getting worse but in the other hand there are things getting better. A few roads which were close last two months, today they are open.

Talking about negative situation:

Before two weeks, our neighbor’s brother who is about 30 years old, married and having a kid did’t return to home. They thought that he was kidnapped and they waited a call from the people who kidnapped him, wanted money for the sake of his release. Unfortunately, no one call. And two days later he was found in the postmortem room. Today, our neighbor called and said that he is leaving Iraq to Armenia .

The basic is:

We are still insecure and in danger even when we are in our own house. But life goes on.

Your pharmacist friend from iraq

Pictures from around Mosul

...

Salam to all,

As you all know, I finished my hight school this year with a good average, high enough to enter the collage I want.

After I got my mark, I began to think seriously about what I want to be. I always dream to go to Pharmacy College but for some reason I hesitated about it.

To be a pharmacist is a good and suitable job for me if I will work in Iraq. But Will I have a future as a pharmacist if I’ll leave Iraq!! . I don’t trust the situation to be better tomorrow.

So, I was between choosing to go to pharmacy college, Dentistry College and Art cultural college. I asked for advices, I hear people opinions and I was completely lost. I was really unable to take a decision and that make me feel very angry.

After a while I removed Art cultural college from my list and I began to take different decision everyday, everyday I change my mind and everyday I fall apart.

I compare between the two collages and it’s led me to:

If I chose Dentistry College I will be called a doctor, I will have a future job outside Iraq. Dentistry College is easier to study than Pharmacy College, the building of dentistry college loohs great, but in the other hand, I will be hated by all children and I am not sure if I will not hate myself too. I can’t imagine myself putting my hand in someone’s mouth. I can’t stand the smell of the mouths. At the end, I asked my dentist for advice and he said that pharmacy is more suitable for women.

Although, Pharmacy is very hard college, may not have a good future as a job, the building of pharmacy’s college look like a Gail and pharmacist are called chemists in some other countries; but I am very much like chemistry and I am in love with everything associated with it. Pharmacy was always the college I dreamed of. So I took my options and write:

Mosul University, the college of pharmacy as the first option

Mosul University, the college of dentistry as the second option

Usually, Medicine College is the college number one which needs the highest marks; the dentistry college is the college number two and then pharmacy college. Although my marks are high enough to go to Medicine College, but I never think to be a doctor. It’s a hard job in Iraq especially after the war. Doctors are in danger to be kidnapped and to be murder plus they have to sleep in the hospitals. And I am completely surrounded by doctor, my father, my uncle, my sister and my brother in law. I don’t think I am going to be good on that, seeing blood, seeing injured people. I have a weak heart, I know I can’t stand all that.

Anyway, although I chose Pharmacy College but I have to take an exam and then my mark will lead me to one of the two colleges: pharmacy or dentistry.

I am eager to go to college but the problem is, I am not studying. I tried and tried but I got nothing. I can’t focus in what I am reading; in fact I read the book and my mind in something else. I can’t help it… But my position is still good, even if I'll get zero.

:)

see you later,

The girl who was H.N.K

Or not

Are we crazy or we are not?

Before a couple of days, Najma’s friend told her that she will do a visit to our house the day after. Najma was planning to make بسكت بارد (sort of sweet), she didn’t have a time to cook it during the day so at about one am and while I was working on the computer; I saw the light of the kitchen lit on.” Najma surely lose her mind, cooking sweet after the mid-night” I thought.

A minute later, she came asking for help which is something I ready to do especially if this help is cooking. We were both in the kitchen cooking, laughing and trying not to make noise so we won’t be cauught by grandma or mom who will definitely tell everyone that we were cooking sweet in the night, and because my aunt in law is one from everyone’s group, that will lead us to be the major subject in the latest news. After all, we were enjoying our private process and we were wondering if we are crazy or not J

While we were both in the middle of this, the electricity turns off.

In the dark, we were both laughing and sure that we are crazy. Anyway, the dark didn’t stop us from continuing what we had started. Thanks Allah, we didn’t be caught but there was certainly shock look on mom’s face when she opened the refrigerator and saw the sweet ;)

Is there a curfew or there is not?

The day after that, Najma’s friend came to our house as we expected but she only staid for a quarter an hour and her brother called her and said that the policemen said that there is a curfew. Minutes later, her father came to take her and she went without tasting the sweet, without finishing Najma’s photo album, and without open a subject to talk about.

Can you believe this?

An hour later the curfew ended, she is certainly a lucky girl L

Are we chickens or we are not?

There is a fact say there are no cars in the street after 7pm and there is another fact says Iraqi people go to sleep at about 10 pm and the question is: when did the chicken go to sleep, before or after 10?

In my case and in Najma’s case and in the case of each young Iraqi we won’t go to bed before 11 pm because we are * I don’t know* and because other reasons which I don’t really realize them yet but in our parents’ case, oh yeah they do go to bed early. My mom was talking with her brother on the net who live in United Arab emirate and he mentioned that he will go to eat ice cream in the 9 pm, mom told him that she is fighting to keep awake and not sleep till 10 and he was unbelieving that and he questioned “ are you chickens?”

So really are we chickens?

Is it a life or it’s not?

I can’t forget that during Saddam’s time, we were go to eat ice cream everyday after midnight. Oh, I want the old days to come back, I want the old day to come back. I want to see the moon, to see the sky afternoon, to see the hope coming soon, to see the life like a movie cartoon not like a frighten movie night, not like that. I want to be a normal girl, living a normal life. Not this girl who is sitting in front of the computer, writing a diary and trying to be such a funny, lovely girl. I want to take off hnk’s nickname and I want to throw out her bad memories and I want to clean her heart from pain and I want just to be myself and just to talk to myself and just to hear my voice and just to play my role.

I just want to be..

To be someone else

PC: I wonder if she is me who write in this blog or she is not!

And I wonder if she is not, so who is she? I wonder…

Yours,

Me, myself not I

Just talking

عيد بأي حال عدت يا عيد ….. بما مضى أم لأمـر فيك تجديد

أما الأحبة فالبيـداء دونهم …. فليت دونـك بيد دونهـا بيد

In eleventh of October, the sound of a huge explosion woke me up from my dear sleep. A bomb in van exploded in the neighbourhood near al Sina'a region. Many people died and many people lost their stores and other buildings.

I feel sorry for those who lost their stores and buildings (I have a heart, you know) but am I really feeling sorry for the people who died!! I don't think so (see, I don't really have a heart). I feel sorry for their parents and their children but not for them. Life is not what we look for nor what we seek or what we are good at. I am not sorry because I know that they were not happy.


Life is a game and it's so clear that we are losing it. The people who died are obviously the people who pressed "quit" to end the game. It's maybe unwise to end the game before we finish it, but they win the battle even if they lose the war.

Away from violence, Life will go on and on

(a drowning man will clutch at a straw).

______________________________



Since we came back from Syria, I and Najma (my sister) spent hours every day trying our new clothes. Hours and hours passed with changing clothes and one question kept repeating itself: when will we really wear this clothes?

Finally the first day of Eid came and I was able to wear my new clothes ( I wondered why the picture of myself wearing those clothes is so familiar!!:)

On the first day of Eid, all my uncles, aunts and cousins came to our house. It's the first Eid after my grandpa's death and it's a tradition to visit the family of the dead person in Al-Eid.

My father's cousin also came to our house. All I did on this first day of Eid was boil water and make coffee. After 7 hours of making coffee and serving it, I was completely tired but really happy indeed.

Now Ramadan and Eid are over and our usual boring life remains and is not over.

Do you know what else is over? This post is over.

So until our next post

Good bye

Some pictures from our kitchenٍ