About me..

About me,

I am a 20 years old girl, living in Mosul/Iraq ( the most danger place in the world) where I face dead everyday and where I am attending pharmacy college and continuing my life just like any Iraqi people.

This is me:

H.N.K is my nickame that is known by blogger and which I used in this blog from the begining, and Hadia is a name which I used in my book “Iraqigirl”

Why I am Anonymous?

Because names are and will always be the silliest thing belong to us, and no one can be judged by its name. We are standing behind our acts and behaviors.

Frankly speaking, I begin this blog in order to do something to my country and to be someone. And since I am still in the beginning of this road and I want to be sure to end it safely. I used nicknames for not be known (not be assassinated).

So I am anonymous till unknown date

But who Am I?

A human who love peace,

Who love freedom,

Who want to be someone,

Who want to have electricity 24 Hr per day,

Who want to get out of house after 9 PM

Who want to live life with no fears

Who want to see it country unhurt and not destroyed

I am the one who is a Muslim, and who love Allah the most.

I am the one who dream of a better tomorrow,

And who live for a better one.

Where you can find me ?

Here in this corner where I am writing my diary .

Or: you can find me in Iraq / Mosul ..... hmmm hey, why you want to find me?? I am not going to tell you unless I get a reason !!! dahhh

to know morw about me:

Buy my book

Wish you a healthy life

I don't know from where to start and how to start so, I will just took a paragraph from what Najma wrote in her blog to give you an overview about what is going on in my life:

"A bout month ago, dad had a colonoscopical examination it turned out he needs an operation and needed to have it as soon as possible. Colonoscopy revealed ulcer and multiple small fungating tumors that caused partial obstruction of the intestine (this line was written with the help of my sister, of course). I overheard this accidentally since mom and dad had decided to hide this as long as possible so we could study!

The surgery was scheduled on Sunday, I had an Electromagnetic s exam at the same time of the operation. Both the exam and the operation were delayed since the roads were blocked; many students couldn't reach the university on time. The surgeon's neighborhood was surrounded, the ambulance couldn't get to him, they had to call the police so they can escort him to the ambulance and they arrived at the hospital two hours after the scheduled time. There were about 12 doctors (friends and relatives) at the OR and if it wasn't for all the calls they've made the operation would have probably been delayed for a later date.

The surgery went well but there was more at stake for dad than expected.. They had to remove the sigmoid and do a temporary colostomy which he is going to have to remove in another operation in three weeks."


Have I ever mention that I am the youngest girls between my sister, well, it seems that I will always being treated as a little girl even the fact that I am now 19 years old and aunt for 3 children.
no body told me about the surgery that my father had to do, no body told me that my father have a cancer. I was somehow busy with my exam which I did well on them till my father told me that my he have to do a simple surgery. And I never ask why !! * You can say that I didn't want to know why *
The day of surgery was horrible, I did very bad in my exam and I don't know if I will pass on it or not. that's not important now anyway.

After a week of the surgery, I finished my exams and I returned back to my life and found myself waiting for the biopsy result with my family. I didn't have an Idea what this result will show, I never ask, never think about it. I was the most stupid girl I have ever be and that what I realized after my mom ends her call with my father's doctor and said " thanks Allah, the biopsy results showed a stage A cancer" At that moment I stood with my mouth widely open, feeling that I have being kicked on my head, hearing Najma telling my mom " Mom, hnk still don't know!!! " I stood there seeing everyone looking happy where there was no happiness in my heart at all.
After all, I thank my Allah for stage A cancer. And I pray that my father will heal soon.

There is no hug I can ever have let me feel بالاحتواء like the hug of my father.
My father, if you are reeding this
"I love you deeply baba "

5 years

5 years!!!

And the nightmare didn’t end??

It seems that I will never wake up *uhh* the 8th of April 2003, 8 PM, what did I drink? I can’t remember.

5 years!!!

Does that make me 5 years older or have I been dead all this time. Seriously, am I alive now?

5 years!!!

It makes it 1440 days without seeing the precious moon. Or did the moon and sun have a deal behind my back?

5 years!!

And the life goes on and my soul goes out, what an equation!!

Frankly speaking, I am tired from writing posts about the war and the situation, I am tired from complaining. 5 years of complaining and I have just read a quote that says” let’s complain less and give more” and that’s what I intend to do (GIVING MORE) so this is the first day of the rest of my life and I am not going to let the war or whatever force take away the rest of my dreams.

I am not going to let it go…

From where the fight took place

H.N.K

I confess

I confess,

That I just ran from the living room where my family are hearing news now.

I confess,

That sometimes, it’s better for you not knowing about things, even if that’s things are related to you. Sometimes it’s better for you not to know what is going on, because what is going on is still going on.

I confess,

That this month was one of the worse in my life, and I am glad that it’s end.

I confess,

That I really studied hard through this course and when the exams were on the door I was completely tired

I confess,

That even this tireness didn’t stop me to stay awake during the night and study hard for those exams.

I confess,

That I did well in the exams but I didn’t do the better I could. I didn’t get what I seek. My marks will not be the marks I was looking for.

I confess,

That I am not from that part of persons who are satisfied with the little they get.

I confess,

I want everything, every dream to come true and every inch of it to be a real.

I confess

If I will not be one of the first 10 students on my class, something really terrible will happen to me.

I confess,

That I feel lonely, that kind of feeling resemble to not even be sure that I am existing.

I confess,

That may be result from being alone with books for 2 weeks of exams.

I confess,

That I will start my second course in Pharmacy College next week.

I am hopping,

That I will be a better student this time.

I confess,

That I like the college without frog and without biology lectures

I confess,

That the professor who was giving us biology lesson made the cells of my body crying for help.

I confess,

That is the professor responsibility to make us love or hate the subject we are studying.

I confess,

That being a professor in Pharmacy College is what I am looking for, and it’s can’t be caught without being one of the first 5 students on the class.

I confess,

That the horrible situation in Mosul beside all the disturb we passed through, lead the dean of our college with no choice left but to take our exams (both mid-course and final on the same day).

No need even to mention

That It was terrible to be in the exam’s room for four and a half hour.

Not surprising,

That some students gave their answering papers not because they have finished answering them but for the fact that if they spent another moment inside that curse, dark, cold room, a really big explosion will be heard in Mosul.

I confess,

It’s a hard life for person who thinks the life is hard.

I confess,

That the silent is filling my life, even the fact’s it’s full of bombs.

I confess,

I hate glasses, and I am wearing glasses recently and I just don’t feel comfort with it nor without it.

I confess,

I feel so silly sometimes, because I leave all the horrible things that are happening around me and wine for the little things that don’t deserve to be mention.

I confess,

That my sister expects her baby to born this month.

I confess,

That I feel that my sister is the devil itself to think of having a baby in this situation.

I confess,

I laugh a lot for the note that say” the sooner you die, the longer you’ll be died”

I don’t blame,

The professor of anatomy if he gives me a low score in the exams

I confess,

That he shows me a picture and asked me what is that?

I answered that – it’s a hand, and this is carpal and those are metacarpal and phalanges.

I confess,

I received a big chock when he said “All what you said is right in case it was really a hand…..

Well, it’s a foot in fact”

I confess,

That I gave him a wild smile of a foolish girl, and I just left the room as fast as .

I confess,

There is something wrong with me.

I confess that,

The administer of the exam asked me if I am a 4^th year student, I answered him that I am a 2^nd year student. After a while I woke up for the fact that I am in my first year of studying.

I confess,

It’s not the glass that will help me to see things clearly; it’s something I don’t know.

Can some body help me?

End life, killed laughter

Breathless, hopeless, and fatigue
That's what I am now..

I am between the devil and the deep blew see
and between them

I am wishing I am never be...

I have never felt more like a teenager ..

Salaam,

First, I am in a very bad mood right now, so if you are looking for joy, don’t waste your time.

Well, College, isn’t it what I was seeking, what I was looking for? Of course yes. And If they return me back to the past and ask me again what college I want to go, I will chose Pharmacy over and over again but I am really tired of studying and dissection frog and returning back home with no power to open my eyes and moving my leg.

I am tired of not having a friend, a real friend. Why having a faithful friends became something impossible in this time? I missed my old friends who recently became perfect.

You know, I have my old classmate “z” who I hang with during the rest time but we are so much different.

For example, I was talking someday about my cousin who is going to the same college as her brother and she said that my cousin is unbelievable and insane for calling my sister by her name in the college!! What’s wrong with that?? What she wanted exactly? Calling her by other’s name or what?

I think people must call people by their name, her cousin for example is also with us in Pharmacy College and when she met him face to face, they just ignore each others and pretend that they don’t know each other’s.

Recently I discover that Mosul community has many negative points as other community .

When we are in the college, I just try to be me and talk naturally and walk naturally which is something so right and suddenly I discover its wrong. I should not walk fast even if that mean miss the lecture, I should not ask the professor questions even if that mean not understanding the lesson, I should not and I should not...

The only one I like in the college is my classmate “m” he is from Baghdad, he is open and he looks like me, began to discover the world recently and he think that talking with girls is right .I found that calling him *my little sister* so much suitable to describe him as person.

My friend “z” was OK intalking with “M” especially he is in our group in organic chemistry lab but before a couple of days she came and she was boiling and she said: If he talks with me just one more time, I will tell him that you are not allowed to talk to me when we are out of the lab.

The wrong is not with moslawi people as much it’s wrong with their fears about what other people think of them.

Leave “m” and “z” aside and talk about my fool behavior.

1- I make a fool of my self when I scream in the middle of physiology lab after the frog jump from my hand while I was trying to pithing it. The whole students looked at me and laughed* I was so close to cry that moment*

2- I made a mistake when I told the professor that there is a student who is not wearing the dressing for lab after he asked who did’t.

3- I make a joke of myself when I said my opinion about what are human’s right in peace, when I began my talking with coughing.

4- I make myself the most unwell come friend when I answer the questions ,the professor of physiology was asking, as the result, he like me, thinks that I am good in English pronunciation and he ask me my name. But in the other hand, most of the students began hating me.

5- I discover that I led myself to one of the colleges where geniuses are assembling to compete with each other’s. And I am now, feel so much fool and stupid.

I am so much not like myself today, so much UN friend with it, really not satisfied because I did’t study hard and not doing anything important for several of days.

I am feeling helpless.

Pray for me, please

HNK

Me and my new life

I am, In my way to the future and I am living what might possible be a happy memory some day.

I started the college before 6 days and it’s... it's

It’s a life; it’s something beyond my normal life. Something wonderful, something new, it’s what I need.

We are taking 7 subject and they are:

Physiology, cell biology, organic chemistry, English language, medical statistic, Anatomy and human rights :) all in English but the last one is not.

Physiology looks interesting and amuse especially that Dr Basaam is wonderful man, he really work hard, I hold a great respect to him from the first lesson.

Next week we'll have our first physiology lab and the Dr asked each student to bring a frog with them to the lab :) I have an idea about what we'll do in those frogs but you really don't want to know. But the problem is I didn’t find any frog in our garden, I asked my entire relative to look for one for me and I didn’t get any frog yet. In spite the fact that I love Frog, I am so eager to ….*you know*.

Dr Omar who takes us Anatomy subject look good too, look like he is a popular teacher in both pharmacy and medical colleges.

Cell biology (cytology) being given by Dr. Farah (women) she is good but she talks so fast and gives us so much homeworks.

Medical statistic was my biggest nightmare in the first two lessons, I don't like her. Anyway, I studied the lessons one more time with my mom and I think I understood it inshallah.

We are about 120 students in Pharmacy College; the boys are not more than 25. The boys are so polite and quite and they are studying all the time, when we had our rest time, the girls spread in the university and went to bought sandwiches and had fun and the boys stayed in their places like an old mans who have nothing but books to read. They make me angry, why all that studying??

The most enjoying time I spent this week in the college is in the human right’s lesson. The teacher asked us to define what human right, and this question let us hear the boys’ voices for the first time ever. One commented that not all the people deserved to be called a human and this comment made everyone laugh, he really have a special idea but I don’t know why we all boys and girls didn’t control ourselves without laughing. One other boy began talking about France revolution and He said that he read book about this revolution and he made sure that everyone know that he had read a book. Talking about this revolution as an answer for every question and giving insensible answers.

During this month,

I thought a lot of me and who is really me!! And I decided that I need more time to spend with me and so I will work hard this year for me. Me, is the one that I am really don’t know, I don’t know what color she prefer? What desert she love? Which stories she like? And who is really she…

She, maybe the girl that survive,

The one that always be a live

Maybe the victim of this war,

The one who is really looking for

Maybe the rain that falling down,

The one who never want to get down

Maybe the weakest girl in world,

But not the weakest letter in these words

For the sake of me and my dreams, for the sake of that smile which was given to non but me, for the sake of my grandpa and for the sake of my country and for the sake of my religion and my God, I will be better person this year. I will find me.

I will not give up doing something to change the whole situation around me and me…. I want to know my destination; I want to draw the whole road that leading to the end and in the end I will be life in secure.

وكأن كل ما حولي مُقدِم على التغيير, وكأن كل بذرة على وشك التزهير. وكأني نفسي أنا لقيت دربا وفيه سوف أسير. ولأول مره أعرف وجهتي, و لأول مره أعرف ميعاد رحلتي ولاول مره أترك أنا غرفتي و قلمي يستبق فكرتي وفكرتي تستبق رواية قصتي وقصتي تستبق الحدث وكأنني عرفت الآن هويتي ,عرفت الآن غايتي ..بات كل شيءٍ الآن واضح.

أن شاء الله واضح