Monday, May 01, 2006

I want to be someone...

Good morning... Good evening ... Good night. It's not important which time I use as much as it's important to be good.

I took my first course in chemistry. The teacher was too nice with us. He didn't stop joking and doing a funny actions.
I laugh and laugh and laugh more than I laughed this whole this year, my tears began to fall and I didn't know what to do.
In physics, my teacher is a woman who looks a good teacher too. I took 2 courses and the subjects look not an easy but nothing is hard if we study it hard.
I am hesitating about take lessons in Arabic language or not. Each girl took a lesson in 4 subjects at less. I think 2 lessons is enough for me, I am hardly find time to take a rest. I don't want to use all my power in the holiday and when the school begins I will be completely tired. In the other hand, if I lived all my life doing well in my school and got good marks, why should I worry about this year? I know it's not like all the years before but.......you know :)

I still don't know what I want to be in the future, In the past I wished I'll be a pharmacist just like my aunt. But now I changed my mind into (I don't know), I like house decoration but there are no college care of studying the decoration.
I don't know I want to be someone famous; I want to enter a good and excellent college somewhere far from
Iraq situation. I want to leave Iraq and study and then get back to my country when I'll be ready for that. And at that time I'll do for my country and give and give all what I have just for seeing it as height as it was in the past.

I don't know why my mother always said that Najma is an ambitions personne who have the confidence and dreams bigger than herself.
And me! I am nothing at all.
She didn't say that I am nothing at all, but she remarked into that when she is talking. She said Najma is a very good speaker in English and she is very good in computer and bla bla bla. And when she finished her words, she turned her head and said you are too :( .
Did she really think that I don't feel that? I am not blind, I am the only daughter she have who don't put an eye glasses.
That exactly what I want to prove. I want to prove that I am not the girl she is thinking. I am also having dreams, I am also having plans but I have something that Najma don't have, I have the fear from everything.
I have fears from building hopes above no ground.
I have fears from listing to myself and get myself into trouble.

I hate myself sometimes just like I do now.
BTW, I hate sitting with the people I hate because it's too clear that I hate them.
And now I am sitting with me and I hate myself just now. Not a good condition to talk about...

Better to leave myself now,
bye

18 comments:

This Is Me said...

HNK,
The only thing that keeps us from our dreams is to be afraid of them and not even try. No one knows what they can achieve if they never try!
Don't hate yourself. You can do anything, you can be anything. You will prove everyone wrong, you will even prove yourself wrong, as long as you try.
You already are someone, but life is challenging and life makes us stronger. Have the courage to dream big and to go after those dreams. We all know that you will be great and you will do great things. :)

-Brooke

Simcha said...

I think your metaphors are better than Najma's :) Remember that what you say is more important than how good you are at the language you're saying it in. And don't hate! It is you who decides how you look at the world. Theoretically speaking, that is :)
Good luck! You'll be OK.

Lisa, New York said...

HNK,

You are extraordinarily bright and talented and you have the ability to do whatever you want in your life. Don't let anyone's low expectations keep you down. You should believe in yourself because there are so many of us out here in the rest of the world who believe in you, too.

(P.S. - You are just as smart and talented and special as Najma is. Sometimes family and friends get an idea in their minds that one child is the "special" one. The idea sticks, even if it's not necessarily true. Don't let other people define who you are. YOU know who you are.)

Libby said...

Wait, wait hnk. This is what your Mom wrote about you.



"My third daughter HNK was only one year younger than Najma, she was the prettiest daughter and she was very proud of herself but also after the primary school she changed to an inconfident and hesitating person. She is also very clever but she carries the world over her head. She is very much satisfied with what she got, she never asks for anything, and she always says" mom you gave us everything"."

See, she says you're very clever and you're the PRETTIEST!
We know your sister is smart but she's demanding as well. You are easy-going. Think of how much Aya loves you.

Your chemistry teacher sounds like fun. If you think 2 lessons are enough, then just take 2 lessons and try not to worry.

I'd be very proud of you if you were my daughter. :)

David said...

Glad to hear that your chemistry teacher is a funny man. :) My favorite teachers were also funny people.

Well, here in the U.S. college students can major (the main course of study) in Interior Design. I once met a girl at my college who was studying that. Or perhaps you might like to study architecture. The architects that I worked with as an engineer were all very busy deciding what their buildings would look like inside and outside. Anyway, you still have some time to think about what you would like to do. But, my suggestion to you is to choose something that you love, something that you feel a passion for.

I think that you are definitely Something! I understand having fears. I have had many fears too in my lifetime. It is ok. Sometimes a fear can motivate you to become a better person. Please try to appreciate yourself!

Take care.

Anonymous said...

I feel that you can do anything you want to do. Most people would be very happy to make the grades you make in school.You just need to figure out what it is you want to do in life. Your still very young so don't rush life's decisions. Whatever you decide I'm sure you will be very sucessful. Relax, I think you push yourself to hard.

Mad Canuck said...

Hey HNK,

You shouldn't get down on yourself like that. It's always hard being the younger sister, because you're always being compared against your older sister, and since she's a year ahead of you, she'll tend to do things before you get to do them.

Yes, Najma is really smart. That doesn't mean you're not. You've written here about your marks, and they are excellent. Many people would love to have marks like yours. Also, just because Najma may be better at you at some things doesn't mean you aren't better at her at some other things.

It's also not a bad thing that you don't know what you want for a career yet. Even if you did know, there's a good chance you'd be wrong. When I was your age, I was "sure" I was going to be a doctor. Two years later, I was going to be a pilot. Then, I started in civil engineering at university, but decided I liked chemistry and switched my major to chemical engineering. Then, after I graduated, I ended up getting into computers and now I'm an IT director. Being uncertain about what career you want to get into at your age is normal, and as long as you keep moving in *generally* the right direction, you'll find the right path eventually.

What's important for you now, especially since you're not sure what you want to do, is to keep your doors open. If you study science or engineering in university, you can get a job doing pretty much anything, and if you want to change your major into some other scientific field after a year, you can usually do so.

So, the important thing for you to focus on now is to keep your marks up, especially science and math.

EdoRiver said...

You see Hnk, you have alot of "older sisters and brothers" here, in Blog-world...and you also have alot of extra "uncles and aunts" ;-)

I'll be your 25th cousin "twice removed".
Remember your mom is an engineer, and she married a doctor...so of course she was ambitious for a woman especially. She had to break from alot of traditional thinking, right?
So, it is understandable that she favors and encourages plans in the sciences, and computers.

I confess I have wanted our daughters to be engineers ;-) Why? because the society now is advancing due to the sciences, and the entertainment industry ;=( double ugg! well, so far our oldest is interested in commercial art now.

About "parents' love", try not to think of our love as a cup and if we pour out some for one daughter/son, there is only a "little remaining" for the other one. Love doesn't exist like that. IN fact it works the opposite way. The more we give out, the more our capacity is increased so that we can give more. Can you believe that?? ;-)

Hnk, my advice is to be patient, and try to listen to yourself, what topics WITHIN your school subjects are easiest or most interesting for you?? Yes, probably you can't do projects about interior design in your classes..so what other topics?? during your classes look for what projects, assignments are really interesting, even if you find Arabic interesting ;-) it may lead to something else. Just keep going along watch yourself and look for the curiosity within you on some topics.

Anonymous said...

Your blog is beautiful. To the people whom read it you are already famous. =)

claerly no-one is more special than anyone else. Find out what it is in life you love, and do that. This way it is not a job. If it is not somthing that college provides then pick somthing college provides. but take it upon yourself to better yourself in what it is you love. and one day perhaps you will be the pioneer of that industry in Iraq or where ever you reside. Dreams are always reachable. Do not ever listen to someone who says they are not. If your dream and reach for the stars, maybe you won't touch the stars, but you might reach the clouds, which makes reaching the stars easier.


An italian guy from the
smokey mountains

Don Cox said...

Cheer up. You are a good person with plenty of talent and you will do fine.___As for Interior Design, the main things you need to learn are drawing, colour and pattern, and building construction.

Jack Bennett said...

You have a very deep, artistic soul, HNK. It is not inferior to Najma's, it is just different.

Being an interior designer is a very interesting job and here in the US can be financial rewarding as well. Perhaps you can take classes in architecture, which is somewhat in the same field and then further your studies. But I know you will succeed no matter what since you are so smart.

Keep you hopes up, please. I always look foward to your posts.

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Anonymous said...

Hello HNK

My name is Laurie, and I am a grandmother...living in Canada. I found your blog yesterday, and have been reading it in all my spare time.

What a precious girl you are. A very intelligent and remarkable young woman indeed.

I havent responded to many of your posts...mostly because they are from a few years ago. I am sorry life is so hard for all Iraquis. Please know that the majority of people wish that the US would leave Iraq. They should never have entered your country..it was shameful...and most normal healthy folks believe that.

I chuckled a little at this particular post. Someone a couple of years ago, said you reminded them of Anne Frank. She was a young Dutch girl, who kept a journal during the war, and it has since been made into a book and a movie. You probably have heard of it.

You do sound a little like Anne. She too....felt that her mother enjoyed her sister more. As a mother...I can tell you, that its not a matter of loving one child more than the other, or thinking one is smarter than the other.

You are so smart. I wonder if on some level you frighten your mother? Perhaps she is a little in awe of you my dear. I know I am.

I am so happy to have found your blog.

I hope and pray, that that American soldiers leave soon. Most americans want them to as well. Americans are good kind people. They were lied to by their government. They now know the truth, and they are aware of what is happening in your country. Most Americans are desperately trying to help you.

Please remember those young American soldiers are boys...not much older than you. They are afraid...they miss their families and their friends. They too are losing thier buddies....they are being used by their government. George Bush must pay for that someday, and he will. At the very least he will go down in the history books, as the worst American President ever.

Lots of love and good wishes.

Laurie