Eid Sa3eed

Truth will prevail

Salam all,

First I have an announcement:

If you want to make a visit to my house, you are welcome. You can find me in there anytime. I am not going anywhere; I don't intend to go to anywhere. I am not going to lie and say that I don't like going out and making visits but you are a very dear guest. * If you lied once you can make another lie*.

I am spending my holiday in my house. Don't think it's a boring holiday. I am doing all the sort of things that you do.

I sometime go for a walk. Taking some steps from one room to another. From kitchen to guest room, from bedroom to bathroom, and some time I make progress and go to our backyard just for a walk in the garden. You know walking is a good sport.

There is something you don't know about me; it's how much I love music. I think I have a musician ears. I like music, je l'aime.

It seem like the pilots of the American airplanes heard about my interest in the sound of the warplane and military airplane ( not true) but they really seem like they have an order not to let anyone sleep. I am so sorry for disappointing them. I woke up one day and I found myself in love with the sound they make. It's not like other sounds; these sounds are special and they are a natural sound. They are like bed's song . They are not merely an annoying, ugly, awful, hideous sounds and impossible to hear. They help mothers to hush their babies. They help the community to discover the valuable of silence.

If speech was made from silver, then silent is made from gold.

I am not a bookish girl; I never will be. But the situation in Mosul gave me an unwanted present. It's a space time. Therefore I found myself ending reading one book and start to read another. I don't know why I didn't do that ages ago!! Reading is really amusing and a useful habit. I read a police story written by Agatha Kristy. And I read two books of Harry Potter's series and some other stories and useful books. Reading a book is much easier than writing a book, don't you think?

I am still holding tightly what hope I have remaining especially after I survived last night.

At about 1 A.M I went out of my room. I was half asleep and my eyes were nearly closed and there was creature with green evil eyes looking at me. It seemed like it had an invitation to enter my room. It was walking towards me and my room when my brain finally receives a call that this creature is a cat.

"CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!", I shouted loudly and pushed my way back into my room and closed the door behind me and I began to scream and yell for help. " There is a cat in the house!", I shouted and Najma (My sister who knows very well how much I hate cats and how much I am afraid from the sight of them) woke up my father and told him the story.

My father went upstairs where my room is and he saw the cat running from the warehouse's window. He told me that the cat left and that I am safe now, but I insisted that he walk downstairs with me hand-in-hand. My father was very furious and he said to me "You are lucky, the cat didn't eat you".

I don't expect him to be proud of my brave behavior because I was really shaking and full of fears. Anyway, I survived and the cat didn't eat me.

Najma as usual didn't stop giggling at me. Hmm, I miss the old times when I was the brave girl and she was the one who don't have the courage to enter the kitchen without the company of someone. I invented the story that there is a ghost named Shahrurah living in the kitchen and since then, she didn't enter the kitchen alone.

I don't know what the reason that makes the people here feel bored and wishing that they could leave Iraq. Najma, for example, is reading a book called Faster Than The Speed of Light and she is reading something about transport across time !! (I told you she is weird, But you didn't listen!) She wants to live the future without living the present!! *yuk*

Why did anybody want to live in the future since everything is going to worse? why does anybody want to live another second, another hour, and another day?

Who said she will find herself in the future anyway? Who said she will be alive? Who said there will be a life?

It's very difficult to understand the incentives and the reasons that make her think that there will be a better future.

Your friend from present,

H.N.K (The survivor)

The first of October

Remember remember the first of October the Gunpowder, treason and plot. I see no reason why the gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot...

Remember remember the first of October
The date of disaster, the date of …
ANOTHER DISASTER


The first of November was the first day of going to university after the summer holiday.

Najma (my sister) was so eager to start her second year in her college * what can I say! She is so weird*

My sister, my mother went to Mosul University and my mother planned with Najma that If her lessons end early, she will go to my mother college and they will go back home together and if not, Najma will be waiting for my dad near Najma’s college.

Although Najma is not a good listen girl, she followed the instructions.

At about 1 PM bomb car exploded in the same place where Najma and my dad arrange to meet.

I was in the house numbering the walls in each chamber of it, and guess what? In each chamber, there are 4 walls, not more not less.

I didn’t hear the an explosion but I hear my cell phone ringing (my mobile) and it was my dad who was calling me

- Alo - WHERE ARE YOU?
- Dad, I am hnk. Is there any place I could be in except home!
- I thought I called your mom... CLOSE THE PHONE
- Ok * It’s not my fault, is it?*

I thought that my mother didn’t meet my father in the place they planned to meet (as usual).

Frankly speaking, my father was calling my mother after he saw a fire and a bomb car in the place where he should meet Najma. So he called my mother to see whether Najma went to my mother’s college and survive or not?

Did she die or did she not? This is the question

She did finish her lessons soon and went to my mother’s college and remain there .There, is where she heard the explosion of the bomb car, there is where my mother sat shocked because she was so close to lose a daughter and there is where Najma found a new and another reason to say when we ask her to do some of house work
-“I was going to die today, and you want me to wash the dishes?? “

They met my dad and ran back home before the police closed the streets.

And while I was studying the theory that says “All chambers have but only one roof”, my cell phone rang again.
She was my mom and she said :
“we are going to see your cousin, bomb car took place near the university and your cousin was injured “

Suddenly and before any warning the tears fell down and my shaking voice said “how is he??”

My mother assured me that he is fine; she said that they didn’t see him yet, but he drove his car by himself and went to his house.

My cousin told them the whole story. He was shopping in front of the university, buying watermelon, and a car in the next street exploded. He said that the sound was so loud. that he couldn't belive that he still can hear.

After the explosion he found him self lying on the ground far away from the place he was standing and the shop keeper was also lying in the ground but in another side which is also away from where he was.
He said that there was money and watermelons every where. His clothes had tears and he was injured in his legs.

The situation was so crowded at that moment, there were 6 injured people (4 of them are student) and there was one dead man (he was a teacher in the university) this is the information I heard in the news (of course there were more injured people that are not count (the news couldn’t cover everything) such as my cousin.


My cousin left the place and drove his car to his house before his mother and wife heard the news.

He left the watermelon he bought and his money in the ground as a sign, sign talks and said :

Here is where a man was lying…
Here is where a man left his belonging stuff and took his soul to his child and family. A soul which is maybe a reason of the life of some people.

At the end I could improve the theory: The chamber has but only one roof

Hidden tears

I admit and acknowledge that my dreams are dreams.

And my ambition is an ambition

And my destiny is a destiny

And my faith is my faith.

And my soul is a soul

But what I can’t admit and can’t understand

Why my life is not mine.

I feel like someone being led, like some one being controlled.

like someone stifly his voice and hide his tears...

And keep pretenting he is fine and wish invisibly that he will be

Scattered words

Hope came yesterday and I don’t know why it came.

Did it come to say good bye? Or did it come to say I am satisfy?

I am really can’t guess why!

Scattered words

Hundreds and hundreds miles were separated us from the edge.

Plans, dreams and successful were the fence of our age.

Days came and passed away, we were in the top of the stage.

But sorry to tell you my friend, now my heart is full of rage.

Life is difficult.. life is hard

Another morning and another day, I woke up and said to myself over again for the third time in that week “yesterday I’ll start my examinations”.

Scare, yes I was so scared that they will postpone the exam again and I was feeling uncomfortable and unsettle.

I heard in the news that there is a curfew in Basra and I expect that they will postponed the exam, so I didn’t read Arabic till 4 pm when I was somehow overcome to my last disappointment .

Finally, a new day had come… a very precious and wanted day had come. It’s the day of our first examination.

I was nervous in the morning before I went to my school and I was still can’t believe that I’ll really do the exam. Till the last second before the Exam started, I had confidence that the ministry of education will announced for another surprise.

Anyway, I took the Arabic exam and I did well. The other examinations passed smoothly and I finished my examination on the third of July.

I was so happy that I am in the holiday, the holiday that I was waiting for along long times. But I was sad that I missed my cousin’s engagement.

Anyway, I did one from the harder accomplishment on my life. I finish the high school. I am from now a fresh woman.

After a couple of weeks I went to Syria to see my uncle and aunt. My uncle left Iraq since 2004 and we didn’t see him since then. So it was so nice to see him and see my new cousin.

We spent good and happy times in Syria and after 15 days of having a peaceful and quite life we turn back to our Home (Iraq). So sad and so glad to return back to Iraq.

In our way to Iraq we had a little accident, the driver was making a call while he was driving the car, A child was standing in the middle of the road and the driver didn’t see him. My uncle was sitting beside the driver and he was half sleep but he saw the child.

“ look ahead” that’s what I heard before the car went right and left and then right and left and then we knock something and they the car continued running UN straightly. After a minutes which really seems like a hours, the car stopped and we were all shock, looking to each others with our full open eyes. Thanks Allah the child was still a live, so we took him with us in the car to the nearest hospital and then we had to change the car because the driver staid with the boy in the hospital. The car that transported us to Iraq was so old. It had no cooler. So we were dying for 10 hours. The accident was a welcome message from our country.

After a week we reached our house “ joking”

After a week I received my mark. It was a good mark but not the marks I was expecting nor the mark I deserved but it still good.

I get the average 94.4 but I have an extra special addition for taking French language make my average 97.6.

This Mark enable me to go to any college I want.

What college I planning to go? That’s what you’ll know in the next post

Life is difficult

Hi all,

In the 11 of June we have only one day separated us from the first day of examination.

I woke up in the morning and the smile was drawn on my face because finally I was going to have an exam after all that studying and studying. I took my breakfast with my father and I remember very well that he told me “the exams will never end if you won’t start them”

At about 12 AM, there was only 15 hours left to start.

My mobile rang and there was one new message. It was from my cousin and he said that the exam of tomorrow has been postponed.

I didn’t believe that, I thought that he was joking and he was playing with me.

How could they postpone the exams!!

It’s not a game. All Iraqi students in their last year of Hieght School are going to take the Islam Exam the day after that day.

To believe or not to believe is not our options because it did happen and the exam was really postpone till the first of July. News came that the questions were leaked and they have to change them.

So it was really a game.

I rushed upstairs and take a bath and tried to feel better after hearing that news. Anyway, after two hours I began to study Arabic because I have an Arabic exam two days after.

In the day before the exam the smile turn back in my face. And I finished my study before dinner. And when I sat down at the table I told my family that I am a little scared and I only ate two bites before my mother’s mobile rang and she go and talk to someone and then came back to the kitchen with a rather long face and when I saw her My heart began to throb hardly and then she said “ HNK” and I said No..No...Not again and she said “Yes” and I crash into tears and I cries so hardly that all the family around the table looked at me feeling so sorry for the bad looking I was because my exam was postponed again. My sister was really feeling worried about me and she didn’t stop asking my father to do something for me. After that my father gave me valume and I go to bed after along times of crying and when I woke up in the morning I looked at myself in the mirror and my eyes was swallowed and looked red.

This postponed was because there was a curfew in Baghdad in the day of our real exam.

Any way… that’s too did passed

to be continue

East or west.. my grand father is the best

It was a time when men were real men and women were real women and their

innocent little children were the hope of changing to better future.

It was a time where Iraqi people were like a big family… where friends were brother and brother were real friend.

It was times where life was simple and people were reflex their simple life.

In the 1921, my grandpa was born in Mosul. Iraq. Feb. 5^th. He was the young child between his brothers and his sisters.

My grandpa grew up In the middle of a big Family. Unfortunately he lost his mother when he was a little child. And that affected on him widely that until his last days he was always mention his mom and miss her impressively.

His brothers didn’t finish their secondary school. But in spite of that we can’t say anything but they were really educated. And that book was always in their hands.

At that time, the numbers of people who finish the high school were very small. So two brothers went to learn and practice their family Vocation that Vocation which was inherited by generations.

All the people admire their kind of work and the sayings about my family reputation are passed through generation.

Unlike his brothers, he continues his study in the secondary school and he was so elegant that he was graduated from the high school and won the second class on Iraq.

In 1943, he finished his studying the civil engineering in the American university of Beirut.

In 1959, he finished his post graduate diploma in Hydraulic Engineering in Holland.

Then in 1962 he finished his PhD in irrigation and drainage engineering. In Utah state university, USA.

Then he return back to Baghdad and occupied many important positions even he was appointed vice president in charge of establishing a university in Mosul, in addition to being dean to the college within the new university, beside many similar positions in Baghdad later.

He was also a member of many scientific academies all over the world. He composed 6 books at his life.

He was retired and nominated Professor emeritus of irrigation, university of Baghdad in 1986.

I am so much proud to be a grand daughter of such a person and I dream of the day when I will go back to sleep and say to myself” If my grand father was here, he will be proud”.

As a grand daughter, I had grown up away from my grand father. He was living in Baghdad and I am living in Mosul.

When I was a little child my grandpa was that man with glasses who was all the time reading books, and he was also the man who have a computer. The first computer and the only one I saw till the age of 6 was my grandfather’s computer.

When I became a teenager I began to see the fact of my grandfather. When people said you are clever, one comment “like her grandpa” and when I go to the university with my mom, old men came and said “I was your grandpa student”.

Previously when we use to go to Baghdad to spend the holiday there, my grandfather was an inspiration to me. At that time we all have a computer but we don’t have like his amazing room. That room which was cover with books, hundreds and hundreds of them.

That room makes you feel like you are in a small library. I remember when I was a little kid, how much I loved to be in that room, and I was always looking for a chance to sneak myself there.

An order to call my grandfather for lunch was an order that I do with pleasure. Now, I imagine myself in a cartoon movie, having a red hair and dress cartoon clothes and sneaking my self in my grandfather’s room and stop in the middle and examining all the books around and being catch by my grand father. It’s funny but it’s never happened. And I don’t have a red hair anyway.

What I notice in that room is the smell, the same smell of my grandpa… nice and weird smell. It’s the smell of knowledge.

Nice days… nice memories and painful one. Now, that room and the big house are empty of people. It’s hurting that we can’t reach that house because it’s in Baghdad.

When I buy a book, I think of one thing “did my grandfather have that book”. Many precious books that I want to read are staying there in that room away from hands. My aunt and uncles left to Dubai and my grandpa and my grandma left everything behind them and came to our house in Mosul.

Here in Mosul is where my grandfather died. But after all I am happy that he turn back to his place of birth and died where he want to die and buried where he wish, between his brother and father.

All I want to say is “I love you my grandpa”...

ذهب مع الريح: Part one

I know you missed me and you were worried about me, well you should :)
I also know that I didn't write anything from along long months. Therefore I have many things to talk about and I don't know from where I should start.

In the first of April we stopped going to school in order to study for the Exams we were going to take in the 12of June. The first month of studying was excellent I was studying hard and I was doing my best.

As you know, my grand father and my grand mother came from Baghdad after my uncle and aunt left Baghdad in order to find what you called it a life. the situation became UN believable in Baghdad and it was somehow UN possible for human being to live there .

In May my grand father's health began to get worse day after day.

Some day I woke up in the morning, Mom sat to break fast and she was too close to cry. I knew that my grandfather was not OK that Morning. I entered his room and said Hello, and he opens his mouth but he couldn't reply. But I knew that he heard me .

I don't know what I was thinking that time but I went to my room to study, I was trying to persuade myself that he is OK and it was just like the days before. I really knew he is not OK and his day is today . I mean:

كلُ نجمٍ الى الافولِ ولكن.. ... آفةُ النجمِ أن يخاف الافولا

Anyway: I lost my grand father that day while I was studying up stair... Well he was more than my grand father, he was my hero and he will always be

My vacation

Me:
I was talking with my mother in our Kitchen while she was washing the dishes.

him:
he is my dad, he was sitting in the living room watching the news

them:
they were a passing by... they were 3 women and a kid walking in the street.

And BOOOOM
that's what we heard, my mom jumped from her place and I was too busy watching my mom.
my dad as usual did what he always does when we heard an explosion.

He went out of the house. At that time there was a shooting so I go after him and pleased him to come inside and when he came back he was followed by 3 women and a child. they were walking in the street and the explosion made them crazy so they ran into our house. They sat for a little while and then left after the shooting stopped.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the situation is always getting worse. one day ago, we heard about 2 big explosions each hour.
We didn't even fix the kitchen's window that broke last month. because every day we heard an explosion which is big enough to break the window over again.

Before a couple of days my aunt came from Baghdad to see my uncle after his operation.
After one day from her arrival, a big explosion took place near from the house she was visiting. All the window of the house had broken and some of the doors too. my aunt injured in her front head but it is a small one so don't worry about that.

Before two days I went with my friend to visit Mosul university, Our journey was beautiful. We visited My sister's college and pharmacy college and some others.
The whole university looked so nice especially my sister's college, but pharmacy college looked awful, It was like a jail.
After that journey, Part of me felt happy because after no long time I will be there but in the other hand, part of me felt sad because I didn't feel that I belong to pharmacy college (which was my dream). Maybe because its bad looking or maybe my uncle advice me to re-think about it. I really don't know but I thing that I began to like architect college.
who's know??

Hey I remembered that I took some pictures inside biology collegea and they are that picture above.

Your friend

HNK: iraqigirl.blogspot.com

turn back to basic

Hello all,

I really feel sorry that I didn't write from along long time, well, the first reason was I was taking my mid year exams and now I finished them. So I am in the holiday now, two weeks of holiday.

In this year the last year of secondary school we are taking 8 basic courses and we can divided them into :
Physics, chemist, biology, mathematics, Islamic, Arabic, English, French.

well, In this year our marks during the year are not important and they don't play part in the college we have to go. For now, I just need to have more than 50% in all the exams and then I will take the exams that are the most important exams in my life and in this exams my grade will decided whither I have to go to pharmacy or engineering or any other college.

I will take that exams in June and till that time the only thing I can do for me is to study and the only thing you can do for me is to pray.

my father now is in Syria, my uncle need to make an operation in hurry time after he had a heart attack.
he did the operation before three days and now he is fine thanks God. We are expect my father to come today.

the last few weeks was hard for me. But it was harder for some people who are close to me. such as My friend who moved to Syria with her parents and leave Iraq to move after that to Canada. Before a couple of weeks I heard that her father died in Syria. that was horrible. I didn't stop thinking of her. I was so worried for her and feel so sorry. I called her and her voice was horrible. So please join my prayer for her.

The other horrible news I heard was that my friend's niece who is few months younger than Aya died when she was a sleep without any reason, she wasn't sick or something.
That news make me crazy and seeing my friend make me feel horrible. whenever she talked to me I began to cry and she began to cry. I don't know what to say to her. I know how much she loved her niece and how much it's hard to her to lose her. she said some words that make me shiver. she said that when she remembers her niece she feel like if there is someone taking her heart away and then turning it to it's place. you know that was exactly what I feel when I think of Baghdad and remember how much beautiful it was and how much we were happy in Saddam's time.
If losing a niece hurt her as much as losing a country then we have to do something for this girl. because I know what happened to her is bigger than she could bear. bigger than her to believe.

قل لمن لست أسمي.............بابي انتِ وأُمي

بأبي انتِ لقد أُحبُ .........بحتُ من أكبر همي

ولقد قلتُ لاهلي ...........أذا اذاب الحبُ لحمي

وأرادوا لي طبيباً ...........فاكتفوا مني بعلمي

من يكُ يجهلُ ما ألقى......... فأن الحب سقمي

أن روحي لدى بغداد .......وفي الكوفة جسمي

لابي العتاهيه

The end of the end

Am I here like someone special..........?
or I am special because I am here......?

because from now and forever
I want nothing but only but to be here

I want to be that someone who was born here..raised here, and more over dies here

Am I here living in Iraq or I am just imagining myself there?

I have mouth, eyes, and moreover I have ears
I can hear their whispers...I can see the results of their crimes fill the streets with fear.

the eyes filled with tears..the hearts filled with fear...the mouths filled with words I wonder if you will hear

hear their words..their stories...hear their tales of this year.
I wonder if you will hear. I wonder, will you burst into tears,I wonder if you will really dare to hear?


Many things happened that deserve to write about.
But Many hours passed I thought that I could not write in this blog anymore. I can't say Happy Eid for all, I can't say happy christmas and happy new year.
Because I feel that I am writing only a words that can't do anything for the people who read it.

My words didn't left steps in your hearts and it will never do. because my words is mine. it only mean to me because it's come from the deepest point from my heart.

You know what?
I think I was wrong.. ... My opinions changed from the first year I wrote in this blog. I thought in that time that everything is going to be good and acceptable for all of us but I was wrong my friend, I was so wrong. I was wrong when I said that Saddam don't mean to me anything. I was wrong when I said that I think he is a bad guy ( he might be, but he might be not).

Now I feel guilty because now I believe that he is a MAN ( a brave man) if you just saw the video that someone took in his execution, you will see no fear from death. You will see a look in his face, a look of someone who is ready to challenge, who believe that he was right . Who believed he was doing the right thing after all.
He was smiling . I don't think that I will smile if I was in his shoes.
I will probably burst into tears and say Mameeee :(

Anyway, from now, I won't say anything bad about Saddam because I don't know whether he was right or wrong . But I know that the people who came after Saddam is Evil and worse than devil and Saddam was better than them......

And I have to say something, What were they thinking when they executed Saddam in the first day of Eid ? Eid is our chance to be happy, to gather with our family and try to forget everything bad. And they turned our happy feeling to sadness. This is the most stupid thing they have ever had, did this people lost their mind? I am sure of that . That was a huge Mistake ( a very huge mistake).

Thank you all for reading... And happy new year

your lost friend HNK

from where Iraq was there

Un normal

Time....It's only time that is moving forward, it's the only thing that is making it's Job. It's the only thing that we both share. We both live in the same time.

I... I am still taking more steps searching for unknown. and hopping that I will find it. But the problem is,will I know that this is the thing that I was looking for.

well, I don't know from where to start, In fact I don't want to start talking about what happened. Because the things that's happened is big. it's too bigger than me to talk about.... It's bigger than you to understand... It's bigger than we can all imagine.

I am with no power starting my day as usual, Waking up early to study and then taking my breakfast.... Till now it's look like I have a normal life.
But hey... Did you forget that you are reading Hnk's blog ( Iraqi girl blog)?

Here and in this blog nothing is normal. Here people are wearing a thick clothes under thick clothes till they become like a ball. Here people are drinking a dirty water,and take a bath once every week because the water is somehow closer to black colour than white. and if you are going to take a bath, you might possibly became dirty more than you are already.

let's go back to my UN normal life. One day not far along, but about week ago:
I was taking my breakfast, I finished it. I wore my clothes and my shoes and took a look throw the Windows to see if the car that carried me to school is waiting for me.... Yes, yes there was a car, No not a car but an American Tank. The road was closed and everything was calm. Anyway, after a while everybody was a weak even my grandmother and they were taking there breakfast and I was walking between them worry about my exam that I have that day. I sat on the chair and after that I don't know exactly what happened but there was an explosion took part near from us. The type of explosion that YOU will always remember.
Pieces of windows fall on the floor, on the table and join us our breakfast. I don't remember what happened because it's look like it's take only a minute and we all ran out the room and stole looks to the room where we were sitting.
it was a big explosion. and plenty of our windows have broken but we are Lucky that our head are not. :)
I didn't took a pictures that moment because I didn't remember to do that. But I took some picture after I came back from school, and afte my mother clean up everything but this room that I took it a pictures.

I really have to go now..
bye

GOOD BYE

HI all,
With tears and emotions we have to say Good bye for the people we love,even we don't want to leave each others...We have to say good bye... Good bye with no reply but only good bye.

GOOD BYE TO YOU MY BEST FRIEND
"H", My christian friend and one of my best friends..
I don't know what to say except I think I was lucky to have such a beautiful friend like you...I truly love you from the deep of my heart and I didn't know that I loved you that much.I thought that my friend are the same, And I didn't think that I love one from them more than the other.
But Today I found out that I was wrong. "H" was special. I can't remember that she hurt me someday or said something bother me. She was quite and silent.

to better or worse this life will lead us I don't know, But I swear by the name of God I will never forget you my sister...

It's the life who judged to us to suffer and separated. Who was thinking that you will leave.. Leave me , leave Iraq and leave your past life and everything.


I don't know what to say. but I know that today I see my friend for the last time and only God know if I will see her another time or not. She and her family are leaving to Syria for the moment and then they are going to move to Canada. They received a threat and they have to leave Iraq. I know it's better for them to leave but ..... It's my friend.

Today we have a party in the garden of the school and it was full of tears. We ( me and my friend) were waiting "H" to come and when she showed up we ALL burst into tears. with nothing but tears and hugs we said hi and said bye to her. She gave each one from us ( her friend) one of her toys and it was nice from her to gave us something from her personal stuff, I am sure that I will always remember that this toy belong to her. As my teacher said, our country lose "H"... I hope it was that simple since we all began to lose, lose everything even our country.
All the people are leaving Iraq, My uncle and my aunts leave to Dubai.
My other aunt move from Baghdad to Mosul and by the end of this year I think we will have my grandparents in our house, Do you know I didn't see my grand parents for more than a year.

I don't know what to say except I think we are hardly live here and we are hardly keep going in this life, I wish some times that my eyes are a digital camera so you can see what I see, or that you have a magic ball that help you to see me and see everything around me, maybe that time you can feel my pain.....


I hope I can write a new post soon.
I have a bad temper all the days that I can't write so forgive me...

منَ العودة ألى الاعودة

مُنذُ اليوم سأُُعلِنُ بدءَ حَملَتي في قيادةِ نفسي نحو الهاوية.

لأَََنََني ومُنذُ اليوم لا اَشعُر أِلا بكوني اتلاشى واضمحل من وجودي في هذا الكون. أشعرُ وكأنَ اِخضرار الشَجَر بدءَ بالخفوتْ و اِيراق الورد بدءَ بالتراجع.

كلا, فليس من المعقول اَن يكونَ الشتاءُ هو السبب.

فنحن لسنا من نُعلِنُ سُباتنا في فصلِ الشتاء لأننا بني البشر ولأننا سبَقَ وانْ اَعلَنا سُباتنا في جميع الفصول وعلى طول السنة. ولأننا ومنذ يومَ ولادتنا قالوا لنا أننا لَسنَا سوى بَشر واََننا لا نقدُر على ما لا يقدُرُعليه جنسُ البشر.

لم نعلم ابداً أننا قادةُ انُفُُِسنا ولم نَتَعلَم كيفَ نقودُ أنفُسِنا نتيجةًً لذلك. وحينما واجهنا حقيقةََ أننا صُناع وأننا قواد أعلَنا بِدءَ حَملَتنا في قيادَةِ أنفُُسِنا ولكن مهلاً يا صديقي فأين مَقودي؟ فأنا لم اعلم بعدُ من أنا؟ ومن أكون؟ وماذا أريد؟ هل سأقودُ نفسي نحو المجهول؟ أم أن طريقي ضائعٌ بين هذهِ السطور؟

ذاتي!! لم تَعُد ذاتي هي نفسَها التي ألِفتُها حين بدأتُ خَطوَتي وأشبَعتُ شهوتي للوصول الى المزهريةِ سائرا على قدمي من دون يدً تُسنِدُني أو ذراعٍ تحمُلُني... لم تَعُد ذاتِي هي نَفسَها التي أعتادت على أن تعُيدَ النظرَ الى كيفيةَِ حل مسالةٍ حتى تفهمَ خُطواتِ حلِها دون اللجوء الى شرح تلك المسألة من لُدن مدرسَةٍ او من لدنِ كتاب لأنها أعتادت أن تشُق طريقها باصعبِ الطرق وانفَعِ الطرُق وأقَها حضوراً في ساحتِنا الخضراء.

وتحتَ وطأةِ هذا الصراع.تنازَلَت عن حقوقِها وألتزمتِ حركة السكون فأستقالت. لأنها خافت من مسكنها الذي أصبحَ فجأةً ميداناً رَحِبأً يَسمَع رأيَ هذا وذاك ويسمعُ كلامَ هذا وهذ.لأنها فجأةً أصبحت لا تعلَمُ من هي لأانها تغيرتْ لأنها أصبحت من أرادوها أن تكون. أصبحت ذاتاً ضعيفةً و ذاتاً مغايرة و فوق كُلِ هذا ذاتاً نقيضة. ولأن لِكُلِ تجرُبَةٍ بُرهان فها أنا اليوم أقولُ لكُم أننا وأن كُنا من البشر ولكننا صُناع. لسنا صًُناع الثقة, لسنا صُناع الامل ولكننا صُناعُ الالم

.نعم قد أعلَنت أستقالتَها وأعلَنَت أنها لن تكون بَعد اليومِ هي نفسَها ولم تعودَ الى حُجرتِها الفارغة المظلمة التي أتعبتها المحاولة في صُنعِ قالبٍ تَضعُ فيهِ نفسَها.وقفت اليوم أمام المرحلةِ التي كانت بأنتظارها مُنذُ أن بدأتِ الكلام ومُنذُ أن أمتلكَتْ قُُدرةََ التَفكير وصياغةِ الجُمَل وتركيب الحُروف ووضعِ النقاط ِ . وقفتْ أمامَ المنعطف حيث هناكَ أشارةً تَدُلها على ما ستأؤولُ أليهِ حالُها في السنواتِ المقبلة لأنها وبِكُلِ بساطه لم يَعُد يَهُمُها أن تجِدَ ضالتَها وأن تُحددَ هويَتَها لأنَ من صَنَعوها خيلوا لها أخيلة ووضعوا لها أحلاماً في أواني فارغة ولم يفهموا أو يتفهموا افكارها وهكذا ضاعَتْ وأعلَنت أستقالتَها.

فوداعا ايتها الذات الهائِمه فلم اكن اعلم انك حالمه.....ولم اكن اعلم ابدا انَكِ انتِ مَن أنا وانني أِن وافقت كلامَهُم المَبني على أُُسُسٍ هائِمَة أَصبَحتِ انتِ ذاتَكِ هائِمة

Home, School and between...

salam alykum,I have no excuse for not writing but I was really busy and I didn't have time to write.Since the school started, I passed 5 hours every day on studying and I hardly found time to have a chat with my family. Well, when I come back from school I open my mouth and don't close it, I mean I talk so much but I don't listen. After coming back from school And talk about what's going on with me, I usually go to my bed and I only need to put my head on my Pillow and fall asleep. and after having a nap for more than an hour, I wake up and study for 2 hours and another 3 or 4 hours after the break fast. The only space time I have through the day is when I watch TV and when I read a few paper from Harry Porter's story before go to sleep. Well, The school this year is not like every year. They said we will go to the college next year!!Me In collage = NO WAYI entered the primary school yesterday and they want to put me in a college!. well, I was so surprise this year when I knew that 2 girls from my class get married and another 2 girls get engage. And here I have to stop and shout: hey, Am I the only one who still have a pink room with bears on her bed and Barby toys in her drawer? In fact I didn't play Barby from ages but if you want the truth I lost the key which open this drawer :) And I am not sure if I find it I won't play in them :) I am not a little girl anymore, I am not a women but I am betweenToday, I have a good time with Aya who is now speaking and controlling us. We spent 15 minutes today: me,Najma and my mam siting in circle with Aya and just did what she asked us to do. she will sleep in our house today, Her Mam called us and ask us not to bring Aya back because there was a shooting and as she describe it "A Small battle " near from her house. Her house in really near from ours but I don't know why we didn't hear anything. Anyway, a minutes later my cosine called and said there is a small battle near from their house and ask us if there is any near from us ?And we were really living in peace till we found ourselves out of the siting room with the light turned off and Aya shouting " It's danger, Grandpa come inside it's danger" So we moved to another room and turned on the TV And played with Aya who began to cry after she heard her mother's voice on the phone :(When Aya born I thought that I will finally find someone to order him(her) and told him(her) what to do and what not to do. But I was wrong. Aya shouted at me twice today and said " Stop bothering us" The only thing I was doing is talking, is that a crime??? It's not fair, I am older than her and I am her aunt and I raised her and change her paper and the only thing I have is " Stop talking, you er bothering us" . The only times I have control in Aya are: when I go up stair for studying and she follows me , and when she want my shoes to build a building * strange girl, ha??* and when she want a candy.But what can I do, I love this little girl more than anything in this life. And I really forget that I have a nephew who is now 6 months old. I don't know why I always forget him but :maybe because he is a boy and Aya is a girl, And the girls usually nicer and cuter than boysor maybe because Aya is the first baby called me "aunt hnk"or maybe because he is still young.. But I really love him and enjoy my time with him.I want to hug him tightly just to see him like a mouse between my arms, He is really cuty boy.
Uhh,I'll try to write a new post next week Inshalah
H.N.K

Ramadan kareem

Alsalam alykum,
Ramadan kareem and Inshalah seam makbool.
First of all, I turned back to my school and began the fight with studying. well, I am scared from this year. I have to get hight marks to enter the suitable college for me. I need to do more efforts and more study and that is ***.
well, This picture shows our breakfast in the first day of ramadan.
I love Ramadan, I think the best days I lived are the days I lived in Ramadan. especially before the war. Ramadan was un believable for me. Ramadan made me feel happy more than anything I don't know why and I can't understand why.
when I don't eat anything for 14 hours I have to feel hungry and ungry too. But when I feel hungry,I smile and feel really happy.
Ramadan gave us joy certinly.
Anyway, I have to go now... see ya
H.N.K

New day has come

Salaam all,
There is no argument that I had fun in Syria and this journey helped me really to re-draw a smile in my face,But it also make me feel that the 17 years I lived all go in vain.
honestly, When I raech syria's area I told Najma " It's OK, It's only seventeen years!"
Yes, we can say this: it's only seventeen years. But hey!! it's take all my life :(
there were so many questions dancing and moving in circle and making a noisy in my mind.
what I was doing in this 17 years ? yeah yeaee, how could I forget this, I was studying history which I realised that it contains so many lies and Little truths. well, I don't say I didn't do anything but the things I did are not helpful.
Anyway, I woke up from my last life and maybe I am going to somewhere.
So, I came from Syria carrying hopes and dreams of futures.
but When we became finally in home. There was a car preparing itself to suicide and it did exploded near from our house. we didn't lose any of our Windows but some neighbors did.
well, After another bombs car and after the daily Small explosion and bullets, I still carrying some hopes that I will find the hope someday.
Another day started when I heard that one of our relatives had been killed so I triedto forget this as usual and I think I succeed in this because I didn't talk about that since the son rays falls. I really had a very bad nightmare last few days but today I didn't see anything when I was asleep. Nothing is better than nightmare certainly.
There is a hot news, Our telephone repaired this morning. It was not working since the nine of January ( so long) I even forget how to use the telephone :) but after while I called my grandma and when she answered me I changed my tone voice automatically to a child voice. I hardly prevent my tears. I really really missed my grandparent and I can't wait to see them again.

My school will start tomorrow and here we go to our last year in the high school.
collage, I can't wait to see you...
keep in touch
H.N.K

Syria pictures