Just talking

Hello every body,
I was too busy last few days as usual. This time I was busy with our visitors.
My aunt came from Baghdad and she is staying at our house with her daughter. My aunt is usually playing on the computer so I couldn't find timeto sit on the computer myself and write a new post.
Note: I didn't joke or made a mistake when I said that my aunt is usually playing on the computer, Because she is playing all the time.
Anyway, I was playing before a few minutes too, but I was playing with Aya and we were building. we will be a good engineers. Don't you think?




before two days there was a curfew for two days. The situation was somehow calm near from our house but there was a few boomcars in Mosul. we were stuck at our house, we couldn't go anywhere but we walk to my sister's house and brought her and her children to our house.
The street was empty, everything looks freez .

before few days me and my mother help each others and cook this kind of food wich is a local food in Iraq. we call it " Kuba" . It's so hard to cook it. Each piece must be in the same size of the others and this is the hardest thing.

Anyway, I have to go now

seeya

When the victims are your ........

When the victim is your uncle:
They built our future..
They gave us life..........
our hopes died when they died....
They are the victims of this war..

Before a couple of days, I was sitting with my family watching TV. At about 11:30, I went to bed. And noticed that I have UN read message in my mobile phone. It was from my friend Maas. I thought it was a normal message; it might be a joke or something like that. I read the message and it said: my family is in a horrible state, my uncle was killed this morning when he was in his way home from the mosque (in Baghdad). The feeling I felt that moment I can't describe, I rush down stare and told my parents and then I went to my bedroom and cry for a long times. I feel very sorry for Maas, she was too busy this month, she went to Baghdad and do an extra examination.

When the victim is your family:
The danger surrounding us all the time but this time was not the same.
hearing a sound of bomb is something we use to, so we don't disturb ourselves and stop doing whatever we are just because a sound of bomb. This time and after a while my father's phone rang. My uncle was on the phone and he told my father that two mortars fell on the roof of his house. He was sleeping on his bed when the explosion took place, at that time a little peaces of the roof fell on his bed and on the floor. His wife said that she didn't aware that the mortar fell on their own house at that moment. She went to the room where she found my uncle sitting on his bed and holding few peaces of stone.

And when the victim is your family:
A new day has come when a bombing car exploded in front of my relatives' house. All the windows and all the doors broken. The explosion was too close from their house and it was too big. Three of my relatives injured and moved to the hospital. They are ok now. But many people lost their life because of that bombing car.

At the beginning of the war, when we heared an explosion, we hold the phone and called all the family and make sure that they are all fine. But now and because the explosion don't stop all the day, we stop calling each others. But when the explosion hurt someone from the family, in this the victims.

When the victim is you:
Our souls live in our hearts..
Our hearts are inside our bodies..
Our bodies living in our homes....
Our homes are our country.........
Our country had been destroyed..
we are the victims of this war...........

I consider all the people living in Iraq victims. And I am a victim because I am living in Iraq. I am a victim because no day passes without hurting me in someway or another. I am a victim because every day makes me weaker. I am a victim because I will be the victim sooner or later.
The people who killed and died, they left Iraq and their suffering.
But we! We are still suffering and we are waiting our turn to die and left Iraq.

When the victim is your niece:
Iraqi children are the victims of the war. Aya is a victim of the war. What will you call a baby of one and a half year's old living under this state??
Could you find a baby at that age know what is generator mean? When the electricity turn off, she began to cry and shouted for generator (generator please turn on... generator please turn on) isn't she a real victim of this war???

No wonder that one of her first words was (the weather is hot).

How funnyis for me to see her suffering. When the electricity turned off and the generator turned off. Aya stand in front of the fan and said the weather is hot, doing all the expression on her face to express her needs. Her needs was not eassy to get but so easy to lose.


Note:this post was written before a week.

Fighting to keep alive

I know it have been so long since I wrote my last post, I know you were worried about me, and I also know that you are sorry about what is going on in Iraq.I know all that just because I heard it over and over again till I wear your shoes and forgot that I am the one who is living this life, till I felt that I am sorry for me, my poor wounded soul.
I wish the reason of not writing a new post that I was busy with my lessons, or I was busy with Aya and Ayman. But it's not. Right now I concider myself half human.
All days are the same, it just like the other days.. repeating itself, Woke up early, took my breakfast and study and study and study till my course's time came,after that I'll go to have it and then get back and study AGAIN.
the Same program is running in my life and I accept it if that doesn't mean the killing, bombing and stealing will go on too.
I spent a very bad and hard days since I wrote my last post.The situations is deteriorating rapidly, I don't know from where I should start, many things happened I can't number them. but here are some examples:

My dad went to his work with my sister, Aya was with them in the car, and my dad was driving when they heard the sound of few bullets towards the soldiers' tank.
the tanks was infront of my father's car in the other direction of the road. My father's car was not the only car there. Anyway after the shooting stop. The soldiers got crazy as they always did. They ordered the people who sit inside the cars to get out and put their hand on their head as the soldiers' order. The soldiers throw out everything from my father's pocket. My father asked the soldiers to send Aya and her mother to the car because it was too hot. They didn't even try to listen to him,they shouted loudly and didn't accept to hear a word. In the moment the Iraqi police told my sister that she can go to the car and she have to keep the doors open.
My sister sat on the car with my little niece Aya who was shouting for getting my father back, crying probobly because she was thirsty. My sister fear to move her hand and open her bag and get the water from it, you don't guess the soldiers reaction about that. She stayed in her place thinking of my father, what is he thinking on that moment, what is he feeling, is he thirsty, she was worried about his state because my father had a hard attack and it's not good for normal people to be in that situation so what about a 60-year-old man. She was cursing them silently. What a humiliation to a respectful man .
The situation continued for an hour and a half but for some people like my sister it seems like a year. When he returned back to the home, Dad said nothing at all, my sister said "you didn't know what happened to us today!" my father said "nothing". She told the story and my father didn't comment, trying not to make us worried, picking the glass and drinking the water as he always do.
It just needs a strong man like my father to forget it, I am not a man and I am not strong. When the danger is around me, my family or around my friend I can't sit watching. It's not war against Sadam or against the terror only; it's a war against us, it's a psychological war.
To live or not to live this is the question.

Bye bye peace of mind, see you in heaven: maybe
-----------------------------------------------------
Note: I will write the update soon, I just write one from many.

Gifts

This Gift is from one of my best friend, this gift is from "O"


The neckless and the card are from my sister "S"


And this is from my lovely friend "H"



This gift is the best. It's from the best mam in the whole world to the best daughter on this planet :) .
And this gifts are from my dad, he bought them from france..

Never Found it

My birthday was before 7 days and I didn't find time to write about that since then. So...
My birthday was not a good day. Well, maybe it was the worse birthday I have ever got. There wasn't a birthday party or a birthday cake or any sweets that I didn't even brush my teeth before I went to bed.

Am I feeling happy with the ( seventeen years old) following my age?
NOT AT ALL.

It's a miserable feeling. I always want the time to go on faster and I always want the year to run fast as much it possible. But when I saw that the year is really passed and there is nothing changes in the reality situation, I felt so much angry and so much guilty.
I feel guilty when I smile because the smile became something UN usual in our interim life and because I know that in this moment the life of many families are destroyed. Many kids are losing their parents and many wives became windows.
I feel guilty because I must feel guilty because I must not shut my mouth and watch the horrible movie became alive. I feel guilty because I have already accepted to live and act in this movie. I feel guilty because on my past life I thought that this problem will solve on play part in this movie.
I feel guilty because I am guilty...

before few days Najma asked me why I was look sad, she said " if you will cry, don't answer"
Well, I didn't.
She asked " Do you want to go out of Iraq?"
My really option and my only choice is I want to stay in Iraq. I want to stay in. I want to see it shinning again. I am not sure that I will, but I am sure that I will stay on it and shining ;(

Good bye

I will take pictures and post it tomorrow...

In order to survive

In order to survive, humans being have to cooperate. And in order to cooperate, they have to communicate their Ideas, feeling and needs.......

The paragraph above is one of the subjects that included in English book for the fifth grade.
So, In order to survive myself I will communicate:
1- my Ideas

I am thinking right know how I will be able to live next month ! They said that the government will cut the electricity from Mosul for 15 days.
Fifteenth days without electricity!! Are they kidding??

2- My feelingI am feeling pessimistic right now, I went to take my physics course and when I was getting back home, I saw about three tank from the large size and in the same times there were about two helicopters flying above my head. I just feel that I am in a camp.
It's not a good feeling when you see that. When a tanks or any kind of US soldiers' cars are in the street, you can't see one car moving beside them, All are driving behind them about 12 M.

3- My thought
As I said before I lost so much weight this month. Today I was wearing my gold ring and suddenly I felt that there is something missing, I looked at my finger and I didn't see it.
I rushed looking for it and I tried to remember every one moment from my movement.
Well, it's work. I found it :)

Do you know what? I am sixteen going to seventeen ... I will be seventeen going to eighteen next week. In the third of June I will be seventeen years old. I will be wiser, taller, thinner and perhaps uglier than the year before.

Now, It's my time for watching TV.

Good bye

hnk

Food !!

Maybe we don't have an electricity, peace ,freedom but we certenly have food.
Maybe we can't drive, walk and doing the simple normal things but we can eat.
Food always make you feel bettter, especially if it's taste good.
here are some food pictures.


My favorite sweet for my friend libby



Aya in NAjma's birthday.


barpique *Did I write it right?*


This picture is Najma Favorite dinner. she used to eat this at least 3 times a week.

This is Klaiga before baking . Iraqi people used to cook this sweet before the Eid

Klaiga ready to be eaten.


The Donuts I cook is one from the best Donuts ever.

Cheese cake I cook is the worse cheese cake ever.

Talking

The clock rang about 7 o'clock in the morning, and I didn't wake up. Rang again at about 7:45 and another one at about 8. Well, I woke up and ate my breakfast and hurried to take my physics examination at home. As I mentioned before, I started studying for the next year.

Hum, Aya came today, she is too active and she prevents us from touch or sit beside Ayman. She said " mal Mamia", she mint that he is her mother's baby.
Till now she thinks that my father is praying, I don't think praying need all this time. anyway
She holds the phone and said "Gagawa, Ta3ali" she mean (Grandpa please come!).
I am too eager to see my father but I am more eager to see the meeting between my father and Aya. I am sure that they are both missing each others very much.

Yesterday I had a terrible night. I closed my eyes and when I was too close from being in my first nightmare, the electricity turn off. Now, I live the nightmare. It was too hut beside that there are many mosquito this summer. What's the problem??

I open the window and look to the sky and between the wires I could see the stars.
Oh... This star is lighting for a moment and stop after while!!
Oh... It's moving!!... Oh it's helicopter, Sorry.
Just imagine my night with the sound of generators and helicopters.
Very beautiful night.

Now, I will go and spend my times with Aya.
bye bye

Crash... *I don't find another name, But that's look nice*

Hi,
I woke up today and told my mother that's I am not feel ok. I didn't eat my breakfast or my lunch because I feel pain in my abdomen, and I couldn't look at the food. It's hard to explain that. BUT
Last Tow months I lost 8 pounds from my wight. I look awful now, just like ghost.And my Mam don't like how I look at all. She often use this word " when you was bretty.....bla bla bla" well, she mean I am ugly right now, there is no other way to explain her words :)
Anyway, I am trying to get my weight back, So I really really ate so much yesterday and I ate everything I see.
So now after you know why I am somehow sick today, You know why I am late.
So see you later
bye bye

PC: hey libby,
Look what the food done!! I am sick :(

trying again...

Hi,
I am trying to write a new post every day in this week. I discovered that the average percent of the daily visits to my bog get lower than before. Well, I don't balm the people who read my bog. Because I don't write regularly last 3 months.
But yesterday I promise myself to not value myself low or my blog. And I'll try to retune the life to my blog and make it breath again.
Now, I have a good opportunity to do something make me feel especial.
Najma's examination will start after 2 weeks. She'll not have enough time to write a post nor visit my blog. So I hope that when she'll finish her examination. My blog will be famous that even Oprah winfry will talk about. :)
Will, I want to do something or to reach some point that Najma didn't reach. I think this is my dream; I want to be her someone. This is disaster and I know it's not good, but I have to do it before I'll lose my confidence in confidence itself. well let's say that she is someone that I look to be like.
She writes in NY Times and washingtonpostt and many others. Well I admit I feel jalousie because I didn't write in a newspaper before.

Well, tell me what I should write. I do nothing every day except studying and sleeping and watching TV. Well, I don't like what I do and I don't like talking about what I do. I don't like what is going on in this planet, I don't like living in this planet where no word of truth was heard.
let's try to do something useful
But not today....
Tomorrow tomorrow ..I'll write a new post tomorrow.
hnk

the besy picture I have ever drawn

Well, the scanner machine is not connecting with the computer. So I took the picture to the picture I drew and here is it.

what ever you try, your sky will not look like that....

Not be a secret anymore

Hmm, let's see what I was going to write?

Now, part of my heart feeling very grateful for my Mom and Dad, my mother took us to buy some clothes and other things today. As I mention before, my father is in France and he contacts with us every day, he is doing well. He said he got some weight and he is enjoying his time and he wish that we are with him. He said that he couldn't buy gifts for us, because the price is too height there. And so my mom is buying some gifts for us from Iraq :) And we will pretend that we have these clothes from France :) Who said the opposite ?

The other part of my heart feeling that he is missing some bodies.
I miss my dad; I want him right now sitting beside me. I miss Ayman too much; I didn't see him from last Saturday. I don't know why I am missing him, He didn't say a word or do an action which make me fall in love , he didn't open his eyes and look at me, he didn't beat me or push me or do the stuff that Aya did with me. But I miss him; I began to forget his looking. :(

Yesterday, my mother and I went to the tiny market in our neighborhood and it was close, so we changed our way and went to the super tiny market and bought the things that we needed. After that when we were going to the house we saw that the tiny market was opened so we entered and my mother told the shoppers who is one of our neighbors that she finishes her shopping and she came to look for some others things. The shoppers asked my mother about my father and my mother told him that he is fine and he said of course he is fine because he is far from the explosions and the bullets bla bla bla....while he was saying his word we heard a loud sound of bullets and I don't know what was happened out side, The shoppers told us to go to the safer place in the market. But that was not working, It was clear that the bullets were in our street. So, He holds the phone and called his mother and asked her to open the door.
?????? :)
Where is the door?? haaa??
Do you know the story of Allis in the wonder land? When she became small in size she opened a door and go to what ever it was. Anyway, the door he asked her mother to open was in that size. I don't know how I could put myself in that door which was leading to their garden. Well, we sat at his house for a while and then went back to our house.

Anyway, I don't care which size the door is. but it is a very good door :) As they said:

Don't judge the book from it's cover. I don't know who said that but I know that I said:

Don't judge the door from it's size
hehe,How much silly I am ??
If you are with the people who said that I am silly, so come to Iraq and live for months and we will see!. Will the silly life here make you silly or not??

hello,
Oh, I am too busy with my sister and her children ( Aya and Ayman) I thought that when I 'll finish my school, I 'll have time to write a long post but it's cleer that I was wrong.
Dad still in France, it seems that he spend a good times there. But I miss him so much and I can't wait to see him again.
so, I just write to tell you that I am ok. thank you very much.
now, I had to go :)
bye

Dear Ayman

Hello, My name is An, I am now 3 days old. I have one sister who looks very kind with me. Especially that I am the only one who is being kissed by her. I gave her every day a gift to make her love me and not be jelouse.
She cried when she saw them took me for a bath. The first day was full of tears for her, whenever I stop crying she began to cry.
She called me Aony ( I like this name) and when she said Aony all the Family forget who is Aony and the only little cute baby they remember is Aya.
I don't blame them, she is more beautiful than I am. She walk and talk and do an action which make the whole family laugh.
Today I saw her eating cucumber after dipping it in the Cola, I wonder if that taste good.
Anyway, I love my family but I didn't see my grandpa till now.. I heared them talking to him in the phone and they said he is in france.... They said in france there are streets and lights and some others things. Anyway, I hope when my grand father will come back from france, he'll love me as much as he love Aya.
I sleep almost all the day. They think I am in a state of denying because they left me and went to play with Aya.
ok , bye now. I have to sleep before the night fall. Because now my jope is not make my mother sleep. That's fun, Try it!
talk to you later

Another flower open in my family tree

Hello all,
my father went to France last week and he will remain there for about one month. I missed him al ready and so is aAya. Aya don't stop asking a bout him and asking about where he is.
When he first leave the house she began to cry and so we told her that he went to the mosque for praying and she saved this information in her mind. And whenever we mention his name she said ( Lalli) and she mend he is praying. I don't know why his pray take this long?? :)
Anyway, It's right that we are only 5 women in the house( My mother, My big sister, Aya, Najma and me) . But today a lovely man joined us. So we will not be scared or something, we have a man in the house.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce you our man:
His name is: Ayman
His age: 21 hours
His look: very little white baby with some blond hair and small miserable eyes. He is cute, calm and skinny.

Till last day I didn't believe that there is a baby will come to this life and joined our small family. I don't blame Aya for not expected that after all our tries to make her ready for that and not to feel jalousie.
For me the first time I saw my nephew I said that it's too tiny. He is really too tiny, his face is much smaller than my palm. But for Aya he is a big boy who might steal her mother's heart. When Aya saw him, she said ( Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby....... ) she said those more than 30 times.
When Aye's father told her that Ayman is crying because he is hungry, she rushed to her room where she left her feeding bottle and took it and ran quickly to him and tried to feed him. We gave Aya new toys and told her that the baby gave it to her and that's somehow help.
The first hours after their meeting were UN believable. Whenever Ayman stop crying, Aya began to cry and so on. You can say we had a crying party in the house. But now, Aya feel much better than before. I hope she will love him.
Ok, I didn't sleep well last night so bye
yours
Aunt HNK

I want to be someone...

Good morning... Good evening ... Good night. It's not important which time I use as much as it's important to be good.

I took my first course in chemistry. The teacher was too nice with us. He didn't stop joking and doing a funny actions.
I laugh and laugh and laugh more than I laughed this whole this year, my tears began to fall and I didn't know what to do.
In physics, my teacher is a woman who looks a good teacher too. I took 2 courses and the subjects look not an easy but nothing is hard if we study it hard.
I am hesitating about take lessons in Arabic language or not. Each girl took a lesson in 4 subjects at less. I think 2 lessons is enough for me, I am hardly find time to take a rest. I don't want to use all my power in the holiday and when the school begins I will be completely tired. In the other hand, if I lived all my life doing well in my school and got good marks, why should I worry about this year? I know it's not like all the years before but.......you know :)

I still don't know what I want to be in the future, In the past I wished I'll be a pharmacist just like my aunt. But now I changed my mind into (I don't know), I like house decoration but there are no college care of studying the decoration.
I don't know I want to be someone famous; I want to enter a good and excellent college somewhere far from Iraq situation. I want to leave Iraq and study and then get back to my country when I'll be ready for that. And at that time I'll do for my country and give and give all what I have just for seeing it as height as it was in the past.

I don't know why my mother always said that Najma is an ambitions personne who have the confidence and dreams bigger than herself.
And me! I am nothing at all.
She didn't say that I am nothing at all, but she remarked into that when she is talking. She said Najma is a very good speaker in English and she is very good in computer and bla bla bla. And when she finished her words, she turned her head and said you are too :( .
Did she really think that I don't feel that? I am not blind, I am the only daughter she have who don't put an eye glasses.
That exactly what I want to prove. I want to prove that I am not the girl she is thinking. I am also having dreams, I am also having plans but I have something that Najma don't have, I have the fear from everything.
I have fears from building hopes above no ground.
I have fears from listing to myself and get myself into trouble.

I hate myself sometimes just like I do now.
BTW, I hate sitting with the people I hate because it's too clear that I hate them.
And now I am sitting with me and I hate myself just now. Not a good condition to talk about...

Better to leave myself now,
bye

The conversation between reality and imagination

Good morning,
today I am going to write my essay which I wrote a week ago. My English teacher asked us to write an essay about what ever we want. And Express our thoughts and dreams in this essay.
Anyway, The title of my subject is:

The conversation between reality and imagination

Alaa Al-din took me in his magic carpet to the sky.
I told him that I was dreaming of living in that height.
He thought deeply and said you was the leader in your life,
I told him that the doors were all locked in my eyes.
He stood silent and then said you didn't try to open the doors you had never tried.
I told him that I tried then I lied and lied and lied.
The expression of sadness was drawn in his eyes. He said you didn't have enough confidence in your life and he was right, I admit he was right.
I told him that I was scared to be like a mouse in the night.
He told me that I can't get what I want without a fight.
I told him that the enemy was large in size and I didn't have the courage to face him and so I cried.
He told me that I was acting like the prince in the guess game and I belonged to the blue side.
I told him that there is no prince in chess and there are only tow sides: the black and white.
HE said you chose to be like a queen when you didn't play part in your life. You chose to play for no side and you were really blind.
I told him that I lied to him at the beginning and that I knocked the door but when it was opened I hide.
His eyes began to glow; he said you didn't take any step in your life. Your soul was not a home.
You chose to live the other's life...
He touched my hand and said:

In the centre of your black eyes, there is a light. If you want to catch it you have to fight.
My dear you have to fight.

The teacher arranged a seminar between the students in my grade.
Each girl represented the essay she wrote in front of the teachers and the others girls. And there were many good essays and my essay was one of them.
At the end of the seminar the teacher awarded the two girls who wrote the best two essays.
And I was one of the winners. the teachergave an album as a gift. I was too surprised because I didn't expect this. But I was too happy too.

I will stop writting now, and leave the others news for another days.
Good bye
hnk

A new day with a new look

Hello every body,
I miss you too,

about my school and my marks, I did very good in both of them. I took 66/60 and 69/70 in French, I don't know how did I do that. But I deserve that. I also took 100, 100, 100, and 92 in biology. I really did my best and thanks God I took the best marks.

We (the students who got more than 90% in all subjects) will not go to school till the next year.

Today, we had a little party in the school, but not a good one. Some girls had examinations and the others were busy with their marks.

Anyway, I had a good time with my friend and I took some pictures with them.

Every one from us cooked something or brings something to eat. Gathering around the table and eat together was nice. Do you know that feeling when feel that you love all the human being? Well, that moments I felt that I love my friend so much.

---------

It's right that I finish my school and my examinations but I still have to study for the 6th grade. Here people began to study for the 6th grade a year before the school begins. Because this year is very important for us. And this year will decide our future.
So, Today I went for my first course in chemist for the 6th grade. The teacher who teach us chemist is a man. In school all our teachers are women. So we are not use to this.
Now, we have to be polite and a good student. It's hard for me, you know!
In school we are all girls, we jump and cry and do what ever we want (we are free).

Now, I want to go and reading a stoey. Guess what is it's name?
It's harry poter story. I can't wait to read it. so bye

I will talk to you later
maybe tomorrow

yours,

hnk

Hello,
Just only a week and I will be free again.
I will finish my examinations next week. and there are many things I want to talk about, there are many things happened which deserve to talk about. But not now. so see you sooon
So Good bye
and pray for me